Justin Bieber on 'CSI': 20 ways he could die

csi-justin-bieberImage Credit: Sonja Flemming/CBSTeen pop sensation Justin Bieber returns to CSI tonight as Jason McCann, a troubled teenager with fantastic hair. We’re not sure what’s going to happen, but returning baddies don’t have a very good record on CSI. (R.I.P., Paul Millander, the Blue Paint Killer, and Dr. Jekyll.) Since it’s fun to imagine things, let’s dream up some elaborate ways to kill off McCann. After all, Bieber’s a busy boy. He doesn’t have time to guest-star on TV shows. He’s too busy campaigning for health care reform.

20 Ways for Justin Bieber to Die on CSI

1. Falls down an elevator shaft.

2. Kills himself in an explosion, but the body is burnt beyond all recognition. (So there’s room for a return visit, if the whole music thing doesn’t work out.)

3. Is shot while nonchalantly purchasing a pack of cigarettes at the corner store.

4. Eaten to death by sharks.

5. Eaten to death by sharks with lasers.

6. Is crucified by Italian people, but gets resurrected. (Warning: May contain some religious allegory!)

7. Tries to climb Mount Olympus, leading Zeus to jealously hurl a lightning bolt at him. (Warning: May contain some religious allegory!)

8. Killed by evil galactic dictator Xenu in a hail of hydrogen bombs. (Warning: May contain some religious allegory!)

9. Hits the high note in “Unchained Melody,” causing his own brain to implode.

10. Plugs some kind of mystical hole with some kind of mystical rock, therefore rescuing the whole world for some nonsensical reason. Also, a cute dog appears!

11. Travels back in time to 1912, and brings Laurence Fishburne’s character Ray Langston back in time with him. They both drown on the Titanic, but not before altering the space-time continuum so William Petersen never left CSI. Everybody’s happy!

12. Dragged into the middle of the woods and shot. And then stars on Joey.

13. Shot while attempting to escape.

14. “Shot while attempting to escape.”

15. Tries to assassinate the president, is killed by Jack Bauer.

16. Explodes into a million pieces after exposing himself to sunrise for the first time in 2,000 years.

17. Dies, but then escapes from hell in a cool car to rescue his granddaughter.

18. Is revealed to actually be an 89-year-old Finnish woman with a saintly voice. Dies of natural causes.

19. Crushed by a rogue elephant.

20. Has sex with someone he loves, contracts neuro-syphilis.

Read more:
Justin Bieber’s ‘CSI’ return video
‘Justin Bieber: Never Say Never': Five scenes we’d like to see in potential director’s cut
Owen Gleiberman reviews ‘Justin Bieber: Never Say Never’
Justin Bieber: Why adults are scared of him. And why they should go see his movie.
Will Paramount’s Christian outreach program get young men to see ‘Justin Bieber: Never Say Never’?

dragged in the middle of the woods and shot and then go on joey?

Comments (51 total) Add your comment
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  • Mr. Holloway

    Bieber’s lookin’ like a fool with his pants on the ground in that pic.

    #3 made me miss “The Wire” all over again. And even though I’m a HUGE “Lost” fan, I can laugh at #10.

    • tracy bluth

      Agree with everything you said

    • Notabelieber

      I’d like to add: Offends the daughter of a Native American Indian chief and gets scalped….

      • MYlandnotYOURS

        I’d like to add mocking anothers culture could maybe get you in that predicament…thanks

    • AK

      I don’t know if it’s even legal for J. Biebs to be showing that much underwear…

      • DW

        Total kiddie porn!

  • Alex

    “15. Tries to assassinate the president, is killed by Jack Bauer.”

    If anything, this. We need more Jack Bauer on TV.

  • Juju

    This is hilarious! I think you could come up with a List of celebrities/characters who need a list of “20 Ways to Die on CSI” and cross reference.

    • Juju

      I nominate Charlie Sheen. It’s a match made in Vegas heaven.

  • Fatima


  • javi

    13 and 14 but i feel nice today i go for 5 and 20 canada sucks you turd and i hope selena gets pregnant from another guy you ass.

    • rush

      wow, why would you say that to a 16 year old, whatever his views are on “the rolling stones matters” that seems harsh. also he isnt exactly wrong about what he said about the canadian health care system, very hill billie of you to respond with a “canada sucks”……

  • fatima

    he,s hot

    • kandise

      i agreeeeeeee with you i love him he is the best and hotest guy i have ever seen :) <3333333333

  • javi

    sorry for my last post but i still go for #20

  • maiah

    i think that he’s hot!

    • kandise

      i agreeeeeeeee :) <333333

  • Buffy Freak

    Any way they could combine all 20?

  • Cassie

    I think #15 should happen. And maybe just bring back Jack Bauer for the entire season

  • Lisa Simpson

    #21 – Trips over his pants and hits his head.

  • chocolateislove

    Haha, this is hilarious! I like the sharks with lasers one. Cuz that would just be epic to watch.

  • corrin

    Why would you write this?

  • rush

    this was hysterical.

  • Graciela

    Without doubt the number 11, and so would see CSI.

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