Ben and Leslie’s storybook wedding is fast approaching, but you know what comes first, right? The bachelor party! Ben’s not really the Vegas type, so there weren’t any Hangover-esque shenanigans; instead, the boys stayed in for a night of beer and board games (Settlers of Catan, to be precise). At least, that’s how the night started out. Tom insisted they up the ante with a few drinks at Essence — Things Magazine‘s “Next Big Thing” — where they each revealed that none of them had experienced a real bachelor party. Here’s why:
Tom: It was a Green Card wedding. I did watch the three-way sex scene from Wild Things a few times the night before, but…didn’t really count.
Andy: I never had a bachelor party either. Me and April, we got married with no warning. I didn’t even have time to take a shower before my wedding [laughs] – or after. For like a week and a half!
Ron: Tammy I forbade me from any kind of celebration. And Tammy II thwarted me by calling in a bomb threat to the steakhouse.
Garry: I didn’t have one either. Yeah, really, it’s a funny story. So two weeks before I married Gail, I had an emergency appendectomy…
Tom: [Taps Garry’s head] Boop! That’s me hitting the snooze button. Don’t talk again for another ten minutes.
From there, Chris decided that everyone would celebrate their retroactive bachelor parties that night. Tom indulged in the molecular mixology at Essence; Garry ate – and spilled – some local ice cream; Ron hunkered down at St. Elmo Steak House, where Newt Gingrich, Roy Hibbert, and Miles Plumlee happened to stop by; Andy tossed around with Colts players Andrew Luck and Reggie Wayne (his full dream: “I want to see a Colt’s game. I want to see the Colts beat the Patriots 49-nothing, then I yell at Tom Brady, “Make him cry!” Then I hook up with Dave Matthews and we play Golden Tee for 10 hours.”). The bizarre, hilarious climax, though, came when Ben and the gang presented Chris with a Best Man trophy and speculated about his future wife:
Tom: The year is 2018. America is thriving under president Nick Cannon. And tomorrow, Chris Traeger’s gettin’ married.
Ron: Who’s the lucky lady? Maybe she’s an upbeat gal who’s nuts about fitness.
Garry: Maybe she owns a juice bar in Snerling.
Andy: Maybe it’s April. Maybe I die. Skydiving explosion. And then you go and marry April. And it makes me sad. But if she’s gonna be with somebody, I’d like it to be you.
Chris: Strange, but sweet.
Andy: Only, I didn’t really die. I was faking it. And I come back. I spy on you from my red Corvette. And I’m planning to kick your a**, but I see how happy you make her. And I have to walk away. I have to. And I do. Slowly. In a rainstorm.
Ben: Ok, this isn’t really in the spirit of what we’re trying to do…
Andy: But as time goes by it eats away at me. You’re out living it up with my wife. And I’m alone, in a cave. Training.
Ron: Anyone else want to chime in?
Andy: I thought you were my friend…I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND!
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