Welcome to ‘What Is Your Damage,’ Annie Barrett’s summer shop of all the melodrama and self-absorption she misses from springtime reality TV. Every Tuesday and Friday, she’ll rant about a current offense to her humanity, then assess readers’ damages via video replies. Don’t be shy about admitting what annoys or intrigues you. We’re all in this pop cult together!
What’s your damage, Olympics commercials? Way to fuel my post-London depression. The Games are over but you’re still around, bringing back misty water-colored memories of the 17 days I spent cryling (crying/smiling) and LOVING IT on my couch. It’s time to go! You’ll fade out anyway, and it’s best we make a clean break so I can muster up the courage to go outside again. You know I love you, but you’re ultimately a fleeting tease, like Costas’ one-night-only hipster glasses. “What’s Your Damage, London?” volumes 1, 2, 3, and 4 were fun, but I can’t keep writing about the Olympics forever. Just once more. Allow me to assess your damage.
ANNIE’S TOP 10 DAMAGING OLYMPICS COMMERCIALS: LONDON 2012
I like how I have to distinguish these from any other Olympics, as if I’ll do the same list in four years. At this rate of hatin’, it seems I will have long quit the internet by then!
ParaNorman — “Nailed It”
Hilarious use of Tim Daggett’s stirring vocals, but this is a haunting reminder of the night the pommel horse fatally headbutted everyone. (1 out of 10 on the Damages Scale)
P&G: Kids 2012
A damage only because the little girl on the balance beam could easily pass for a real Olympic gymnast. Aghhh, the mortality! Also: I cried. Sidenote: The mom’s floral shirt at the end. (2)
Nike — “Find Your Greatness”
Yo Annie. You lazy bitch. That big kid’s running and you’re not. (3.5 and I really love this ad)
McDonald’s — “The Simple Joy of Winning”
It just made me feel terrible that Lolo Jones came in fourth in the hurdles instead of winning. The simple joy of nobody cares. And this “trainer” kid is AWFUL. I ended up googling “McLovin” because I couldn’t remember what McLovin looked like and thought it could be this guy, because why on earth would they cast this creature unless he had some epic pre-established tie to McDonald’s? I’d rather watch McDonald’s products under 400 calories (yeah right) flirt with each other than this mess. And OLYMPIANS DON’T EAT MCDONALD’S. They haven’t ordered dessert in two years! (4)
Sears — deadly refrigerator at the beach (?!)
For making me LIKE a Sears commercial. (5)
Subway — use it to train for the Olympics
You didn’t freaking invent avocados, Subway. (6.66 repeating)
Visa — Yelena Isinbaeva
When Morgan Freeman softly laments, “But she grew too tall, and she had to settle,” I self-indulgently worry that he’s narrating — from the future! — the tragic saga of my love life. How did he know? What did I do? (7)
Citi: “Active Vacation”
And I just keep sounding more and more insane! I’m not proud of this: Every time it comes on, I develop a stronger urge to shove the narrator and Sophia off of that mountain as they “go for a ride in the park” and “get some fresh air.” WHY? Lucky for them, I’m all the way over here in Unadventureland. (8)
AT&T — “Afternoon Run” ft. marathoner Ryan Hall
Yeah, I’ll probably jog more after the Olympics. But if I ever listen to The Odyssey and Moby Dick while jogging instead of my trusty mix of Scandinavian electropop and upbeat ELO, just put me down. I won’t want to live anymore. Not like that. (9)
NEXT PAGE: Most Damaging Commercial, plus: My video replies to YOUR damages