Welcome to ‘What Is Your Damage,’ Annie Barrett’s summer shop of all the melodrama and self-absorption she misses from springtime reality TV. Every Tuesday and Friday, she’ll rant about a current offense to her humanity, then assess readers’ damages via video replies. Don’t be shy about admitting what annoys or intrigues you. We’re all in this pop cult together!
What’s your damage, Cat? Why are you slumming it as the host of The Choice, Fox’s dating-game answer to NBC’s The Voice? Well, not really answer. The Choice is like a phlegmy gurgle that The Voice quietly stifles for the sake of politeness. It is possibly the worst show I have ever seen. And apparently I have no choice but to watch it since you are the host!
That’s how much I love you, Cat Deeley. You’ve been my hero ever since I started recapping season 2 of So You Think You Can Dance. I always thought cats were creepy and judge-y, but there you were, bubbly and brash and calling out the judges when they made no sense. I was so excited that I finally liked “a Cat.”
The internet was all, “What’s with her nose?” and I was all “What ISN’T with her nose? Her nose is everything.” I loved that you were goofy, awkward, and slightly “off” and that somehow all of those things worked in your favor. Even though you’re obviously gorgeous, I never get a “perfect” or “glossy” vibe from you. What we see on camera is the way you are in real life. It’s exceedingly refreshing.
So I can see why Fox wanted to inject your realness into an entirely fake setting like The Choice. Going into it, I thought maybe your charm would ultimately elevate the show into something greater than its original premise. (“This is stupid!”) But I’m afraid it’s the opposite. This crapfest is dragging you down, girl. What is your damage? Stop it!
I know you can’t. You filmed all the Choice episodes back-to-back and it’s a distant memory at this point. But didn’t it hurt after awhile, having to smile and play along with the lady meat sticks who shout out their résumés (“I’M HOTTT!”) to the “celebrity guys” for 30 seconds, making sure to squeeze in “And I just want to cook for you and serve you beers” at the end? Didn’t you want to cringe when one of the plasticine shawarmas couldn’t answer a question during the “speed choice round” (CRINGE, so much secondhand embarrassment) because she didn’t recognize the word “pastime”? And did it feel weird to lie — Cat, no! — when you told Joe Jonas, “That 10 seconds seems too short…” after his final, pointless chair swivel/deliberation period was THE LONGEST 10 SECONDS OF MY LIFE?
Did you not die inside a little when, faced by the exciting prospect of having a 15-second conversation with their dates, some of the girls blurted out terrible, horrible, no good, very bad third- or fourth-date questions like “What is your relationship like with your family?” or “Hello. Do you have any allergies?” (Joe Jonas does not.)
I mean, you know this show is the worst, right?
Right??? Or does it “pull your love handle”? Did you just shiver? Please tell me you shivered.
I’m sorry, Cat. I don’t want you to be cold. But this show is fuh-reezing.
You’re an Emmy nominee, sweet pea! Does this look like an Emmy winner to you?
Then again, Tom Bergeron also deserves an Emmy and look at him.
Oh well. Emmys for everyone!
Next up: My video replies to EW.com readers’ damages!
YOUR Damages for June 15, 2012: I’ve ranked the following atrocities, submitted by readers this week, on a scale of 1 (harmless) to 10 (Heather Chandler). Scroll through the replies above to see how your damages fared in this arbitrary exercise!
–Carly Rae Jespen’s “Call Me Maybe”
–The “Afro Circus” clip from Madagascar 3
–Britney Spears, Demi Lovato, and J. Lo as judges of singing competitions
–Beyoncé songs that reveal their true (dumb) nature
–CBS’ aggression towards ABC’s Glass House
–Any and all Real Housewives
–Terrible pop music
–Anderson Cooper’s double standard for trashiness
–People who complain about movies with ambiguous endings
–Friends who flake out on awesome summer plans
–The Secret Life of the American Teenager
–When the first performer’s name on the Duets chart is revealed
Click on the text prompts in the video player. Submit your own damage in the space under the picture!
Pretty damaging week all around!
What is YOUR damage? What is with you today? What’s with today, today? Let me know what’s annoying you by sending me a “question” in the video box. Start with “From [your name, or a code name if it's too embarrassing to be seen with me]” so I can address you properly). You can also tweet and/or e-mail me your damages. Do not mail me your damages. I do not believe in paper.
Thanks for playing along, and I’ll see you Tuesday!
What is your damage, Justin Bieber?
‘The Choice’: Cat Deeley gasps for air in a sea of trashy plastic dummies
Madonna flashes butt in Rome. What’s her damage?
Annie Barrett’s other video replies on VYou