Looks like the Candy Land movie is jumping ahead a few green spaces: Universal confirms with EW that Kung Fu Panda writers Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Berger are set to write the adaptation of the popular board game, while Kevin Lima (Enchanted) is attached to direct the film. It’s tasty news for those of us who are not allergic to the idea of a board game on the big screen — though I understand a Candy Land film mostly gives studios the opportunity to profit off of merchandise in Target’s game aisle or at your local theater’s snack bar, I can’t resist the draw of a project that aims to present all of the game’s sugary, nostalgic images in a fantastical, color-laced feature. It will be just like Katy Perry’s “California Gurls,” except with fewer whipped cream boob guns! But now that we know the project is skipping along, let’s get to the important stuff: Let’s cast Candy Land, The Movie!
As a child of the 1980s, I’m going to use the 30-year-old version of the game as a reference, because, even though I understand that the creatures from it were totally irrelevant and as vague and questionable as McDonald’s Grimace, I cannot fathom a Candy Land without Jolly or Plumpy. (Mamma Ginger Tree? Ugh, stop trying. You don’t even have a mustache!) So here goes, in order in which they appear in the board game:
Plumpy: If I was just casting based on the mustache alone, I’d go Tom Selleck. But let’s face it: The man oozes far too much sex to be peddling plums to children. (Dear god, I hope that’s not a euphemism.) For this, I’m going to go with the family-friendly option of John Goodman.
Lord Licorice: Here’s hoping we can watch Daniel Day-Lewis method act his way into this possibly (probably) evil dark lord. Lord Licorice is always after your milkshake. But can you blame him? He’s made of licorice. Ew.
Princess Lolly: Gawd, Princess Lolly. Looking at her, you know she just had a Super Sweet 16 party. So not fair. I’d like to go Kristin Cavallari circa 2004, but it’s not 2004. Let’s do AnnaLynne McCord. She’s a whole year younger!
Queen Frostine: I will somehow get over the jealousy of whoever bags the Queen Frostine role, which I pretty much thought was guaranteed to me when I was six years old rifling through my costume box. In fact, I hoped I would one day grow up to become Queen Frostine. (I am now told by a friend that she resembles a hooker. I had big dreams, folks. Big dreams!) But for this ethereal creature, let’s go Amanda Seyfried. She has the eyes.
King Kandy: For King Kandy, otherwise known as the subject of the “winning space,” you need someone warm, welcoming, and jolly. I’d say Robin Williams, but if I were The Kids, I wouldn’t want to spend dessert with hopped-up Mork. (Can’t get a word in edgewise!) Instead, I’m going to go with Zach Galifianakis, because you can’t live in a castle made of candy unless you’re a little bit unhinged.
Your turn, PopWatchers! Who should be cast in the delicious Candy Land adaptation?