But back to the wide-reaching effects of Jess’s emotional volatility, which included Winston’s self-diagnosis of sympathy PMS. In other words, he thought he was manstruating. (Schmidt: “Men can’t get their period. Where would they put the tampon?”) Winston’s symptoms were so bad, he took a personal day from work. Even after Jess emerged from her pre-menstrual slump and Schmidt turned the gas back on, Winston was still bumming. Ultimately, he admitted it wasn’t really PMS — he just missed Shelby. And Nick had just the cure!
Meanwhile, Schmidt considered embarking upon a sadomasochistic sexual affair with his boss (Carla Gugino), including signing a contract that absolved her from everything from “imagined trauma” to “guaranteed mercury poisoning.” When he bragged about this development to Cece and Robbie, Cece began to doubt whether she was a nice girl like Robbie claimed. She had always thought of herself as a bad girl, so she tried to prove it by heading to loft and kissing Schmidt. But she stopped herself and said she had qualms with hurting Robbie. (Schmidt: ”We don’t have qualms. We sold our qualms and used them to buy perfect bodies.”) Her decision not to sleep with Schmidt was a cruel tease for him (and us), but it did inspire Schmidt’s truly sweet confession: ”I will never stop wanting to kiss you.”
It also inspired Schmidt to sign the S&M contract, plus one stipulation: If his boss ever writes an autobiography, she must refer to him as Moises Perdue. He told her, “I’m a depraved freak, and I want to wander into the Narnia of your sexual terror and emerge like a freshly birthed calf.” With that, it was on. And yet! Seeing how ineptly his boss tried to bind his hands, Schmidt realized she was new to this domination stuff, too. No matter. Thanks to the contract, he was no longer legally allowed to reject her. Bring on the whips and ball gags!
“It hurts like I’ve laid a million eggs, and they’re all hatching!”
“I feel like I want to murder somebody and also I want soft pretzels!”
“I’ve had it! If any of you cross me, I’ll kick the testicles clean off of your body. Clean off! You’ll look like Ken dolls down there. Because that’s where I’m at right now.”
“It feels like a fat man sitting on my uterus!”
“I was sabotaged by my baby box. So that means I’m never going to trust anything that comes out of it.”
Jess: Now, if you’ll excuse me gentleman, I’m going to go get a job — like it’s my…
Jess: SHUT UP!
Schmidt [to Cece]: Your getting your scent all over my pillow. It took me months to get rid of that heavenly curry smell.
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