Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's best Golden Globes jokes -- Read them here!

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Ricky Gervais may be the one that got all the feigned gasps with his celebrity-ribbing monologues the past couple years, but gal pals and partners in prime-time Tina Fey and Amy Poehler had more than a little bite in their Golden Globes opening. Starting off with a guaranteed-to-be-accurate subject—making fun of the assembled celebrities’ inevitable intoxication, saying “You can smell the pills from here”—they then gave a sarcastic nod to their predecessor before moving on down the list of all the famous faces in the crowd just waiting for someone to cut to them. Here are some of the highlights and check back for their jokes throughout the night:

Tina: “Ricky Gervais could not be here tonight because he is no longer technically in show business.”

Amy: “We want to assure you that we have no intention of being edgy or offensive tonight because, as Ricky learned the hard way, when you run afoul of the Hollywood Foreign Press, they make you host this show two more times.”

Amy: “Kathryn Bigelow’s nominated tonight. I haven’t really been following the controversy over Zero Dark Thirty, but when it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron.” This jab got the perfect mix of oh-no-she-didn’t gasps and laughter, as well as a hilariously shocked expression from Jessica Chastain.

Tina “Anne Hathaway, you gave a stunning performance in Les Miserables. I have not seen someone so totally alone and abandoned like that since you were on stage with James Franco at the Oscars.”

Tina and Amy, in tag-team schtick, with Fey setting up the alley oop: “The Hunger Games was one of the biggest films of the year, and also what I call the six weeks it took me to get into this dress,” and Poehler dunking it: “Ang Lee’s been nominated for Best Director for Life of Pi, which is what I’m going to call the six weeks after I take this dress off!”

Tina: “Quentin Tarantino is here, star of all my sexual nightmares.”

Amy: “Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu — and I hear she’s amazing in it.”

The two also popped up in the audience for their well-earned nominations for the heartwarming and heartworming fake movie Dog President. And then when the original dog president, Bill Clinton, appeared to introduce Best Picture nominee Lincoln, Amy followed up in her best Leslie Knope mode with a breathless, “That was Hillary Clinton‘s husband!”

Tina: “You know what Taylor Swift? You stay away from Michael J. Fox‘s son.”

And one last joke, to close out the show. Amy: “We’re going home with Jodie Foster!”

Related:
The 2013 Golden Globes: See the winners here!
Golden Globes: We’re live blogging ‘em!
All of EW’s 2013 Golden Globes coverage

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