The past year proved very grey indeed, so a Grey Goose neat (or maybe a greyhound) is in order to commemorate the return of Gandalf the Grey in The Hobbit, the “Are they drunk?” Oscar campaign of Liam Neeson’s wolf-punch-stravaganza The Grey, and, of course, the rise of mommy porn brought on by 50 Shades of Grey. (For those who had the self-confidence — or lack of shame — to read E L James’ S&M saga in public, check out these blush-inducing 50 Shades libations.)
Given 50 Shades‘ origins, it’s incumbent upon us to say “Ciao Bella” to The Twilight Saga (with an extra shot of Wild Turkey now that Bella’s a “vegetarian” sparklevamp). As for the year’s other big movie stories, we recommend a Hunger Games-friendly parachute (tequila, Kahlua, and Hawaiian Punch in honor of Catching Fire‘s set location), a Dark (& Stormy) Knight Rises, and a Princess Leia in anticipation of Star Wars‘ Disney-fied return. Avengers fans will appreciate the chance get “hammered” with a full complement of super sippers, including the Incredible Hulk, Black Widow, Iron Man, Captain America, and Fury, plus a Thor-sized shot of aquavit dropped into a Strongbow cider for Hawkeye. Note: Financially clobbered Oogieloves and John Carter producers might do well to combine all of the above in a garbage can, Jungle Juice-style, and drink to completion.
If TV’s more your bag, how better to start the day than with a breakfast martini in light of the ratings battle between Good Morning America and the Today show? Mad Men fans can drown their sorrows in a Park Lane (RIP Lane Pryce!), Boy Meets World followers sad that Shawn Hunter is unlikely to appear in 2013’s reboot can console themselves with a Surf Rider Strong, and 30 Rock fans can suck down Lemon drops (with a mozzarella-stick chaser) along with the bittersweet realization that there are only a few episodes left, and we suspect Luck devotees have been downing mint juleps (sans mint or simple syrup) since the series’ sudden cancellation in March. And let’s not forget that 2012 was the year that New Girl‘s True American drinking game was born. We’re still unsure of exactly how to play, but we suspect Homeland‘s wine-chugging, jazz-obsessed Carrie Mathison would be very good at it.
Speaking of all that jazz, 2012 in music was all about the ladies. Sample a soju-based Femme Fatale in honor of Psy’s “Hey sexy lady!” chant in “Gangnam Style.” That drink’s hue will bring to mind Taylor Swift’s blockbuster album Red, though the Wonderstruck singer might enjoy a slurping up a “Starlight” after her megahit album’s 15th track. Rihanna can clink to her first number one album with a White Diamond (though we can’t recommend any bevvies to brawling beaux Chris Brown and Drake). The year’s viral breakout Carly Rae Jepsen can enjoy a Last Kiss (before she drank it, she missed it so, so bad!) along with the stunt reporter who planted a smooch on Will Smith and got a smack (of the hand variety) in return.
Elsewhere, we suggest a straightforward ditch for sending out the best tweet of the year, courtesy of Newark
superheroMayor Cory Booker. Like Sweet Brown, he ain’t got time for that! (Though we have no doubt Sweet Brown would have time for a Brown Velvet, a twist on the black velvet with a bit of Bailey’s Irish cream.) Booker also earned the right to get his drink on after having an impromptu movie party with those struggling in the wake of the Sandy Stormpocalypse (which itself inspired many hurricane parties). Speaking of signs of the apocalypse, prepare a Honey Boo Boo (last year’s Honey Badger paired with Mama June’s sketti) as you consider the choices you’ve made this year. If you make it to tomorrow, cheer yourself up with a Double Rainbow shooter in honor of Frank Ocean, Anderson Cooper, and all the other stars who said, “By the way, we’re gay” this year. YOLO!
And don’t forget to pour one out for these homies: Andy Griffith, Jersey Shore, Adam Yauch, Larry Hagman, Ernest Borgnine, Gossip Girl, Whitney Houston, Robsten, Dick Clark, Made in Jersey, Donna Summer, Robin Gibb, Amy Poehler & Will Arnett, Etta James, Ray Bradbury, TomKat, Work It, Tony Scott, Dave Brubeck, Mike Wallace, Jenni Rivera, Ravi Shankar, Ben Gazzara, Davy Jones, Michael Clarke Duncan, Phyllis Diller, Ron Palillo, Don Cornelius, Lupe Ontiveros, Levon Helm, and Nora Ephron, to name a few.
Now, if you’ve been sampling the punch and are still able to read this, you’ve got a serious problem. Like Lindsay Lohan on Saturday Night Live, everyone needs to be scared straight — maybe more than once considering Lohan’s arrest for hitting a fellow clubgoer a month ago. Jump on the wagon with a Punch in the Face shot. NYC’s Barcelona Bar originated this mix of white wine, Jägermeister, and — only guessing — distilled evil. If that drink doesn’t set you on the path to sobriety, nothing will.