Olympics recap, Day 12: Misty sandy-colored memories of the way we won

USA-LONG-JUMP

Image Credit: Matt Dunham/AP Photo

That sand looks super spongey, right? Like long jump gold medalist Brittney Reese is landing in a big cake? It’s tea time, fellow armchair Olympians. Let’s dig deep and dive right in.

Day 12 brought a gold-medal U.S. vs. U.S. beach volleyball match, a charmed third time for sprinter Allyson Felix, and my sneaking suspicion that I would willingly watch random track and field events in prime time any night. These athletes, man. They’re getting to me. I don’t know if I can go back to regular old humans again. Couldn’t NBC just keep showing more Olympics instead of America’s Got Talent? They could still call it that!

Of course, Diving preliminaries were up first — the women’s 10m Platform. Diving always seems to be first. It’s NBC’s chance to ease you into the treacherous waters of prime time at a soothing 35 miles per hour. All of today’s scores will be scrapped, of course, but two Americans — Katie Bell and Brittany Viola — advanced to the semifinal round.

The commentators were especially impressed by the visual transformation of Australia’s Michelle Wu from 2008 to present day.

“Michelle’s main thrill in life is a makeover,” added Dionne from Clueless. So weird that she was there!

Men’s 110m Hurdles: Aries Merritt, “an athlete in the form of his life,” and Jason Richardson, the reigning world champion, brought home gold and silver for the U.S. Hansle Parchment — one of my favorite names of the Olympics so far — won bronze for Jamaica. What’s even more impressive than Richardson’s huge diamond earrings are Merritt’s intricately patterned corn rows and the fact that he’d had to switch his push-off foot and focus his training on his weaker side. That’s incredible! He gave Lewis Johnson a great interview, saying he thinks of every race as just a practice.

When commercials came on, I thought to myself, “I could never make it over those hurdles” and realized how much I sounded like a QUITTER looking back on her miserable failure of a life. Unacceptable!

Women’s 400m Hurdles: Lashinda Demus — she of the adorable twin sons Duane and Dante — was PISSED that Russia’s Natalya Antyukh crossed the line just inches ahead of her after a well-fought race. The Olympics are so funny like this. Most medalists are thrilled to “win bronze,” but some refuse to “settle for silver.” Demus promised not to stop until she got the gold medal. “You will see me in 2016,” she fumed.

Another finalist in this race, Denisa Rosolova from the Czech Republic, sported one of the most befuddling free-flowing track and field hairstyles yet: a loosely arranged side pony with seemingly nothing holding it in place!

Freakin’ Olympians. How do they do it?

NEXT PAGE: Allyson Felix gets her gold

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