Rob Lowe’s Midwestern accent seemed hit-or-miss, but the affable actor proved last night that he can well handle the role of grinning scum bucket. I watched his Lifetime original movie Drew Peterson: Untouchable. Why? There’s no good answer to this, really, other than the fact that never before has there been such a perfect storm of Lifetime main ingredients. Rob Lowe had a salt-and-pepper brush hair cut and a choppy mustache and in the first few minutes he sneered “Big Daddy’s got it going on” while en flagrante. To embody the Illinois policeman accused of murdering his third wife, and who many still believe killed his fourth, Lowe turned on ooze Parks and Recreation fans might not have thought he had in him. In The Descendants, George Clooney made a paunchy Hawaiian shirt look tender and vulnerable. Here Lowe wielded it as a weapon. Can he star in every Lifetime man-wrongs-woman movie from here on out?
But perhaps even better than the movie itself were the previews for upcoming Lifetime “events” that appeared in between diet-food commercials. I’m not sure which one intrigued and perplexed me more—Jennifer Love Hewitt’s new series The Client List or the new season of Army Wives. Somehow I’d never heard of The Client List, though apparently it’s based on Hewitt’s 2010 movie, and even after watching a tease I can’t really tell you what Lifetime has in store for us. All I really gathered is that her character most likely isn’t wearing anything beneath her trench coat, she’s holding a coiled-up towel like a whip, and she prefers to be lit only by candlelight. (I Googled the show and, duh, it turns out she’s playing a single mother down on her luck who runs a prostitution ring out of a day spa. Lifetime jackpot!)
And there’s the Army Wives promo, which seemed like a hammy rip of Desperate Housewives. At first I wasn’t sure if I was watching a Venus razor commercial. Barefoot women in shimmery sheaths assemble on Main Street. In the background a lady croons “Riders on the Storm” while storm clouds swirl ominously overhead. “This March,” a voice warns, “one wife won’t weather the storm.” I know I should use my spare time to see what all the fuss over Downton Abbey is about but I fear the draw of Lifetime melodrama will be too strong to resist.
PopWatchers, did anybody else enjoy a similarly sad/awesome Saturday night? Was Rob Lowe engineered in a lab to anchor a Lifetime Saturday night movie? Are there experiments that prove your serotonin levels droop about 35 minutes into any Lifetime movie? Do your prefer your Lowe affable or arrogant and murderous? One has to admire the niche Jennifer Love Hewitt has doggedly carved out for herself in Hollywood, no?