'Kourtney and Kim Take New York' season premiere: Kris leaves immediately

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Image Credit: Timothy White/E! Entertainment

Most successful reality shows gradually evolve into scripted soap operas. Kourtney and Kim Take New York, however, is going in a slightly different direction: It’s becoming a serialized thriller. Don’t believe me? Bust this: The episode actually began with a flashforward, just like in Lost and Dollhouse and that one show about flashforwarding where everyone on earth flashed forward and then spent the whole season talking about their flashforwards. (I think it was called The Event.) At the start of the season premiere, we saw a quick-cut media montage. Everyone was shocked that Kim Kardashian had ended her marriage to Kris Humphries after just five seconds. How could their relationship have turned sour so quickly? After all, they seemed like the perfect couple: She, a beautiful talking wooden puppet who wanted to be a real girl; He, a giant monster apparently created by a mad scientist in a laboratory using stolen cadavers. What could have gone wrong?

A title flashed onscreen: “Eight Weeks Earlier.” And then we learned just how things went horribly, horribly, horribly wrong. Immediately after getting married, Kim and Kris moved into a two-story apartment in Manhattan’s Gansevoort Park Hotel. They had never lived together before getting married. Learning to co-habitate is a difficult adjustment for any relationship, but it was made even more difficult by the curious living arrangements. Kim and Kris were going to live with Kim’s sister Kourtney, Kourtney’s boyfriend Scott, and their child Mason. Mason marked his territory by pooping in his diaper. In hindsight, that was one of the most erudite moments in the episode.

The problems began when Kourtney took Kim to a health spa, and one of the spa professionals asked Kim, “Would you like to get an enema?” And then, fellow viewers, we were gifted the deathless vision of Kourtney Kardashian getting an oil enema. Now, I don’t want to come off like I’m passing judgment on the ridiculous health practices of insane rich people. But the payoff to this subplot — which, you’ll notice, was the second event in five minutes to prominently feature a Kardashian butt — was immediate and shocking. Kourtney was lazing around on Kris & Kim’s bed. Kris was so disturbed by the notion of an oil enema that he genially farted in Kourtney’s face. Kourtney: “Ew, you guys, I just leaked on your bed!” This was on television.

Kris laughed. Kim laughed. They hugged. Then Kris accidentally stepped on Kim’s toe. “My whole toe just ripped in half!” she exclaimed, punching him. (It was just like that poignant scene in Frankenstein when the monster is having so much fun with the girl that he drowns her.) Soon afterwards, Kris and Scott had a real bonding moment when Kris shaved Scott’s armpits. Apropos of nothing, Scott exclaimed: “I haven’t shaved my pubes in ten years!” Yes sir, this season of Kourtney and Kim Do America is just full of fascinating revelations!

That night, everyone went to a big “Welcome to New York” party. Kris didn’t want to stay for very long. He was very focused on his training. He was worried that a glamorous lifestyle would negatively impact his basketball career, which I am pretty sure has never been a concern for any professional basketball player ever ever. He was also, understandably, getting a bit freaked out about living in close proximity to the Kourtney/Scott tornado.

The other toxic Kardashian couple got into a fight almost immediately. Scott wanted to stay at the party. Kourtney wanted to go home to take care of their son. Scott didn’t want Kourtney to take his limousine home. So he told the mother of his child to walk home. The next morning they had an argument, and Scott left. This might sound sad, but Kourtney was wearing leopard-print pajamas, and Scott was wearing a neon-orange hoodie in bed, so it was actually kind of funny. Scott literally said, “Screw you guys, I’m going home!” and then left the Gansevoort. His hair was perfect.

NEXT PAGE: What’s so strange about naked yoga? Remember in Street Fighter, when mastering yoga let you breathe fire? That was strange.

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