'Gossip Girl' recap: Dumping ground

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Image Credit: Giovanni Rufino/The CW

Some TV shows get a kick out of having annual Halloween episodes, but on Gossip Girl, it’s common practice to dress up and pretend to be something you’re not. Luckily, the Upper East Side has its own version of a Pagan holiday — Cotillion! Except this annual tradition has less virgin sacrifices — because let’s face it, where are we going to find a virgin among this crowd?

Alas, this parade of “innocence,” in which Sage was set to participate (HAHA!), was the focal point of all the action this week.

Naturally, Sage wanted nothing more than for Serena to be absent from the festivities., but once Steven remembered that he had forgotten to invite his girlfriend and her bosoms, he extended an invite that Serena accepted. (Gripe: WHY invite yourself?! If the Baby Spice clearly doesn’t want her there, Serena should obliged at least this once, in a sign of good faith. Agree/Disagree?)

Of course, the decision to relive her glory days (of five minutes ago) would come back to haunt Serena. Leading up to and at the event, Sage ended up causing a host of troubles.

First, after learning that her father was going to propose, Sage made Serena believe that her dad reversed his decision by planting stories on Gossip Girl. When that failed to scare away the Big Bad Van der Wolf from the event, Sage then stole Georgina’s cell phone to gain possession of the Serena/Dan sex tape, which she promptly broadcast to the entire room. And the final straw occurred when she paraded around in yet another skimpy frock — provided by buzz-seeking Blair — and upset all the pearl-clutchers in attendance.

What came from this teenage rebellion? A domino effect of damage.

Serena was dumped by Steven, who was likely jealous that he wouldn’t get to be her first sex tape co-star. (You know he has a freaky side.) Blair was outraged by Serena and Dan’s actions, and essentially bid them both adieu for the rest of time after it had seemed like she and S were on the road to being friends again. (Serena and Dan drowned their sorrows with milkshakes and pie.) And Nate dumped Sage, telling her that her actions were “too high school’ for him. Dumped by the 23-year-old who had the nerve to parade his child girlfriend at Cotillion — that’s like being dumped by the guy who still wears his letterman jacket post-grad. Welcome to rock bottom, Sage. Seems you know how to lose weight and boyfriends without even trying.

I have some burning questions: Do you hope that Sage and Steven are gone forever? I do, and with only five episodes left, I think it’s too late for us to continue dragging this out. Are you glad Dan and Serena are showing sparks again? Do you fault me for leaving out Ivy and Rufus out of this recap. I hope you don’t; I just couldn’t take the anguish of remembering those two exist. Were you disappointed that Georgina didn’t cut off Sage’s bony hands when she realized the brat had swiped her phone? Sometimes I wish this show was on AMC — but then I stop sniffing glue.

QUOTEABLES: (contribute your own in comments)

“There’s traditional and there’s missionary, which does not work for the dress…or you, as I recall” — Dan

“There’s no Viagra for a career that’s gone soft.”– Georgina

Related:
‘Beauty and the Beast’ gets full season
OMFOGG! ‘Gossip Girl’ plans Frank Ocean-only soundtrack


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