Ashton Kutcher's character to be suicidal on 'Two and a Half Men' -- funny!

Ashton-Kutcher-Letterman

Image Credit: Jeffrey R. Staab/CBS

Ashton Kutcher dropped by Late Show with David Letterman Wednesday night (clip embedded below) and did his best not to reveal anything about his Two and a Half Men character, Walden Schmidt, a billionaire Internet entrepreneur going through a nasty divorce who ends up moving in with Alan (Jon Cryer) and Jake (Angus T. Jones). But David Letterman wouldn’t let him off the hook. He badgered him to reveal how Charlie Sheen’s character dies, and when Kutcher finally pleaded the fifth saying he didn’t know because he wasn’t in the scene, Letterman called bull. I hate it when actors try to use that line, too. Even if the scene is so secretive it’s not in everyone’s script, that’s something you hear about — especially when it’s a character you’re replacing and you’re a movie star coming back to sitcoms and need to know the show is funny.

Of course that’s a spoiler Kutcher shouldn’t reveal, but then come prepared with jokes to deflect from the fact that you’re not saying anything real. Letterman’s face after Kutcher responded with a vague, “I show up when Jon Cryer’s character needs me the most” when asked to describe how Walden enters the picture was classic. “Here’s my fear, next week you’ll go on Leno and spill your guts,” Dave said. Guilt does sometimes work: “I’m very heartbroken over this breakup that’s taken place….I may, in some way, shape, or form, be tryin’ to kill myself,” he finally coughed up. “I’m no genius, but what better way to kick off a new season of a sitcom than with a suicide,” Letterman cracked. “You already killed Charlie. You got a murder-suicide.” 

Letterman had a few other tough questions for Kutcher:

Dave, on Ashton’s self-described Jesus look: “They want you to look like that on the TV show?”
Ashton: “Yeah, believe it or not they requested this.”

Dave, on Ashton joining TV’s top-rated sitcom in season 9: “How do you come in? Because this is like jumpin’ off a truck running.”
Ashton: “No, that was Charlie’s character.” (There you go, Ashton!)

Dave: “Do you mind a couple of theoretical questions? Do you prefer strippers or porn stars?”
Ashton: (After long pause) “I have a foundation that fights human trafficking and neither of those qualifies as human trafficking… The live thing is nice. There’s nothing wrong with a live show. Who doesn’t love a live show?”

Dave: “By the way, that Chuck Lorre, what’s he like? Is he nuts?”
Ashton: (Gives some boring answer about how he’s perfectly sane and giving.)
Dave: “‘Cause through this all, you know, I’m always with labor. I don’t care anything about management. I’m always with labor. I’m a labor guy. I’m a blue-collar guy. So to me, Chuck Lorre is a commie pig.”
Ashton: (Puts back on the helmet he wore when he walked out in protective gear labeled “Not Dave” in light of the jihadist threat against Letterman)

Dave, about the cause of Charlie’s public meltdown: “You have been in show business quite awhile. You know your way around. What do you think happened? What piece of the puzzle fell out of the package there?”
Ashton: (Gives another boring answer about how he doesn’t know, but what he found fascinating was all the random pundits diagnosing a guy who got in an argument.)

Dave: “Who’s the half kid? What’s he do?”
Ashton: (Sounds humble saying maybe he’s the half, because Angus’ dry delivery is awesome.)

Kutcher also explained that even though there was a time when he was on That ’70s Show when all he wanted to do was films, he never forgot what Kurtwood Smith told him Robin Williams said when he dropped by the set to visit after winning his Oscar for Good Will Hunting: “I only wish I could go back and do a sitcom again.” Going to work everyday and making people laugh is a great job, which is why he thought Charlie Sheen had the perfect one. He told a friend if anyone offered him that job, he’d take it in a heartbeat. Two weeks later, he was fishing with his dad when that friend called him and said he’d heard producers were actually interested in him. The only thing that made him nervous? “I didn’t want to be a troll,” he told Letterman, calling Sheen a “lingual genius.” But since Sheen gave his blessing via Twitter, everything is good. Both Letterman and Kutcher predicted the show will “go through the roof” when it returns Sept. 19.

Read more:
Ashton Kutcher predicts ‘Two and a Half Men’ will ‘go through the roof’ — PHOTO
David Letterman mocks jihadist threat in monologue, Top 10 list
Jon Cryer on Charlie Sheen’s ‘death’ in season opener of ‘Two and a Half Men’: ‘No … explosion’

Comments (66 total) Add your comment
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  • Joline

    Not excited about Ashton replacing Charlie. Think the premier will be big ratings but fall dramatically by mid-season. There’s a reason Kutcher didn’t make it as a movie star – he’s annoying. Put him with Cryer and it’s cringe-worthy 30 minutes.

    • Paige

      Joline, I couldn’t agree more. Nothing is more annoying then someone who thinks they are funny………..Kutcher laughs more at his own jokes more then we do. That’s the problem. This show will tank by mid-season.

      • Lucy

        My pretty friend has just announced her wedding with a great man who is a cele+brity!
        They met-via ~hi’milli’onaire’s -c’ō’м~~
        It is nice club for rich men or pretty girls mate.
        You do not need to be wealthy or famous, but you can meet your true love, it’s worthy a try.

    • mark

      I think you are counting the show dead a little early. They could easily fit the main character to fit someone else as long as they don’t try to use the same character for ashton that charlie was. there’s a successful way they could handle this as long as they change the character traits. Everyone wants charlie back, but having an 8 and a 9 year old, drunk or drugged up people shouldn’t be in the spotlight. they don’t make good role models. id never want charlie to be a role model for my daughters and taking him off screen was the best decision they couldve made,imo

  • cassondra

    Yup I agree. It’s ratings will be big in the beginning only because of Ppls curiosity after that is satisfied ppl will stop watching. This show is dead now. Ashton will not save it. The producers are stupid to think anyone could save it

    • ricky

      The writers and producers of this show are geniuses. Just. You. Watch.

  • Marion

    They should have created a new show for Ashton Kutcher..if he wanted to come back making sitcom why not..but with his own vehicle not a show based on Charlie Sheen’s life..that’s all.
    p.s: by the way good luck Ashton..Chuck Lorre is a jerk..

  • TR

    Okay, kill off the character that made the show the #1 comedy, then replace him with a rich guy who’s suicidal.

    Sounds real funny to a nation fighting a war, recession and high unemployment.
    The key to the show’s success was Charlie’s character was happy and a satire of what guys are supposed to be and want.
    I’m not sure the new guy is going to have that level of escapist fun.

  • Gon

    Ashton Kutcher… funny? — not!

    • jennrae

      And yet you think “not jokes” are funny.

  • Zzzzzzz

    Uh…I believe Charlie Sheen did this to himself. Kutcher has always seemed to be a standup kind of guy, as has Jon Cryer and Angus T. Give them a chance. Dang, it’s a freakin sitcom!!

    • Suzanne

      @Zzzzzzz —
      FINALLY! Thank you, you took the words out of my mouth! I can’t believe the people who say they won’t watch the show, not even the ‘premeires’!
      I think people need to just relax a bit, & give it a chance. They just might be surprised. 

  • lilirose_74

    So they not only kill off Charlie in a brutal death, where they make sure he has no chance of ever coming back, but in turn, gives us a suicidial billionaire for laughs? THANK GOD FOR RERUNS!

    • Monty

      This comment made me sad, because it pretty much says the best thing you have to look forward to is watching re-runs of “Two and a Half Men”.

    • carrie

      I want to write for this show. Just one episode. One where at the end of the season we see Rose taking food down to her basement to a man chained up down there. Think a funny “Misery” sitcom. Rose IS crazy. (And we didn’t see the body, it was cremated) Then if Charlie Sheen gets/stays clean all year he could get his job/character back finale week. Come on Chuck Lorre. Make it happen. You know it would be awesome.

  • Iocaine

    Um, yeah. Because suicide’s so hysterically funny and all. Yuk yuk. Slide whistle.

  • Bug

    Charlie’s relationship with his brother and nephew, ie, he couldn’t kick them out even though that is all he said he wanted to do, and his love/hate relationship with his mother is what made the show funny. I’m not sure how this will work. I will be one of the curious watching in the beginning…how long will everyone including myself stay is another question.

  • c

    Not to take this thread to a serious place, but stripping and porn are such a huge hidden part of the sex trafficking industry, at least as gateways! If Ashton has researched enough to run a foundation then he should know this.

    • rose

      You are correct. Ashton should known that and have said so. But he can’t slam stripping when his wife did a movie showing how it was a great way to support your kid by stripping.

      • TR

        Yep, he doesn’t want to make the missus mad.
        She might ground him and take away his car keys.

      • Lucie

        haha good one, it is true her most successful movie (with Gost) was Streap tease..ahah..

  • Bob

    Hey, Ashton, one man’s roof is another man’s floor!

  • rose

    Ashton wanted to come back to TV to make people laugh everyday. Yeah, sure. Ashton is coming back to TV because his film career tanked. He’s a horrible actor.

  • ^

    Can’t wait for the Ashton Kutcher funeral.

  • caroline

    Did anyone else have a red flag go up when Ashton said that CBS wanted him to look like a hippie/hobo? I was wondering why a guy who’s career is based on his Hollywood looks would be asked to carry a show looking unattractive. I think it would have been too jarring for the American public to accept the trade of Sheen to a pretty-faced younger actor. Since Ashton’s character is supposed to be depressed, I predict that the producers/ plan is to see how the public takes it, and then when they realize Ashton’s “acting” isn’t going to be enough to save the show, they’ll whip out their secret weapon and make Ashton loose all the hair, for a little shock value and sex appeal to boost ratings. Just a thought. I just hate the way he looks now and was surprised he was asked to look that way.

    • Paul Johnson

      I agree with Caroline. They need to figure out a way to use Ashton’s sex appeal (like the early days of Sheen on the program) to build the audience without freaking out the family viewers.

  • Lamar Kardashian

    He really should take some acting lessons. He could barter his twitter skills with a real actor

    • jennrae

      Oh god, Ashton and Demi twitter each other while they are in the same room together. They are so gross.

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