With the cake chosen (red velvet is just too “eye-catching” to pass up) and the favors chosen (a bag of dirt with a poem attached), we’re finally getting to the good stuff: the wedding dress! Mom, Chrystie, and Jape’s mom Eileen are on hand to watch Ashley get her last fitting at Randi Rahm’s fancy-schmancy midtown bridal studio. Cue the violins because here comes the former Bachelorette now, emerging from the fitting room in a hand-beaded fit-and-flare gown (I will admit that I stole that description directly from my pal Cheryl Brody at InStyle.com, who has all the details you could possibly need about Ashley’s dress right here). Lots of tears and oohhs and whoops of surprise at Ashley’s bedazzled pink shoes ensue.
Next, JP goes shopping for his tux, but even Team Bachelor knows there’s nothing more boring than watching a man shop for a black suit, so they spend all of 46 seconds on his fitting. Let’s move things along to Neil Lane, shall we? After all, the man’s busy hawking his collection for Kay Jewelers — he doesn’t have all the time in the world to help the couple select a wedding band that represents what Ashley calls “an eternity of life together.” Well, at least Ashley knows that life with her will, no doubt, sometimes feel like an eternity for JP.
Back at the hotel, various and sundry members of Bachelor Nation — like Nick “Keep” Peterson and Mickey “I’m Outta Here” McClean — are getting their drink on. Jason and Molly are here, too, but the latter is not pounding the champs because she’s got a bun in the oven. (Jason claims that his sinisterly adorable son Ty is “super-pumped” to have a baby brother or sister, but something tells me he’s gonna go all Orphan on that baby.)
So is the ceremony about to begin? Hell, no! We’ve still got to get through the bachelor and bachelorette parties, folks!
Ashley’s hen party is predictably girly: mimosas, manis, pedis, a tiny, bedazzled image of JP staring back at Ashley from her fingernail, frilly lingerie, and pole dancing lessons. (Pssst, sweetie: Your bridesmaids are supposed to get you a male stripper for your bachelorette party.) But she LOVES it. “I want JP to get me a pole now!” chirps Ashley. Speaking of Jape, he’s had his fill of hanging with the guys for an afternoon of testosterone tourism — driving race cars, sipping Scotch — and now all he wants to do is go ice skating with his tiny dentist. Awwww, that’s sweet. Can we just get these two married already?
NEIN! As vith all Bachelor-related events, nutink can happen until ve seek counsel from zee franchise’s ubercouple, Trista and Ryan! Heil hot tub! “I had really high hopes for Ashley and JP,” declares Trista. “And now we’re here!” As for the upcoming season of The Bachelor? Trista will be watching because Sean is “pretty to look at,” while Ryan he’ll be watching “if I want to spend time with my wife on Monday nights.”
NEXT: Sean sees his future?
