'The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn -- Part 2': A hater's guide

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Even a diehard, bile-filled Twilight-hater like myself must acknowledge fine filmmaking when he sees it. So I am obliged to report that in the course of catching The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2, I witnessed footage which exuded wit, warmth, and wonder while also serving as a reminder that, just because a franchise is several films old, doesn’t necessarily mean its best days are behind it. But, hey, that’s enough about the Hobbit trailer! What does someone who hates Twilight need to know about this final film in the series?

Well, for a start you can forget all that “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” romantic triangle malarky. Kristen Stewart’s newly vampirized Bella remains very much in love with Robert Pattinson’s blank-faced bloodsucker Edward Cullen. Meanwhile, Taylor Lautner’s buffed-out werewolf Jacob has transferred his protective attentions to Bella and Edward’s daughter, Renesmee. Is there anything creepy about Jacob “imprinting” upon this newborn (a wolfie habit which, if I’m understanding matters correctly, usually results in two beasts making the beast with two backs)? “No!” insists Jacob and the Cullen clan believe him, leading to the thought that successful paedophile prosecutions in the vampire community may be suspiciously low.

However, the fast-growing Renesmee is not just of interest to Bella, Edward, Jacob, and the publishers of Utterly Ridiculous Names Quarterly. Michael Sheen’s Aro, head of the vampires-ruling “Volturi” believes, mistakenly, that Bella and Edward’s offspring is actually a child who has been turned into a vampire, which apparently is a Very Bad Thing, and much of the movie finds the Cullens securing vampire “witnesses” in the hope that having an audience when the inevitable third act showdown occurs will prevent Aro from going overly postal. Needless to say, the fact that this whole misunderstanding could be cleared up with a simple phone call (“Bella? Hi, this is Aro. Is Renesmee a child who has been turned into a vampire?” “No.” “Jolly good. How was the honeymoon?”) is not satisfactorily explained.

And yet, if you have to see one Twilight film — and we are not saying that you do — then perhaps this would be the best choice. The always-great-even-in-garbage-like-this Sheen is allotted a generous amount of screen time to entertainingly go off his nut and even Stewart and Pattinson gift their characters with an occasional friskiness which, if you squint really hard, could be confused for acting. Twilight haters can also relish the fact that this final Twilight movie is the final Twilight movie — at least until the rights holders decide that this particular golden goose is just too lucrative an egg-layer and decide to remake the whole damn shambles.

In other words? See you in five-to-seven years.

Read more:
‘The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part I’: A hater’s guide
‘The Twilight Saga: Eclipse’: A hater’s guide
‘New Moon’: A Hater’s Guide
‘Twilight’: A hater’s guide

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