The episode opened with Sheldon referencing his nipples and closed with him talking about Howard’s penis. Yes, you read that right. Sheldon Cooper is a wild man! His animal instincts first kick in when Howard shares the news that he’s the owner of a new car and new parking space. His spot technically belongs to Sheldon so he throws a hissy fit and demands its return. Never mind the fact that Sheldon doesn’t own a car or know how to drive. “I’m not using my nipples either, why don’t they reassign those?” he asks when Howard suggests the university reassigned the parking spot because Sheldon left it unoccupied. After a call to the president of the university proves to be futile, he challenges Wolowitz at his own game. Sheldon steals his Iron Man helmet (a limited edition collectible!) and wears it casually in the office to prove that he’s making use out of it. Howard then steals his most prized possession, his doctorate, only to hear Sheldon retort, “Go ahead. It’s the only doctorate you’ll ever get.”
The temperature rises when Amy and Bernadette get involved in their lovers’ battles. The gals are drinking wine at Penny’s apartment when Amy makes a dig about Howard’s accomplishments. I’m not sure if she was acting rashly (pun intended) due to the effects of her first bikini wax (they yanked out at least five pounds of hair) or was simply standing up for her man, but girlfriend got down and dirty. Bernadette asks if, like Sheldon’s work, their sex life is theoretical. And Amy makes a valid point in saying that when (more like if) she does have sex with Sheldon, he won’t be thinking about his mother? Oh no, she didn’t!
As soon as I got that disturbing image out of my head, a very naked Howard revived it. Sheldon enters his apartment to find Howard in his birthday suit sitting naked in his spot on the couch with his laptop on his groin. (Side note: shouldn’t Howard be banished already?)
Amy’s wildest dreams come true when Sheldon retaliates by breaking the law later that night. He vandalizes school property (read: spray paints his name in place of Howard’s on his parking block) at the risk of getting a stern scolding from campus security. ”Freakin’ pigs!” yells Amy, the co-MVP of the episode. Again, whether due to the tingling side effects of her wax or sexual frustration, Amy asks Sheldon into the car and shows him her “blank canvas.” He didn’t paint it, of course, but this is equivalent to third base in their relationship. Of course, Sheldon is more shocked by the number of bandages down there than the flower itself.
The Tom and Jerry-esque episode continues when Amy finds out that Bernadette has had her car towed from Howard’s spot (Sheldon asked her to leave it parked there the previous night). She tries to hit Bernadette with her tote bag, but accidentally strikes Penny, leaving her with a broken nose. Let’s just say she had a lot of loose change in there. Bernadette (MVP #2) steals back the scene as they’re exiting the apartment when she confesses that she also scratched Amy’s car. Thank the universe for angry Bernadette!
Next up: Sheldon’s move. He takes his work (including his whiteboard, desk chair, and laptop) outside to show Howard he’s making use out of the space so Howard, naturally, tries to run him over. Leonard comes in to de-escalate the conflict, but it’s far too late. Now Howard is out of the car and Sheldon is sitting inside. Naked. Without the influence of alcohol.
The back and forth shenanigans finally comes to an end when Howard (following Raj’s orders) apologizes. But big-headed Sheldon insists he must be the bigger person, one ups Howard again, and forfeits the spot until he learns to drive or gets a Batmobile.
The final scene makes the perfect ending to the flawless episode. Sheldon takes his couch cushion to the cleaners to cleanse it of Howard’s “anal autograph”/”colon calling card.” As though he hadn’t disturbed the worker enough, he also offers to sell him his laptop for his son with the guarantee that it “spent less than 20 minutes resting on an astronaut’s penis.” At least he referred to Howard as an astronaut. That’s progress.