According to reunion master Andy Cohen, 90 percent of all questions about Top Chef: Texas had to do with Beverly and the trio of sweaty, foul-mouthed meanies who bullied her throughout the competition. But honestly, after a whole season in which the food took a backseat to all the undercooked drama in the kitchen, I was glad that most of the reunion focused on other topics — like Ty-lör and his furry bottom (click this borderline-NSFW link at your own risk). Oh my God. Seriously, why were we subjected to that? He’s a good-looking guy, but in that photo he looks like an unholy union between Bluto and the Coppertone girl. That wasn’t the most disturbing moment of the night, though: We also learned that Sarah has “teary orgasms.” Thanks, Bravo. I can’t un-know that. I need a nice sorbet to cleanse that from my brain-palate.
The fun montages about Grayson’s explicit one-liners and Gail’s evil alter ego came later. But first, Andy, who’s used to goading raging housewives, started the reunion off with a steamy nugget of drama. One of the production assistants apparently heard Sarah telling one of the judges to “f— off” after Paul was named the winner of the season. If Sarah won a bit of my sympathy after the finale last week, she sort of lost it again right here. NOT for telling a judge to “f— off,” but for playing the victim once again. Sarah didn’t “believe” that she said that, but she clearly did. She went on to say “I think it’s really s—-y that it’s being brought up now” and to apologize to Emeril — apparently the recipient of the wayward F-bomb — all the while crying and acting like some kind of martyr. You know, everyone brings up the fact that Beverly cries a lot, but Sarah dishes it but really can’t take it. Imagine how Sarah would take it if three awful people harped on everything she said or did all season. She needs to own up to the fact that she turns into a bit of a monster when things don’t go her way in the kitchen. The other judges clearly knew she said it.
Clearly, Beverly has a forgiving soul for not flying across the room to strangle Heather, the most vile human being ever to break an egg in the Top Chef kitchen. As should surprise absolutely nobody, Heather refused to give Beverly a much-deserved apology. Heather really is a piece of work. She went as far as to say, “Everything I’ve ever said is very truthful.” Wow, someone needs a big dose of humility. Even though I would have liked Andy to put Heather on blast for the racist undertones to her behavior toward Beverly, I’m just glad not to see her face or hear her insufferable voice on TV ever again. I think Andy realized Heather is a lost cause. Good riddance.
Other notable moments: the Mediocre Chef trailer, which actually kind of rang true this season; Chris Jones’ non-top-knotted hair (he resembled Amy Farrah Fowler a bit); Grayson’s fondness for vulgarity (the “sex in the mouth” quote was apparently one of the tamer things she said); and the high price tag on Hugh’s Hughnibrow. He promised to tweeze those bristles if viewers donate $100,000 to his charity. Phew, good luck on that one. I don’t think people care that much about Hugh’s grooming needs, but kudos for trying to raise money for a good cause.
Do you know who worked very hard to raise money for a not-so-good cause? Douche-y Chris Crary. If you saw Watch What Happens (SPOILER if you haven’t), he was voted Fan Favorite after a shameless and relentless online campaign to garner votes. I liked that Andy gave him some grief for it and wasn’t excited for him at all. I feel like the whole campaign was more evidence of “Malibu” Chris’ vanity than his likeability. It’s safe to say he’s the worst Fan Favorite ever — he’s no Carla or Fabio. Grayson would have been a much more deserving winner.
Anyway, here are my hopes for next season:
- Less Top Caterer, more Top Chef! Those all-night barbecues and banquet-type dinners for hundreds of people inspired boring food and made for cranky, uninspired cheftestants.
- Come up with challenges that encourage creative, visually interesting food. The Charlize Theron/Evil Queen episode was brilliant — there’s no reason the challenges can’t be that fun all the time.
- Bring back the blindfolded palate-testing Quickfire!
- Maybe at this point in the series, Top Chef should make like America’s Next Top Model and Project Runway and stick to one location as home base. Traveling the country has been awesome, but sticking to New York would ensure a consistent panel of judges and spare us from themed challenges.
- Less drama! Top Chef villains are often entertaining — Hung, Stefan, Tiffani F., Marcel — but the baddies this season were just plain disgusting. I don’t think I can handle another Heather.
Did Sarah and Heather answer all your questions? Is Chris Crary a worthy Fan Favorite? What are your hopes for next season?