What is your damage, London Olympics? (Vol. 1)

Welcome to ‘What Is Your Damage,’ Annie Barrett’s summer shop of all the melodrama and self-absorption she misses from springtime reality TV. Every Tuesday and Friday, she’ll rant about a current offense to her humanity, then assess readers’ damages via video replies. Don’t be shy about admitting what annoys or intrigues you. We’re all in this pop cult together!

What’s your damage, Olympics? Stop making me feel fat! Great, column over. From the back, to the middle and around again…

I already complained about Ryan Lochte’s diamond-encrusted grill (and prognosticated its eventual takeover of the nation) during the trials, so what else is there? Oh, EVERYTHING.

Most prominent in my mind right now: What is your damage, Andrea Kremer? NBC’s poolside interviewer has been relentless in her bizarre quest to curate this creepy atmosphere in which the U.S. swimmers feel worse than they do already. She gets an easy perfect ’10’ on the Damages scale.

Last night after Michael Phelps won his semifinal heat for the Men’s 200M Fly, she immediately dug into the DARK SIDE of whatever might be flying through his head. “I want to check in on the state of Michael. Walk the Phelps fans back in the U.S. off the ledge here…. Which Michael will we get to see? The one who didn’t make the podium in the 400 IM or the one who had the phenomenal split in the relay?”

WHAT?! No one is on any ledge here, silly. “Which Michael shows up?” she demanded, to which Phelps awkwardly teased, “We’ll see in 24 hours,” because what else could he possibly say?

“Oh, come on. WHICH ONE?” She inched closer, flames thrashing through her pupils. Like he knows! As if he’s keeping the secret to himself (and the other version of himself) instead of offering it to her as exclusive scoop? And if he doesn’t eventually break down and promise a gold medal, she won’t have gotten the real story here? Gross.

Kremer was also brutal to the guys after they lost to France in the free relay, and won’t give up on that storyline either. Last night she asked Lochte “Where’s your confidence level?” after “obviously some disappointments in the relay.” It’s like she WANTS him to be thrown off to generate and then doggie paddle endlessly in a whirlpool of more drama. Lady this isn’t reality TV! It’s the Olympics. Show some class.

Stop criminalizing silver medalists, Andrea Kremer! The hate stops here.

OTHER OLYMPICS DAMAGES:

NBC’S Today show promo that spoiled Missy Franklin’s gold medal-winning race (10)

Dude. Not cool. I did everything right yesterday — stayed off Twitter, didn’t check Olympics news, watched NBC for 16 hours like a zombie (#RejectedOlympicEvents). DON’T SHOW ME WHAT’S ABOUT TO HAPPEN THREE MINUTES BEFORE IT COMES ON. Are you nuts? Greedy guts.

Getting Closer With Dan and Rowdy

I first became obsessed with their persistent closeness back during the trials, but it deserves a revisit. Every few seconds, Dan Hicks turns in and glares intently — not even into Rowdy Gaines’ eyes but slightly downward — with great focus, as if he must inhale the will to live right out of Rowdy’s lungs. Just give him a lung, Rowdy! Stop the madness.

EW.com scoundrel Darren Franich and I have decided Dan and Rowdy need to star in a sequel to Alfred Hitchcock’s Rope once this pool party is all over. In the psychological thriller Lane Line, Dan and Rowdy strangle Ryan Seacrest with a lane line, then invite the NBC Olympics team over for dinner (Costas cameo!). Eventually Andrea Kremer wanders over to ask where it all went wrong, and that’s pretty much the movie. On the Damage scale: (7)

Switzerland

For securing the rights to clone a Zac Efron/David Beckham hybrid way before we even thought to. (4)

London Weather

A beach volleyball travesty. ZERO visible cheek. (8)

NEXT PAGE: Damage danger zone! Kindly stop cutting away from the cuddling swimmers!


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