Biff from 'Back to the Future' answers all your questions on one handy postcard

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Image Credit: Everett Collection

Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd, Lea Thompson, and Crispin Glover are all nice. The hoverboards didn’t really fly. The Delorean was small and uncomfortable.

Now, can you please leave Tom Wilson alone?

Wilson — the actor who played Biff in all three Back to the Future movies — gets a lot of questions from a lot of fans. The trouble is, those fans always seem to ask the same things. So Wilson decided to start saving time by handing out 400-word postcards that list the answers to every fan FAQ. Shaun Usher from Letters of Note posted a photo of one on his Twitter today — and the Internet’s been buzzing about it ever since.

These missives are basically a longer, non-rhyming version of a musical comedy bit Wilson’s been doing for years — and according to Wilson’s manager Alex Murray, his client has been distributing them for about a decade. Wilson doesn’t bring a stack of cards everywhere he goes, but he does often carry around a few “just for fun,” Murray told EW.

Check out the full text of Biff’s note below:

I’m Tom Wilson. I was in all three “Back to the Future” movies. Michael J. Fox is nice. I’m not in close contact with him. Christopher Lloyd is nice. He is a very shy man. Crispin Glover is unusual, but not as unusual as he sometimes presents himself. We got along nicely. Lea Thompson is nice. Eric Stoltz originally played Marty, but was fired due to performance issues. The first movie was shot in 1984 and ’85. The sequels were shot “back to back,” never before attempted by a movie studio. The hoverboards didn’t really fly, we were hanging by wires from a crane. The manure was made of peat moss, cork, dirt, and a food agent that made it sticky. The Delorean was an inferior automobile, and nearly impossible for a person of normal size like myself to enter and exit. There are many tine plot points hidden in the movies, but I don’t know what they are. Among many improvisations on the set, I coined the term “butthead,” as well as “Make like a tree, and get out of here.” The third movie was my favorite, since I got to learn western skills like riding, roping, quick draw, and shooting a six-shooter, a great adventure for a guy from Philadelphia. I hold my co-workers in the best light, but have no idea what any of them are doing right now. Steven Spielberg was the executive producer of the movie, but Robert Zemeckis directed it. Nobody had any idea that the movies would become a cultural touchstone, but the themes of friendship and adventure moved the audience so powerfully that I felt the need to create this postcard as a time-saver. It was the first movie I acted in, if you don’t count being killed in the Kung-Fu movie “Ninja Turf.” Love is more important than material possessions. I made less money than you think. I don’t talk about the movies much because I’m busy with standup comedy and music performances. Those performances aren’t near the magnitude of the movies, but I find them enjoyable and satisfying, so that’s the area of my concentration. I’ve performed on “The Tonight Show” with both Johnny Carson and Jay Leno, but not at the same time. I’m pleased and proud of my acting credits, listed at http://www.imdb.com. I’m a painter as well. You can contact me at http://www.tomwilsonusa.com. Thank you and God bless you.

And, for good measure, here’s Wilson’s catchy “Question Song”:

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