'The Real Housewives of Miami' premiere: Party in the city where the heat is on!

housewives-of-miamiImage Credit: Glenn Watson/BravoHere’s what I learned about Will Smith’s favorite city from The Real Housewives of Miami, the latest iteration of Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise: It is not New York. It is not L.A. It’s a great place to find women with big, floppy hats, ridiculously long, flat-ironed hair, and sexy accents. Its largest PR firm employs a staggering 12 people. And some people refer to it as The Magic City. (Okay, fine, I actually learned that last fact on Wikipedia.)

I still don’t know, however, if Miami has what it takes to host a decent edition of Housewives. That’s mostly because this premiere episode was high on exposition and low on drama. To be fair, that’s par for the course when it comes to pilots; the series has plenty of time to prove that it’s more of an Atlanta than a D.C. And while I was occasionally bored during tonight’s proceedings, there were few things that, as the Fresh Prince once said, brought the heat for real — which is enough to keep me interested for at least a few more episodes. (Warning: If you’re not a fan of the seminal rap hit “Miami,” then prepare yourself, because I plan to reference it early and often.)

Let’s talk about the ladies in the order in which we met them. Lea Black, wife of lawyer Roy Black, likes “collecting” people (like Natalie Cole, Rick Ross, and, er, Dennis Rodman) and commissioned an oil painting of her son that’s displayed above her pool. I liked this because it reminded me of the portrait of Scarlett O’Hara that hung in the belle’s own mansion. Lea appears to be the oldest of the ladies, and she also seems like the self-appointed den mother of the group. Was anyone else getting a tiny bit of a Jill Zarin vibe from her?

Larsa Pippen is married to a certain former Chicago Bull, with whom she has four adorable children. On a shopping trip, she tells her companions that she’s looking for something “that’s hot, but yet cute, you know what I mean?” Oh, Larsa, we do indeed know what you mean! One tip, though: That thing you held up in Curves is meant neither for the bedroom nor for dinner. It’s meant for the incinerator.

Adriana De Moura is a Brazilian art dealer-slash-wild child who tells us during the credit sequence that while she speaks five languages, she “can get a man with no words.” We believe it. She’s divorced but engaged to a stud named Frederic who has a boat called “The Mojo,” proving once again that the designation “housewife” means next to nothing on these shows. Adriana sort of makes waves when she struts down a runway during Miami Fashion Week (an event that appears dedicated to showing off ugly lamé bathing suits). All in all, I expect great things from Adriana this season — not least because she once discovered that her husband was common-law married to a 17-year-old escort girl. (“A NASCAR girl?” Marysol asks when Adriana confesses this last fact. “NO, ESCORT,” shout the rest of the Housewives. Gold.)

Cristy Rice is a Cuban-American Miami native who was once married to another NBA player, Glen Rice. She’s the type of woman who has her psychic make house calls — i.e. my favorite kind of woman.

Marysol Patton owns the Patton Group, that aforementioned 12-person PR dynamo. She seems fine and all, but what I really love are the people she surrounds herself with. There’s her friend David, who at one point remarks, “Someone’s phone is ringing. It’s like Tito Puente’s in your purse.” Even better is her mother, a Joan Rivers lookalike who says hilarious things in an inscrutable accent. The montage at the end of the show promised that there would be more of Mother Marysol, which in itself is enough to keep me watching.

Finally, there’s blonde Alexia Echevarria, who calls herself “the Cuban Barbie.” But the name isn’t totally accurate: “Barbie is silent because, you know, she’s a doll. But I’m like, alive,” she explains. Alexia has two children: sweet 13-year-old Frankie and 17-year-old Peter, who is extremely cute (is it weird for me to say that?) but is perhaps not the sharpest machete in the armory. At a restaurant, he peruses a menu and then asks his mother what “grass-fed beef” means. Sheesh, Miami really isn’t New York or L.A.!

In retrospect, there was a lot to like about this premiere. What say you, TV maniacs — will RHMIA find a place in your hearts and on your DVR queues? Or does this not seem like the type of town you could spend a few days in?

Comments (69 total) Add your comment
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  • KaraS

    I like to multi-task on my laptop while having the Housewives on, but that’s gonna have to change if I keep watching this version. I can’t understand half of what they’re saying, so I’m going to have to start reading lips or watching for subtitles.

    • toogie

      hhhh i thought the same thing i thought i was on telemundo or something

      • kayebee

        lmao!!!

    • Rita

      LOL!

  • toogie

    i saw parts of this between washing dishes and actually washing dishes was more exciting!! Bring us more of the real housewives from bev hills and atlanta they are the best!!I also liked the DC ones too!

  • Ugly Jenny

    I live in Miami and will absolutely refuse to watch this show. Why would I voluntarily watch spoiled, self-absorbed, petty,and immature women when I already unfortunately come across them in real life?

  • OB

    Alexia wins as hottest housewife without plastic surgery!

    • Brooke

      Anyone else floored by Alexia’s concern with her kid “stuffing his face” while he’s on a cruise with his girlfriend? How ’bout being concerned with an unwanted pregnancy? Having a kid at 17 could definitely curb his modeling career!

  • MattyWillWinSeason23

    I know I wasnt the only one who noticed that Bravo is going after all the demographics now. And wisely so. I say if they wanna up the ante:

    Real Housewives of San Fransisco: Perfect excuse to have lesbian housewives AND Asian housewives, zing

    Real Housewives of Nashville = Country housewives, not southern belles, just country (ya reckon?)

    and if Bravo gets really bored:

    Real Housewives of Chicago: Why Not

    Real Housewives of Dallas or Houston: Kind of like if they made a Nashville one, and blended it with Atlanta.

    I’ll take my check via Paypal Andy Cohen

    • Nikki

      Completely agree! I would watch Nashville…I’m sure they could find some crazies and do a lot better than that ‘Bama Belles crap some other network failed at!

  • Ben

    Um, Marysol’s mom did not look like Joan Rivers. She both looked and sounded like a modern-day Jabba the Hut.

    • York

      zing

    • the other Anne

      Blonk…bloop bloop!

    • cubsfan

      I thought she was a man.

    • Sandy

      ya, what happened to her face, she’s pretty scarry!!

    • J

      Seriously. Her Mom is scary. Like a monster. I am having bad dreams. What the hell happened to her? Did someone pour acid on her face.

  • giob

    BORRRRRINGGGGGGGG!!!
    These women do NOT have the smarts *listen to them* of RHWNY nor the money or connections *obviously* of RHWBH nor the personality and roots of RHWNJ to interest me enough to watch it again.
    CAN IT!

  • adita

    whats up with those lips””Marisol and mother.OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • YELLOW PERIL

    After the glamor and style of BH, MIA just seems dated and boring. BH was a hard show to follow, and I kept wandering away from the TV (even their plastic surgery is subpar). The only reason I tuned in to the premiere was because I heard a rumor that one of the Miami housewives was going to be a drag queen and for the first half I was convinced it was Marysol, but as it turns out, the rumor wasn’t true. Too bad. It was boring.

  • whodoesthatsocietyofamerica

    A boat named Mojo?

  • jalisa

    Marisol’s mother = scary! She sort of reminds me of one of the puppets from puppet master.
    I am not a fan of Lea so far. Super fake. Good gold digger tips though. Next time I am on a jury I will wear my sluttiest clothes and then stalk the defense attorney until he marries me. And then I’ll wear mom jeans and laugh all the way to the bank!

    • Speedymon

      LOL!

    • wendywoo

      Hilarious!

    • Brad Pitt

      hahahaha!!!!!!

    • Jessie

      hahahah spot on!! What was up with those mom jeans??

  • Shelly

    Marisol said she is anti plastic surgery, but…….what is wrong with her lips. They look like a bad plastic surgery job. It’s so distracting. Her and mom went to the same dr. Marisol really didn’t ned those lips. She is not a bad looking woman.

  • Jorgiegirl

    Marysol’s mother is very close to looking like like the Jocelyn Wildenstien, The Cat Lady! If you don’t know who she is, google her. Mother and daughter both look frightening. I think this franchise is going to be boring!

    • wend23

      Oops I posted the same kind of thing after you but totally agree she is the Cat Lady!!!

    • jen

      I thought she WAS the cat lady!! Now there are two of them?? Really?!?!

    • SAJ

      Bingo! I knew she looked familiar. She is hilarious. Should have her own show…much more interesting!

  • lilly01

    Did not like this show..I couldn’t understand anything they said and did not really want to after about 10 min. into it…Sorry they SUCK!!!

  • Bukigrl

    The title of this show should be Real Housewives of “Meh-ami” I love watching the other Real Houswives franchises probably more than I should, but I actually turned this off after the first half hour. It was torture!

    • Carol

      I agreed, but I only lasted 20 minutes. I live in Palm Beach County and if I want to try and figure out what someone is saying, I can just walk out my door!!!

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