The Webby Awards' best five-word speeches -- plus Patton Oswalt's funniest quips

WEBBY-BJORK

Image Credit: Jamie McCarthy/WireImage

Why did the International Academy of the Digital Arts and Sciences choose Patton Oswalt to host this year’s 16th Annual Webby Awards? Oswalt has an inkling: “I look like the Internet personified,” he told an audience filled with celebrities, tech bigwigs, and humble entertainment journalists this afternoon. But Oswalt needn’t have been so self-deprecating. His jokes were uniformly well-received at Monday’s awards ceremony, especially when the comedian went off book. This, for example, is how Oswalt reacted after Game of Thrones actor Nikolaj Coster-Waldau accepted a statuette on behalf of Greenland.com: “I think winter just came!”

Oswalt, of course, wasn’t the only one loosing pithy quips. The Webbys enforce a strict five-word acceptance speech policy, which can lead to addresses both dull (“Thank you, Mom and Dad”) and inspired (Stephen Colbert, accepting the Person of the Year Award in ’08: “Me me me me me!”). Thankfully, memorable lines usually outnumber boring ones — and this year was no exception. Here’s a roundup of today’s most notable acceptance speeches:

Bjork (Artist of the Year, pictured above): “A, E, I, O, U!”

Graydon Sheppard and Juliette Lewis (Best Actresses for “Sh– Girls Say”): “We just want to thank…”

A rep from College Humor (Best Comedy: Individual Short or Episode for “Siri Argument”): “Siri, we won! [long pause] F—ing AT&T.”

Derek Waters, creator of “Drunk History” (Best Comedy: Long Form or Series for “Drunk History Christmas”): “Grandpa, this is a Webby.”

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg (Lifetime Achievement): “Make it here, then everywhere.”

Elizabeth Commandeur and Jamal Hamidi of Tribal DDB (Best Rich Media B to C for Intel’s “The Escape”): “Next time, there’ll be ninjas.”

A rep from MoMA (People’s Voice, Best Mobile & Experience Marketing for “I Went To MoMA And…”): “Patton’s Twitter password is ‘mommy.’”

Danny McBride as Kenny Powers, on behalf of K-Swiss (People’s Voice, Best Branded Content, “The K-Swiss MFCEO”): “Thank you, K-mothaf—ing Swiss!”

Mike Krieger and Kevin Systrom of Instagram (Breakout of the Year): “This here requires no filter.”

Andreas Anderskov and Jakob Kahlen of Hello Monday (People’s Voice, Best Home/Welcome Page): “Please support same monster marriage!”

A rep from Pinterest (Best Social Media): “Pinterest loves you, Ryan Gosling!”

A rep from Fervr (Best Religion and Spirituality): “Jesus nailed it… for us.” (Joked Oswalt, after this speech: “What would Jesus hashtag? #Sandals?”

A rep from Dropbox (Best Web Services & Applications): “Simplify.”

Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight (Best Political Blog): “Stop and smell the data.”

Louis C.K. (Person of the Year): “When I die, bye bye.”

After Louis C.K.’s morbid address, Oswalt bid farewell to the audience both in New York City’s Hammerstein Ballroom and those watching the Webbys live stream at home. He ended the night with his own Webbys-style speech: “Innovate. Collaborate. Educate. Communicate. Bieber.”

Think you could put together a five-word speech that’s as good as those above? It’s harder than it — crap.

Read more:
EW Special Coverage: Tech
Kevin Smith on his new Hulu film-appreciation show ‘Spoilers’: ‘It’s a weird dream come true’ — VIDEO
Patton Oswalt searches for the first ‘First!’ in Webbys promo

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