7:32 p.m.: Breaking Dawn — Part 1. Bed breakin’, here we come!
7:45 p.m.: Finish my rations, including the mandarin oranges. Suck it, scurvy.
8:03 p.m.: Cease to maintain the kiss count during Edward and Bella’s Isle Esme honeymoon. Too much sexiness!
8:37 p.m.: Between the wedding scene and Edward’s first time hearing Renesmee’s thoughts, an unfamiliar moisture clouds my vision. Must have been caused an errant sparkle that flew off Edward’s chest.
8:54 p.m.: Bella will never stop looking horrifying in these final scenes. It’s like they put all the budget from the first three movies (certainly from the wolves) into producing one good effect.
9:14 p.m.: Ack! CGI baby! It’s no surprise Jacob eventually nicknames her Nessie because that’s about how real she looks.
9:20 p.m.: Vampire Bella! Audience members are too excited to wait to clap until her red eyes pop open.
9:23 p.m.: Rapturous applause as BD1 wraps up. I momentarily feel bad leaving behind my war buddies to move to another theater, but then I remember this kind of thinking is how cults are populated.
And that’s where I’ll hand over to my colleague Erin Strecker, who fearlessly joined me for the bedlam-esque 10 p.m. Breaking Dawn — Part 2 premiere. For now, I can say this: 13-plus hours watching only Twilight films can pass surprisingly quickly when you’re in it to win it. “It” in this case being bragging rights with Hot Topic loiterers.
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