Amy Adams doesn’t have the market cornered on Leap Day proposals — or self-embarrassment, for that matter. In my quest to make the most of the extra time the calendar elves have given me this year (suck it, Tracy Jordan and your $50,000 gift certificate to Benihana!), I’m looking to that great source of lore and historical accuracy: Wikipedia.
According to the site’s Leap Day page, not only do I have the right to propose to a man today, but if he says no, he has to buy me a dress or a dozen pairs of gloves — or hand over cold, hard cash. As we know, nothing heals the pain of rejection like material goods! Either way, I have only to gain from prostrating myself on the Internet. Game on, gentlemen! Below, I run down my prospects.
I’m a by-the-book kind of girl (with a touch of Irish running in my blood), and I’m pretty sure this gambit will only work if I approach an actual Irishman. Oh (Danny) boy are there are lot of choices! Between bright-eyed hotties like Cillian Murphy, Colin Farrell, and Jason O’Mara to older sex bombs like Pierce Brosnan, Gabriel Byrne, Kenneth Branagh, and Peter O’Toole, it’s a veritable pot o’ gold. And that’s without mentioning artsy types like Bono and Brían F. O’Byrne, plus the surprisingly half-Irish John Stamos.
Alas, many of the above members of my would-be mantourage are married. I’ve narrowed down the field to six promising singletons. Without further ado, I present my Leap Day prospects…
Dustin the Turkey
Pros: I know he hasn’t jumped the pond yet, but apparently the frisky fowl is a very popular TV presenter in Ireland. Our nuptials would be the event of the global puppet community, which would almost certainly guarantee Muppet attendance (not to mention those scrappers from Avenue Q). Plus, who could say no to this face?
Cons: Is interspecies puppet marriage legal yet? Would Miss Piggy upstage me on my big day? Is Dustin only marrying me for a green card?
Pros: Last year was all about Fassy. Sure, he may have been snubbed at the Oscars, but with Prometheus, another collaboration with Steve McQueen (not to mention Brad Pitt and Chiwetel Ejiofor), and likely another X-Men film coming down the pipeline, he’s not going anywhere any time soon.
Cons: Sometimes has to be carried out of parties. May be a shark.
Pros: He broke out last year in Bridesmaids and is set to charm us again this year in Friends With Kids and Judd Apatow’s Knocked Up sequel, This Is 40. I do enjoy a man who can make me laugh, and he looks good in a uniform.
Cons: He’s already engaged.
Pros: The Glee Project co-winner will be performing on Glee at least until the end of the year. We’ve actually met, and I can attest that his dreamy crooning is even better in person. We could enlist fellow Irish singers Sinéad O’Connor, Enya, and Lisa Hannigan to perform at the wedding as the Trioblóid Tuinne (that’s Trouble Tones in Gaelic).
Cons: I’m no cougar, and McGinty is only 19 years old. I might never understand a word he’s saying.
Pros: As anyone who has ever watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy knows, the Snow Patrol singer is an expert at producing soaring tunes like “Chasing Cars” and “Run.” He’s in touch with his sensitive side, for sure — and tall! Lightbody is 6’4″, and as his Irish-American cousin Conan O’Brien has shown, a little gawkiness can be adorable.
Cons: Would he be too in touch with his feelings? Then, if things went south, I might run the risk of getting Adele’d. I’m not sure I’m mentally prepared to be the subject of a sweeping rock anthem about how much I suck.
Pros: Mr. Bates, Coyle’s honorable and handsome Downton Abbey character, brings the swoon to PBS viewers. With his strong, silent portrayal of the valet, the actor has proven himself to be one hot piece — Masterpiece, that is. If I’m going to rock a May-September romance, Coyle is my man.
Cons: I might have to throw down with EW’s Jessica Shaw, and Shaw plays dirty.
The winner: Michael Fassbender!
Leap Day only happens once every four years, so it’s time to go big or go to the gaf. And, as George Clooney and Shame have made abundantly clear, Fassy goes big… uh… really big.
So, Fassy, what do you say? If your answer is yes, I will immediately ask Saoirse Ronan and Evanna “Luna Lovegood” Lynch to be our flower girls. If it’s no, please send the gloves to Lanford Beard c/o Entertainment Weekly.
What do you think, PopWatchers? On which celebrity (Irish or otherwise) would you use your Leap Day proposal pass?