Jess: You come home from a long day of work. You want to relax in a glorious, bubbly pool for one, sipping the nectar of the gods. [Pours Nick a glass of wine.]
Nick: I don’t get it. Is this bath water?
Schmidt: Might as well be — it’s rosé. Burn notice, France.
Schmidt: They took my doctor’s appointment suit! They took El Capitan! Damn it. The only one he left was my summer suit with the lightning bolt on the back. I keep that in my summer bin along with my summer condoms — citrus-flavored for a more refreshing summer experience.
Jess: That’s… a jar.
Winston: Jar for sure.
Schmidt: Look at this — took my suits, left the douchebag jar. Typical meth-head!
Caught on security camera, by Schmidt
“So many years of footage! This is from last May — I was trying to add an extra ab muscle. This is when I was experimenting with faux hawks. This is when I was lowering my bar sexually.”
For Vodka: “I’m out there every night, ballin’ to the max, and you expect me to do what? Just stop and chew up some cherry-flavored multi-V? No thanks. I’ll take my vitamins on the rocks. Double V: Heart. Spirit. Body. Party.”
For Cece: “I’m a man with feelings. Feelings that are bubbling up inside of me, and they’re about the explode. I would like for those feelings to explode onto you.”