Just for kicks, Ricky Gervais pens an Oscars monologue for Anne Hathaway and James Franco

Gervais-at-Golden-GlobesImage Credit: Paul Drinkwater/NBCHey, remember how Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes a couple times? Well, that makes him something of an awards show expert — even if his latest outing wasn’t exactly well-received by everyone. The Office creator flexed his dormant hosting muscle on his blog this week, where he posted a monologue that Academy Awards hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway can feel free to use “in case they have a few minutes to fill.” The fake opener is predictably colorful. Here’s an excerpt:

You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds “way out” but wait till half way through this f—ing ceremony and you’ll start to identify with him.

And I’m the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.

It’s a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we’re not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.

Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!

No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.

Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of The Office.

… And so on. Most of Gervais’s proposed jokes, in fact, target Gervais himself. Though they’re fairly funny, they also kind of make you want to roll your eyes. Everyone else is over what happened at the Globes, Ricky; by now, you should be too. There’s no need to play the martyr.

What do you think, PopWatchers — would you like to see Hathaway and Franco break out some Gervais-penned jokes on their big night?

Read more:
Ricky Gervais kinda, sorta apologizes about the Golden Globes: ‘I hope no one was truly offended’
Ricky Gervais says he will not return as Golden Globes host
Did Ricky Gervais go too far at the Golden Globes?
James Franco and Anne Hathaway reenact the carnival scene from ‘Grease’
Producer talks Oscar opening, writer talks plan for presenters Helen Mirren and Russell Brand
Dave Karger’s picks for who will (and who SHOULD) win
EW’s Oscars Central

Comments (43 total) Add your comment
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  • Taryn

    Haha! YES! That would be hilarious. But it will never happen. Go Ricky!

    • harry

      Go Ricky!

      • kid handsome

        I loved the digs at Anne Hathaway – overrated actress, and Rachael Getting Married was awful

      • people’s minds

        wow did he really think those jokes were funny?

    • Jen

      Sorry Hillary, you can’t complain that someone isn’t ‘over’ something when you’re quoting something from their own blog. It’s not like he rang up the EW offices with this.

      • billy

        agree. zip it hilary. he is funny. its show biz. thick skin or go home.

      • Dana

        Thirded. I like the bit he included about starving children “living off dead beetles.” And Yoko Ono said, What’s wrong with that? Tee Hee. Go Ricky.

      • Abby

        I know, right? She’s taken a lesson from the trolls on ew.com that post how noone pays attention to the subject of the article they’re posting on. Methinks she’s a Ricky Gervais mega-fan and wishes he would host all rewards shows.

  • stephenKC

    “Everyone else is over what happened at the Globes, Ricky; by now, you should be too.” I have no idea what you mean by that. If you mean, “Hey Ricky, thanks for the most entertaining host job EVER, and for making that fake awards show watchable,” then I wholeheartedly agree with you.

    • jack

      Yeah you seem to be siding with the critics while every viewer I spoke to loved Ricky. Plus, I know everyone else is ‘over it’ but don’t you think Ricky of all people wouldn’t be considering you know, all the fuss and debate was about HIM ?

    • Janer

      Completely agree with this! Best thing to happen to an award show in ages!

  • thediane

    That would be great! Everyone’s still thinking about it and I bet you there will be some reference made – personally, I’m ‘avin’ a laugh..!

    • Tracey

      “Is he ‘avin’ a laugh?”

  • Mr E

    To be fair I suspect Ricky penned this is retaliation to Bruce Villanch slating him in an interview with the AV Club the day before. Clearly not everyone is over the Globes. (Plus, how the hell does Bruce Villanch have the right to judge the humour of others?! His Oscar ‘jokes’ are astoundingly bad.)

    • Dan

      BV should just focus on what he knows best. Easting

  • harry

    Bloody Epic!!!

  • Yo Yo

    Man, you offend Xenu and look what happens.

    • Wottadoosh

      He is so Thetans behind.

  • Wouldloveit

    I like Ricky’s writeup, but I agree that we will never see Franco/Hathaway use it. Hopefully their chemistry throughout the show is as good as it is on the outtakes and commercials. It at least seems like they are having a good time (which is clearly half the battle – the other being the 3 1/2 hours it will take for the show to wrap up!).

  • Jane

    This is bloody brilliant! I am laughing out loud. Well done Ricky, well done.

  • Erin

    I love Ricky Gervais.

    That was hilarious!

  • Matt

    This is hilarious and spot on. I love how many people go to this event that have nothing to do with it, other than the fact they have something to promote.

  • whatevs

    That would be great, but a couple of young actors would never want to ruffle anyone’s feathers. They have to be liked by everyone, you know?

    It takes cajones to be the kind of comic Ricky is.

  • Roger

    Ricky Gervais is one of the three funniest men of all time. The other two are Peter Sellers and Jackie Gleason.

  • jt

    Jackie Gleason is considered one of the funniest men of all time ? ! I don’t know about that .

    • Garry

      Yes, Gleason is one of them. He’s certainl the greatest sketch comedian of all time. Disagree and you prove your ignorance.

      • jt

        Garry, I am entitled to my opinion. I question your ignorance ! I would never place Jackie Gleason as a master of comedic brilliance. Yes to : Bill Murray, Gervais, Sellers, Steve Martin, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Alec Baldwin, Mel Brooks.

      • Mr E

        I love Baldwin, but I’d never put him in the same company as Martin, Pryor etc. All the others you mentioned are professional comedians/comedic actors, Baldwin is a serious actor who happens to kill when asked to do comedy.

      • billy

        jt, you missed the master of all — Andy Kaufman. he operated on levels never before contemplated, and which none have yet equalled.

      • Garry

        Gleason and Sid Caesar were the best SKETCH comedians ever. Not every good comedian is a good sketch comedian. The rest of your list is good–many more could be included–except for Eddie Murphy and Bill Murray. They just read cue cards on SNL.

  • sp

    I agree this will never happen because the Oscars can never be controversial.

    kid handsome, I loved Anne Hathaway in Rachel Getting Married, and she deserved her Oscar nomination.

    P.S. Getting digs from Ricky Gervais is a complement. It is similar to Eminem’s digs to celebrities in his rap songs.

  • penny

    I don’t see the digs towards Anne Hathaway or James Franco. The digs are mainly towards Ricky Gervais. Yes, I do believe Ricky needs to move forward , and stop focusing on the past.

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