Meanwhile, Nick and his stripper girlfriend hadn’t had sex yet. Trying to gloss over his prudishness, he told her he “was born on the wrong side of the tracks” and “had tetanus thrice in [his] life,” but, despite all that bad-assery, he ran from her gingerbread man cookie emblazoned with the words, “Let’s have sex.” At the night’s second party, he decided to go for it, making awkward innuendos in order to make it… in a sleigh. Well, almost. They broke the sleigh pre-copulation, prompting Nick to flee, pants-less, to the nearest swath of fabric and stumble around destroying all the reindeer in his path. Shortly thereafter he basically dismissed her for being a stripper — only to immediately realize the error of his way (“Nick Miller, turning lemonade into lemons since 1981″).
They headed to Winston’s office party, where Nick summoned his DJ persona, Dr. Gavin Daytona, to cheer up-slash-advise Jess. (Most sweetly: “I think you’re the kind of girl a guy would come back for.”) She paid him back, as true roommates do, by calling him a chicken and telling him he’d do well to have someone fearless like Angie (that’s her name! and I can guarantee you I won’t remember it come January). As luck would have it, Angie showed up at the party. So Nick admitted (via radio station PA system, in front of the whole party) that he’d screwed up and was afraid to put himself out there like she did.
Then gave her the hard sell: “I’m very poor — having a checking account would be an honor. I’m a writer — I’ve written a zombie book. It’s terrible. I’m a slow runner. I’m obsessed with karate.” He called her scary and thanked her for deigning to go out with him, then told Winston to turn up the tunes so he could “get sexy” to a sub-Bobby Helms level version of “Deck the Halls.” This involved a lap dance that should be on YouTube any minute now. (Let’s just say I didn’t know asses could shimmy.) Angie was happy to show Nick how a real lap dance went… until Schmidt stepped in. Somewhere between thrusts, undulations and “eye contact,” Nick slid out of the chair and screamed, “You are as dumb as it gets!” Then he punched and slapped Schmidt. Laughing. My. Face. Off.
NEXT: Wrapping things up (pun!)