Speaking of Schmidt, he was in the midst of two very important pitches. First, his boss gave him the chance to run his first account — appropriately, for a vitamin-infused vodka called Double V (is there anything more douche-tastic?). Second, Cece revealed she’d broken up with Robby because he wasn’t ready to have a family. For both opportunities, Schmidt would need to consult the “Schmidt in suits” look book he’d already photographed (“Wasted project, huh, Nick?” — “Herring bone? How did you get in here?!”). He chose his best suit and would have been in top form… but then came the flood, leaving Schmidt with only his summer suit emblazoned with a lightning bolt on the back. As summer suits are…?
Before heading to Cece’s apartment the next morning, Schmidt pumped himself up by rehearsing his speech in the bathroom mirror. He started somewhere in the Jodeci milieu before quickly moving to a Barry White throatiness. It goes without saying that Nick was listening the entire time. Schmidt was at first indignant at the eavesdropping, but his chest-puffing soon gave way to begging for Nick’s blessing. Nick awkwardly tried to avoid this guy-on-guy emotional exchange, but Schmidt forced it out of him. Then attacked him with a bearhug. Nick’s hilariously awkward clenched hands were priceless. Schmidt literally had to pounce on Nick to make the embrace happen.
Schmidt arrived at Cece’s apartment with his “Ukrainian dentist” suit and a pigeon in a box (he couldn’t find a dove). She ignored all cheesiness, not to mention his verging-on-creepy statement that he’d “put [her] hair in a bowl and eat it,” as well as the inevitable objections of her anti-Semitic mother. Instead, she focused on his earnestness. Schmidt sealed the deal by offering to “convert to Indianism.” With that promise and his love of chut-i-ney, how could she resist? She agreed to an official date that night, and he took a moment for an extra douche-dorable fist pumping “Yesssssss!” before he headed to work.
Sorry to say, Schmidt’s vodka presentation didn’t go quite so smoothly. Fifty Shades of Boss clearly wasn’t ready to let Schmidt go and would give him the account only if he taste-tested every flavor of vitamin vodka with her. He turned up at Cece’s apartment hours late after getting stupid-faceded drunk with his former sex contractor. “Nothing happened,” he assured her. “She just wanted me to taste the V — that came out wrong.” Even while he slurred that he could now pay for their babies’ college, Cece was losing faith. She called her mom to say she was ready to be set up with a nice Indian boy. Oh yeah, and somewhere in there, Schmidt announced that he was going to pee in his summer suit.
The next morning, Schmidt returned home hungover and rumpled and looking hot like a summer
suitday. He found Jess and Winston “tied up” and claiming the meth-heads had come back to steal more stuff and return Schmidt’s suits because they didn’t fit. Of course they’d dry cleaned them first, deluxe package, as all polite junkies do. Sensing Schmidt’s doubt, Winston crumbled and admitted he and Jess wanted a bathtub with bubbles and candles. Schmidt was too dejected to notice the confession or refuse the hot tub. He told them what had happened, and they rushed from their fake restraints to comfort him. Maybe he was still a little drunk because he asked dumbly, “How did you guys get out of your ties?”
NEXT: Nick gets a drinking buddy/love interest