'Happy Endings' react: Drowning in 'Misery'

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Image Credit: Carin Baer/ABC

The ah-mah-zing Penny and Co. are back! And, in Penny’s case, a little bit worse for wear.

The season kicked off with Penny on a date (with Brian Austin Green), where she declined to go sky-diving because it isn’t safe. But she did manage to take a tumble down a flight of stairs, breaking both of her arms and getting a pretty ugly half-body cast while trying to avoid jumping. And naturally, her friends found this hilarious enough to constantly re-watch on a computer. But the joke was on them because Penny’s new physical therapist turned out to be really hot, which made Max stick around to take care of her, and also lie a bunch about Penny’s condition to get Hot Physical Therapist Kent to stick around as well. She called him out to Kent after Max drugged her to get some alone time (with friends like that…), and then Penny and Max had a heart-to-heart that let viewers know that Penny still had some feelings for Dave. Uh-oh.

Speaking of Dave, Alex and Dave were keeping things casual after their flirtation in the finale. They’re hooking up, they explained to their totally-over-it friends, but are certainly not in a serious relationship. “The last thing we want is for things to get complicated like in It’s Complicated, so we’re just going to go with it like in Just Go With It and just be friends with benefits like in No Strings Attached,” Alex explained. As anyone could have predicted, the situation doesn’t really end that well as Alex encouraged Dave to go on a date with a hot bartender, then panicked and showed up at the same place with a date of her own (he modeled for Playgirl!).

Much like in all the romantic comedies Alex mentioned, Dave and Alex wind up having sex again, and decide that they do want to be more serious. This their friends have a problem with. I have a problem with it too: We all know it’s not going to end well, and I don’t think I can stomach another canceled wedding. But I’m probably getting ahead of myself. There’s no way those two are not going to panic before they move in together.

Meanwhile, our favorite married couple Jane and Brad were adjusting to Brad losing his job and staying home from work – or so Jane thought. While Jane was happy to have a house-husband that perfected his Sinbrad routine from 9-5, Brad can’t just quit — so he was secretly still working at an Anchorman-loving office. My favorite gag of the night was Jane Skyping him, and he had a full backdrop of their apartment ready behind his desk. Problems arose when Jane decided to surprise him by coming (so hard) home early one afternoon, and a still-wearing-a-full-suit Brad dove into a tub, and that’s when a naked Jane figured it all out.

Of course, Happy Endings lives and dies not by its plot but by its quippy one-liners, and the premiere was on fire in terms of lines that made me laugh. A few of my favorites:

“I love a Penny pile on as much as the next slut.” -Jane

“Alex and Dave, much like Dave’s new haircut, are keeping it cas [ual].” –Dave

“Two things you should know about me. I’m selfless, and I have moves like Jagger.” -Max

“I’ve been coming so hard home from work.” -Jane

“That girl so whack, her first name should be nick nack patty.” -Brad

“Max is misery-ing me! He’s like Kathy Bates but way fatter.” -Penny

“As the wise Wendy Williams said on her show, girl, you can’t move backwards in a relationship.” -Dave

“Bro V. Wade” “Bro-lin, James.” -Alex and Dave

“Are you sure you’re gay?” “You tell me. I just wrote a Hot in Cleveland spec script and just had sex with Kent in your powder room.” –Penny and Max

Read more:
‘Happy Endings’ scoop: Mark-Paul Gosselaar is [SPOILER]’s new roomie! — EXCLUSIVE
Q&A: Zachary Knighton previews tonight’s ‘Happy Endings’ premiere
PopWatch Planner: Baseball, ‘Happy Endings,’ ‘Cloud Atlas’ and more


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