Kathy Griffin really deserves a Tony: Check out her 'Playbill' bio

Kathy-Griffin

Image Credit: Playbill, Inc.

Kathy Griffin’s limited-run Broadway solo act Kathy Griffin Wants a Tony is hilarious. Not only that, she produced a fantastic fake bio for Playbill. Here it is, in its entirety:

KATHY GRIFFIN (Kathy Griffin) is thrilled to be performing at the storied and absolutely haunted Belasco Theater, where she has already told legendary stage impresario David Belasco’s ghost, in no uncertain terms, to “Suck it.” Ms. Griffin is especially excited to be reprising the role of Kathy Griffin after spending four years as Kathie Lee Gifford in a touring company of Ms. Gifford’s one-woman musical jamboree, Jesus Is My Homeboy. Born in Madagascar, raised in Rangoon (that’s for you, Streisand-obsessed gays), Ms. Griffin made her stage debut at the age of 9 in a Griffin family kitchen production of Boys in the Band, where Ms. Griffin played seven gay men simultaneously. Can you say foreshadowing?

Broadway: Speed-the-Plow (with Jeremy Piven, sushi-taster no. 4); Macbeth (Macbeth’s wisecracking red-headed sidekick); Les Miserables (Jean Valjean’s funny flame-haired henchwoman); The Iceman Cometh (Iceman’s sharp-tongued best friend); Neil LaBute’s I Hate You But I Won’t Say It Till It Can Do The Most Damage (dead whore); Cats (Fierce-y Tattletail MacHairBall); Sweeney Todd (Pie Eater No. 3); Chicago (Mrs. Cellophane); Your Arms Too Short to Box With God: A Soaring Celebration in Song and Dance (God’s fight promoter); Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark (head stuntwoman, fired).

Off-Broadway: Mark Twain Tonight! (understudy); Stamp (the sister production to Stomp, but about stamp collecting); How Do I Get To Broadway?

Off-Off-Broadway: Live! Live! Girls! Girls! Sex! Sex! (still running)

Television: the double-Emmy-winning Kathy Griffin My Life on the D-List (series regular); Law & Order: SVU (no, really, this isn’t a Playbill joke, I’m like a real New York actor!); Glee (another Emmy please); Suddenly Susan (not Brooke Shields); Seinfeld (not Julia Louis-Dreyfus); Curb Your Enthusiasm (not Larry David); CNN New Year’s Eve with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin (Gloria Vanderbilt’s best friend); more stand-up comedy specials than any other comedian EVER, including four in 2011 alone; ER; The X-Files; The Simpsons; Ugly Betty; Defenders; American Dad. Ms. Griffin has also hosted countless awards shows. Look, just type “comedy legend” into your search engine and her picture will come up, probably sixth or seventh.

Talk show bannings: Oprah, The View, Live with Regis & Kelly, Ellen, Maury Povich Baby Daddy Specials, The 700 Club, NewsHour with Jim Lehrer

Celebrity Feuds: Oprah, Ryan Seacrest, Bill O’Reilly, any and all Palins, and Angela Lansbury (she knows what she did)

Film: Pulp Fiction; Four Rooms; It’s Pat; Gandhi (Gandhi’s wacky girlfriend); Saving Private Ryan; Cold Mountain; Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon; Can’t Stop the Music; Can’t Stop the Music 2: Turn It Up; Can’t Stop the Music 3: Okay, Now That’s Just Too Loud; The Remains of The Day; Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Mad White Woman; Black Swan; The King’s Speech; The Social Network.

Awards: Ms. Griffin has received two Emmy awards, having been nominated seven times. She has also received three Grammy nominations, the GLAAD Vanguard award, the Trevor Project’s Lifetime Honoree award, the Human Rights Campaign’s Ally for Equality award, a 2007 GAYVN award (aka gay porn), the key to Louisville, and the 2011 Tony Award (fingers crossed!)

Ms. Griffin is also the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin. She lives in Los Angeles, but loves New York, and would like to thank her dogs PomPom Griffin and Larry Griffin-Arquette, as well as her loving fiance Kelsey Grammer. However, Ms. Griffin’s most cherished production is that of her four children: Apple, Moses, Willow and Jaden. Without their strength and love and support, she would not be able to continue to tell dick jokes for the best audience in the world (that’s you, people!). She would also like to thank God, and remind everyone how closely she follows Biblical scripture: “Behold I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces.” (Malachi 2:3)

Read more:
Kathy Griffin as a Sarah Palin conservative on ‘Glee’

Comments (31 total) Add your comment
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  • Gigi

    Brilliant.

    • AK

      Now how is she going to get her Oscar?

    • Nancy

      why so political though?

  • Stephanie

    I love her so much it should be illegal.

    • tracy bluth

      SAME!!

    • hoganbcmj

      SAME too!

  • Rock Golf

    This is an excerpt? What the hell could be left?

    • tina

      i do believe it says … here it is in its entirety…

  • Melanie

    If you google image search “comedy legend,” she’s actually in the first picture. However, that could be because she’s with Joan Rivers in the picture.

    • James

      Lol, looks like her strategy of shamelessly posing for photos with better celebrities paid off!

  • orville

    Do they give awards for Playbill content and design? If not, they should create one just for this.

  • TorontoTom

    She should be hosting the Tonys this year – and winning one! Love her.

  • Joe

    hysterical!

  • bpp

    Crackin me up!

  • Oprah

    Love you Kathy!! No feuds here girl….come on my show!!

  • Jane

    OMG – I needed that. Hilarious to the end!

  • Wow

    Someone help me out here. I get the title of the show is a joke (probably not though), but in actuality, wouldn’t this fall under “Best Theatrical Event” category. They retired that award a year or two ago. I remember last year there was a little rumbling about Carrie Fisher deserving a Tony for her show but was ineligible. How would she win a Tony for this?

  • Jay

    This is some funny stuff.

  • Shirley

    Don’t know about an emmy or any other award but I know lots of people that would just love to give her the dead fish award!

  • Tash

    Oh, Mrs. Kathy, I do love you!

  • Ryan

    Like her or not – and I’m aware plenty of people are on the not side – this is funny stuff. A celebrity who doesn’t take herself too seriously and openly begs and panders for what she desires… it’s strangely refreshing.

    • stephen

      “strangely refreshing” — so true! she is needed in these times where we tend to take ourselves to seriously.

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