'Don't Trust the B' and 'Dancing With the Stars' are a match made in bitchy mirrorball heaven

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Image Credit: Kelsey McNeal/ABC

Planet Mirrorballus is still aliiiiiiiive! James Van Der Beek — TV’s James Van Der Beek — faced off against the Real Dean Cain in the hardwood rectagon on tonight’s Don’t Trust the B in Apt. 23. That’s a huge mouthful of extra cheese, but it totally worked, because when does extra cheese not?

James’ Dancing With the Stars arch rival Dean Cain got to dance with real-life pro Karina Smirnoff, while James — who had difficulty contending with his original boozy, strung-out partner on last week’s episode — met his bedazzled match this week in new partner Valentina (Shanti Lowry). Sadly, after a decent dress rehearsal that was VERY Girls Just Want to Have Fun Final Dance-Off (Dawson was Janey Glenn and Superman was Natalie Sands), James stumbled during his cha cha with Valentina. He’d been drugged by June’s mom of all people, via a Chinese tea with “messed up radish people” on the package. 

Much like Michael Bolton panting helplessly in the doghouse during season 11′s disastrous jive, James Van Der Beek flopped around in a prop doorway warning the audience “Stop looking at me” and making intriguing proclamations like “I think my hands are made of poundcake!” (I would not put it past DANCMSTR Len Goodman to pull a magic trick like that in a future season, as a way to weed out the over-eaters and the uncommitted.)

“YOUR WHOLE CAREER IS OVER!” June — on a big honesty kick thanks to Chloe’s “Bar Lies” shenanigans — screamed to James over the phone. And she was right. He was on Dancing With the Stars, after all.

The best part of the episode for a Fringe Fairy like me was the tag, which showcased James and Valentina’s complete routine following a Masterpiece Theatre-esque intro from James. (“Do you have any idea how hard I had to work to learn that dance routine? And the producers cut it down to 20 seconds?! Not on my watch. You’re welcome, America.”) That was quite a split jump off the stage and smoldering look over at (presumably) Bruno Tonioli at the judges’ table. “That was hahhhh….haaaaaaa…..WOOOOOOOT!” Carrie Ann Inaba would likely wail before hurtling out of her chair.

You can watch the dance — and the full episode — over at ABC. Did anyone else think both Dean and James were promising Dancing With the Stars contestants? Which of them would deserve the COVETED MIRRORBALL TROPHY more?

You should definitely be watching Don’t Trust the B in Apt. 23 and the fabulous Krysten Ritter if you’re into absurd comedy and bitchery, by the way. I think it’s hilarious.

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Oh and this graphic should definitely run during DWTS, when appropriate (wardrobe malfunction or someone slipped on a mirrored tray of gems, hello).

Annie Barrett’s ‘DWTS’ Facebook page

Read more:
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