Nick: So he’s saying everything up this point has been foreplay? Are you kidding me? That’s ridiculous! What are you going to do for 20 minutes? Boooring! Yaaaaawn! Amirite, ladies?
Jess: Come on, I spent $6 on this wine!
Melissa: Did you know there’s a test you can take that tells you how many beans you’ve got left in your bean sack?
Sadie: Ovaries. It estimates, basically, how many childbearing years you have left.
Melissa: Get this — I’m 32, but my eggs are 48, and my vagina is 97.
Nick: I am so uncomfortable.
Sadie: It gets better with age. It’s like the vagina Helen Mirren.
Nick: Oh boy!
Sadie: I’ve got big plans for the centennial…
Schmidt: Sadie, before you leave, can I ask you a few questions?
Sadie: I know where this is going…
Schmidt: You are a gynecologist and a lesbian, which makes you… well, a vagenius.
Sadie: I know my way around a Grizzly Adams.
Jess: You, too? Jar.
Schmidt: As an adult male, I would like to ask you a few questions about… the downstairs girl-cookie.
Jess: Jars! Jars! All around jars!
Sadie: This is my personal time right now, but you can make an appointment at my office, pay your $40 copay, and I will be happy to answer your questions.
Schmidt: Yes! I’m in! Please. Would I have to put my legs up in the stirrups?
Sadie: Why would you?
Schmidt: I’m asking more so out of curiosity than fear. Hashtag: Excitement!
Cece: Are you done?
Reasons Jess fears she might not be ready (or equipped) for motherhood…
“Tonight, I used a bread roll to wipe the butter off of my face, then I ate the bread roll — so I essentially used my face as a butter knife.”
“Once, at a senior graduation party, I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi for 12 hours. Is there any chance that I sunny-side-upped my eggs?”
“Between the years of 1998 and 2005, I used a lot of self tanner. Like a lot.”
“I once fell on a pommel horse.”
Jess: Microwaves zap things!
Nick: It’s what makes burritos delicious!
Jess: You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?
Nick: You’ve put me in a tough spot.
Jess: Guess what I’m worried about. This sound! [slaps belly] You know what that sound is? It’s the sound of an empty uterus. I don’t need test to tell me that it is The Grapes of Wrath in there. It is 1930s Dust Bowl, Schmidt. And they’re all walking with limps.
Nick: I can top that easily. I’m having a hard time with my zombie novel.
Jess: Are you literally comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?
Nick: I’m a writer, Jess. We create life!
Jess: Ugh! Being a woman sucks!
Nick: Preaching to the choir — women are the worst!
Jess: Who’s going to lay a flag down on this sweet, sweet continent?
Schmidt: I’ll man up. But I must warn you, Jess — I don’t have sperms, I have tadpoles. Of the gods. That’s right. And I’m going to give ‘em to you. You can have ‘em all, for all I care. That’s how much I love you. I feel your pain in this situation. I want you to have babies. Take my sperms.
Winston: No. It should be me, Jess. With your big, beautiful blue eyes and my Blair Underwood-like skin, we’d have the most beautiful baby the world has ever seen.
Schmidt: He’s not wrong. It could get into any school it wants.
Jess: To be clear, I haven’t asked any of you to impregnate me. I think it’s important that that’s been said.
Nick: Good. Because it’s definitely not me.
Jess: It’s definitely not you.
Nick: I would love that little baby with all my heart. Even if I did show it by picking him up from school in my underwear and hitting on the crossing guard.
Nick: You boys are right. I gotta be more like Hemingway.
Jess: I just lost another one of my eggs while you were comparing yourself to the most famous writer of all time.
Nick: Maybe the reason I have writer’s block is I’ve been living too casual with you clowns. I need real-life adventure — like Ernest Hemingway had at my age. Man, I gotta run with the bulls, I gotta kill a man with my bare hands after making sweet love to him, and then sleep on the warm belly of his horse. I gotta eat my way out of a sandwich house…
Winston: How much do you know about Hemingway?
Nick: Not a lot. But I’m gonna learn!
Schmidt on female pleasure [Ed. note: Find a video. Seriously]…
“I call that ‘Losing Nemo.’ That asymmetry is crucial. Because then what I’ll do is, I’ll go outside… get the paper… then shake the neighbor’s hand. Then what I’ll do is, I’ll tie a bow on it, because it’s birthday time… and get on stage and collect my Oscar and say ‘Thank you to the people… thank you to the people!’ then get back down off stage and get everybody into the sharing circle. Right down there into the sharing circle. And then [slaps desk] spike the volleyball! Then what I like to do is, I like to arrive at the bridge and meet the troll and then answer his riddles three. Then what we’re doing is we’re dancing. We’re just going dance, and dance for a while. We’re dancin’ ’til you can’t dance anymore. Dancin’ ’til you can dance. Any. More. And then everybody. Gets. Churro.”
Schmidt: I played out your most secret fantasy — French maid handyman does Studio 54 busboy. I thought I killed it!
Emma: I know. It’s disappointing. And I picked you at work because I heard you were amazing in bed.
Schmidt: No, no, no. I am. I know that I am. I have it on good authority from my model ex-girlfriend and an actual lesbian gynecologist that I know exactly what I’m doing.
Nick: Who wins? Me versus gorilla — go!
Nick: No, but in a contest.
Nick: No, but in a competition.
Jess: Uh… gorilla.
Nick: You don’t get it.
Cece: Okay, you’re just drunk at the zoo right now…
Nick: Let’s go look at snakes!
The opening lines of Z is for Zombie, as read by Winston:
No one in the sleepy mountain town of Rithem City knew what the meteor meant, but the one thing Mike Jr. did have was a whole lot of rittem.
Note: My DVR switched over from New Girl to The Mindy Project so I lost some bits until…
“…bit me in the face!” Mike Jr. said to his dad Mike Sr., who sucks.
Nick: Yeah, Mike Sr. sucks! It’s a major theme throughout this.
And Mike Sr. sucks a whole bunch, much more than his neighbor Rollo.
Schmidt: Never stop reading this!
Zombie zoo, zombie zoo, zombie zoo, zombie zoo. Who let them zombies out that damn zombie zoo? Uh oh, watch your back, Laura!
Winston: I guess Laura’s another character that he introduces, but… that’s it.