Jess [about Walt’s misprinted hats]: “CHICA GO BILLS” is actually Spanish for, uh, “Young girl… go Bills.”
Winston: Who’s going to mess with a guy who’s wearing a hat that says, “YOUNG GIRL GO BILLS”? The answer is everybody. They will. They mess with you.
Schmidt: You know, when Nick is not working, the service is abysmal. I mean, how many times did I have to repeat the words “Lemon Drop shot”?
Cece: Yeah, I think he was making fun of you.
Schmidt: For what? Working hard and playing hard? I guess the joke is on me!
Walt: You really seem to care about little Nicky.
Jess: I mean, look at him. He looks like Hilary Swank mixed with a sad, wet dog.
Walt: When Nick-Nick was a kid, he would come to track with me all the time. And if I got in trouble, he would get me out of it by doing the Sugar Ray! [laughs uproariously]
Jess: What’s the Sugar Ray?
Nick: It’s when I’d pretend to be a diabetic kid so the man who was threatening to beat up my father would run off scared.
Walt: See! We did have some good times!
Nick: There are people in life who you want to be unpredictable — your pothead neighbor… or Vice President Joe Biden. And then there are people you don’t want to be unpredictable, like your dentist or, I don’t know, your father!
Winston: Look, Nick, my dad left when I was 3. Every single day, rain or shine, he just never came back. I wish he’d been a little more unpredictable. That’s all I’m saying. [Pause] And yeah, sure, Walt may owe me a couple hundred bucks, but it’s not a big deal.
Nick: My dad owes you money? How much?
Winston: Three, four… 1,100 bucks.
Schmidt: I feel like Cece’s making a big mistake with this Indian guy. She should be with somebody like us.
Robbie: Totally. White guy power! [Sees the look on Schmidt’s face] Oh, okay… ummm… Cool guy power!
Schmidt: Now you’re talkin’, Robbie!
Robbie: What are we going to do?
Schmidt: I don’t know. I mean, 1 billion Indian men is a daunting foe. I suddenly feel empathy for Pakistan. But it’s like they say — How do you eat an elephant, Robbie?
Robbie [grins knowingly]: With chopsticks. [Schmidt is incredulous] Slowly — and with chopsticks.
Schmidt: With chopsticks? No!
Robbie: In a taco?
Robbie: Yeah, elephant tacos.
Schmidt: Elephant tacos? Who eats elephant tacos? That’s not even a saying. One bite at a time, Robbie!
Walt: I found some guys to take the horse off my hands. Horse semen in Dubai is gold!
Jess: No, you can’t sell a father’s love. There’s more to a father’s love than just semen. [Pause] Ewww! Poetic, but ew!
Robbie: Check this out — we get seersucker suits and two more guys, and then we serenade [Cece] with a barbershop quartet?
Schmidt: Well if we got 10 more guys and a plan, we’d form an Ocean’s 12. I would be Brad Pitt. You would be the crafty Asian fellow who does the flippies.
Robbie: Oh, I have a great idea! We could name a star after her. I know this website, and we could pick one that’s next to Robbies I through VIII.
Schmidt: You have eight stars already?
Robbie: There’s like a billion of them. They’re really cheap!
Schmidt: And eight of them are yours?
Robbie: It’s only gonna go up in value.
Schmidt: That’s a horrible investment. [Thinking…] I know she’s into that Gandhi crapola. We could self-immolate!
Robbie: I feel like we’re so close!
Schmidt’s Sari- and Cinema-Themed Sexual Fantasies…
The Best Exotic Mari-bone Hotel
Slum Doggy Style Millionaire
Nick: Jess, if you’re going to mess with my sink, put some goggles on! Your eyes are twice the size of normal eyes — it’s a bigger target.
Schmidt: What do you think about this? We get a three-person canoe, okay? Then we go to her house, we rap on the door, she answers the door, she sees the three-person canoe, she realizes there’s only two of us, and we say, “Ah, what a conundrum! Please join us.”
Robbie: What about this one? We get some night vision goggles… I guess that’s all I’ve got… I don’t know what else.
Schmidt: I would say Trojan Horse, but…
Robbie: In this economy?
Schmidt: We could always go on a hunger strike.
Robbie: We enlist in the Navy. We quickly rise through the ranks, and then we can take her to the Naval Officers’ Ball.
Schmidt: I feel we’re right there!