Charlie Sheen is an incredibly wealthy narcissist with a rapacious sexual appetite and a gift for saying incredibly memorable things that actually mean nothing at all. In short, he is the very model of the modern American politician. Which explains why, in a study undertaken by Public Policy Polling, independent voters say that they would support Charlie Sheen for President over ex-Governor Sarah Palin by a margin of 41 to 36. Sheen also tests well as everyone’s favorite anti-candidate, with Republicans favoring him 37-28 over President Obama and Democrats giving him a 44-24 edge over Palin. (So basically, the American political system has failed. Or maybe we just live in the most sarcastic nation in the world.) It’s a good bet that Sheen’s candidacy won’t make it past the Iowa caucus, but since there are currently no other candidates from the Tiger Blood party, let’s run down a list of ten reasons why Sheen could actually do a good job as president. (Hey, he can’t be worse than Herbert Hoover…or can he? No.)
1. Proud poly-amourous lifestyle sets a good example, leading fellow politicians to come clean about their mistresses and misters.
2. He’s a staunch supporter of the working man.
4. He has a keen understanding of Wall Street.
5. His pro-Martian stance means that NASA could finally get a much-needed injection of funding.
6. He’s the son of a president, and seriously, when has that ever worked out badly? Oh, take your John Quincy Adams and stuff it.
8. He wouldn’t be the first president with a history of drug abuse. Who can forget Grover Cleveland’s Oval Office opium parties?
9. If Sheen runs for president, the Equal-Time rule will be in effect, meaning that all reruns of Two and a Half Men will be pulled from the airwaves for over a year. Hurray! (Either that, or all networks rerunning Two and a Half Men will have to present an equal number of episodes of the current president’s little-remembered ’90s comedy workplace sitcom: Obama? Oh, Drama!)
10. Listen, we all know that Vice President Estevez will be the real power behind the throne, anyways.
PopWatchers, would you really prefer Charlie Sheen to your party’s opposition candidate? Are you just saying that because it’s Friday Friday Friday?