A sampling of Ms. Day’s students’ work…
Male Student: My fluffy pillow. My yellow-y fluffy pillow. Next to my dog — my hairy dog, my beloved hairy dog. While I diddle myself… [that’s when Jess cut him off]
Female Student: He was a mer-man. He was the last of his kind, and he needed a mother for his mer-children. He was not a mer-gentleman.
“Edgar’s Story,” as read by Nick Miller…
“By day, I’m a plumber. By night, I’m a stalker. I sit in the bushes, wearing a gimp costume, stalking my prey. My prey is a deer. Her eyes are big — too big. Before she can blink those big eyes, I’m stabbing her. I stab and stab.”
Schmidt: Sounds like he likes stabbing.
“I love stabbing.”
Jess: It’s repetitive.
“After all the stabbing, I wash my hands in her dark, red blood.”
Jess: Listen to that detail!
Jess: It’s fiction! There’s no such thing as a gimp costume.
Nick: Oh, gimp costumes are real. Trust me.
Winston [simultaneously]: That’s a real thing.
Schmidt: You’ve seen me in one before!
Winston: I wanted to talk to you about the regrettable contact between Cece’s… her down-there and my, uh, my parts.
Schmidt: You practically shish kebab-ed her. Just let it go, man. You pogo’d her. [chagrin spreads across his face]
Winston: I’m sorry, what did you say? “Pogo”?
Schmidt: I didn’t, umm…
Winston: I heard “pogo.” What is that?
Schmidt: Fine. Look, Winston, fine. It’s what we call what you did this morning. It’s a shorthand.
Winston: Why do have a shorthand, Schmidt? Because it happens so often?
Schmidt: You pogo’d me once. You pogo’d Jess twice. Nick’s never been pogo’d directly. You did get his pizza once — which, by the way, is a whole ‘nother debate. How did you not feel that?
Winston: So, let me get this straight — you guys sit around and talk about this?
Schmidt: Your penis actually changed the channel when we were watching the Bears game once.
Descriptions of Schmidt’s pogo:
- “barnacle toenails”
- “a little rugged… woodsy”
- Winston [facetiously]: “I have never wondered if you could shimmy up a palm tree. … It looks like an open Swiss Army knife!”
- Schmidt: “It’s because I have a keratin surplus. … Most of them are hard, but one of them is really, really soft!”
- “calcified mongrel toes”
- “Gremlin toenails”
- “clickety-clacks… centaur boots”
- “koala claws”
Winston: At least you can hide your pogo in a shoe.
Schmidt: They make shoes for your penis — they’re called pants!
Schmidt: We don’t laugh about your pogo, Nick.
Winston: We’re worried about you.
Nick: You’re worried about me?
Schmidt: We’re worried that you’re not going to make it.
Nick: Make it to what?
Jess: Just in general — ’cause you don’t take care of yourself.
Schmidt: Sometimes I’ll crumple up vitamins, and I’ll put them in your food.
Jess: We all take turns sneaking money into your pants pockets before we put them in the dryer.
Nick: Edgar lives with his mother. Of course he does!
Jess: So? A lot of normal people live with their mothers — my uncle Randy.
Nick: He can’t go near parks!
An excerpt from Nick Miller’s Julius Pepperwood, Zombie Detective…
“The night was inky hot. She strode into his office with a sense of purpose, place, [another word here?]. She had zombie legs that went on for miles. They were the kind of legs you could sink your teeth into. Pepperwood had two friends — one if you count his hat. The other was his Gal Friday, Jessica Night. She was small in stature but not in spunk — and a super-annoying know-it-all.”