Welcome back to Skating With the Stars, the low-rent-verging-on-homeless version of Dancing With the Stars! ‘Tis the season for not being able to get the cave-troll growl of British host Vernon Kay’s “liiiiive.” (compared to Tom Bergeron’s hearty “LIIIIIIIIVE!”) out of your rotting brain, no matter how hard you bang your head against the ice! What’s the use? What is the point of anything? I have no words. Here are some screengrabs.
‘SKATING WITH THE STARS’: 15 EPISODE 3 TRAINWRECKS!
‘STARS’ in big-ass silver-sparkly block letters during intros. LOL.
Dick Button’s face when Johnny Weir mentioned Beyoncé and Jay-Z as an example of a modern-day love story.
All better! (Awwwwww.)
Rebecca Budig wrapping her sparkly shawl around Dick’s head. It’s like she’s Baptizing him in sequins. (A longtime dream of mine. JEALOUS!)
The OVERWHELMING DECOR of the judges’ table, specifically the front/bottom of it. It’s not beautiful! Who decided it should take up half the screen???
Vernon’s dreadful fake laugh while introducing Rebecca: “She’s been advised to rest. Huh-HAHHHHH! That’s not going to happen.”
After Jonny Moseley skated right over one of his partner’s little ravioli hands during practice (“I bladed her,”) he just KEPT GOING for entire seconds!
BLOOD ON THE ICE.
The festive ski/hunting lodge decor behind Bethenny Frankel’s partner Ethan after Bethenny mouthed off about judge Laurieann Gibson. (“Hi, you’re a loser … I will slap her upside the head.”)
Bethenny’s “toe-touching” “spiral”
Bethenny’s “toe loop.” (Everyone was required to jump!)
Bethenny completing her transformation into a muppet monster: “WE GOT A 7!”
Dick Button, who is just dying for a repeat feature on The Soup, to Vince Neil: “Your stroking was better. You’re beginning to remember what you did at the age of 12 … I’m the TSA of figure skating and I see the talent in you!”
By the way, I love how some of the random wipeouts have to occur right next to the set. Try not to disturb Tribal Council with your flailing!
Vernon pretending to think it was sad that Brandon wouldn’t be skating due to food poisoning.
Brandon and Keauna were paid a visit from our old friends Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer from DWTS! Really, what else would they be doing? Hi, guys! I miss you! Hey, there’s our old friend, the rehearsal studio ficus!!! Anyway, Lacey really amped it up for the holidays with a heavy grandpa sweater in lieu of her usual tattered rags in lighter fabrics.
Keauna’s bitchface to Johnny Weir after he told her he’d have trouble judging their artistic performance based on rehearsal footage.
SCORES (“THE JUDGES’ LEADERBOARD!”)
Jonny Moseley & Brooke Castile: 8/9/7 technical + 9/9/9 artistic = 51/60
Rebecca Budig & Fred Palascak: 9/8/8 + 9/8/8 = 50/60
Brandon Mychal Smith & Keauna McLaughlin: 8/5/5 + 9/6/6 = 39/60
Bethenny Frankel & Ethan Burgess: 6/6/5 + 7/6/6 = 36/60
Vince Neil & Jennifer Wester: 6/5/5 + 7/6/7 = 36/60
Eliminated: Vince Neil and Jennifer Wester (Nooooooooo! He was so adorable skating with those kids!)
His score shall never rise up from the ice AND CRACK IT again.
Final thoughts: What is Laurieann smoking, scoring Brandon 9s when he wasn’t even in the sad ice cave? Rebecca was AMAZING. Bethenny was technically terrible but major props to her for even trying. I honestly have no idea how these people are willingly participating in a reality show ON ICE!?! I’d have quit on Day 2 (after tracking down and swiping the DANCMSTR license plate from the hallway connecting Planet Mirrorballus to the Sad Ice Cave).
Anyone else make it through Week 3? Should I continue the Skating With the Stars self-torture (this is sarcastic! I clearly enjoy it!) for the sake of “Internet art”?
Read more:
‘Skating With the Stars’: Week 2 Trainwrecks!
Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett
Yes… this has been the bright, sparkly point of my day.
Are the set designers frustrated former department store window dressers? That judges’ table reminded me of the overly-lit & tinseled rail leading up to the parking garage where I work. Maybe don’t blow the budget on the glittered “STARS” next time!
Sending Bolton native, wonderful Northern accented, Vernon some love. Get in there, my son!
These judges are the worst thing on television. Johnny’s lecture to Bethenny made me cringe and his assertion that Brandon should have competed despite being hospitalized was ludicrous. Was Brandon supposed to mastermind an escape and compete in his hospital gown? I love Dick Button but please get the others off my television (and take the host with you!)
This is absolutely the new low in reality television…put untalented “stars” in sharp ice skates and let them go…and then be surprised when they fall or bleed…take this off the air please.
Button is completely inarticulate. Weiss is the only judge with poise and constructive advice.
Err, I meant “Weir.” Guess I was having a Michael Weiss flashback.
Weir is the WORST. This show is for entertainment purposes only- it’s not like these people are going to go on to compete for Olympic medals. There is no reason to be self-involved, self-serving and belittle the contestants during judging. I don’t even hate him in a love to hate kind of way. Just hate.
Laurieann is the worst judge on tv.
Is she worse than that horse-face, loud-mouth Mary whatshername on the dancing reality show? Laurieann’s voice is a little awful, but also kinda cute in a Fran Drescher sort of way.
blasphemy. Mary Murphy <3
Weir is a hater. He’s a good skater but he needs to give these celebs a break. He has been totally hating on Bethany…I think he’s jealous of how skinny she is. Dick Button agrees with Weir because he lost it….the show is sad and I love skating. Even this is too much. After I saw the dogging on Bethany I don’t waste my time on watching the entire show….. pull it already.
Why do you even review this show if you hate it so much. This show is WAY more entertaining than Dancing with the Nobodys.
are you kidding.
Not at all. Watching “celebrities” on ice skates fall on their *ss is much more entertaining than dancing.
This show is hysterial and it’s not supposed to be! A trainwreck for sure! I’m thinking it’s one and out for this mess of a show!
A gem-hunter belongs in a cave, Sad Ice or no. Keep it up, Annie. Leave it to you to give Skating with the Stars some kind of entertainment value.
After the Olympics, I was a fan of Weir. Not anymore. The more I see of him, the less and less I like his personality. He comes across as having such a high opinion of himself. That ‘stink face’ that he gave Bethenny before his ‘rant’ about scoring showed his true colors. ( and this is from a non-Bethenny fan)
I used to love him too, especially after the Olympics….but then I started reading more about him, and I didn’t like what I read. It basically came down to overblown ego and poor sportsmanship – it kind of reminded me of Plushenko a bit, honestly. I agree with him that he was underscored at the Olympics, but there’s no way he should have medaled. And some of the crap he said to Evan Lysacheesecake when they were having a publicized tiff was just bizarrely unprofessional. Not to say that Evan was or wasn’t blameless…I have no idea and I really don’t care that much…but he handled it more gracefully and I appreciate that. Keep your drama to yourselves, people.
Actually, he was way underscored and should have medaled in the olympics.
I totally forgot this was on and ended up watching the Jets’ trainwreck instead. Tom Brady was involved, so major props there, but nobody – not a single person – had on any sequins. What was I thinking? Oh yeah, SWTS sucks and I should just limit myself to Annie’s hilarious recaps.
Works for me! I haven’t seen one second of this show, but Annie’s style is so funny and descriptive, I feel like I haven’t missed a thing. It’s a paradox. Flame on, Missy! Annie rules!
Mothra, I am with you although I have tried with all my might to watch it but it isn’t to be and yet I love Annie’s critiques..
I’m glad haven’t wasted more than 15 seconds of my life watching this mess…but at the same time I’m loving Annie’s recaps! Lisa, I think you have the perfect solution…don’t watch – just read!
You take for granted how important the host really is in a show such as this — this guy is a bufoon… boring , self indulgent- thinks he’s hot , but he’s not….. yuck ! I love Dancing with the stars and absolutely HATE skating with the stars and I was so hopeful……
I cried laughing at that horrendous picture of his “fake laugh.”
He’s better than annoying Brooke Burke.
i really think you should be looking at Canada’s skating show ‘Battle of the Blades’. we have former NHL hockey players pairing with figure skaters. makes your ‘celebrity’ show look like a joke!
Get over Battle of the Blades. This is a completely different show.
ANNIE!!! Yeah for doing SWTS recaps. I love it! I so badly wished you had done it from day one when Jennifer/Derek on DWTS and Rebecca/Fred did the same spin where the female was spun around with her arms flexed on the man’s thighs (hey it makes sense in my head). I wanted to shout “We’ve already seen that tonight!”. So glad you are doing this!
Next season they should ramp it up and present “Juggling Chainsaws with the Stars”.
Best. Idea. EVER.
What a flop! nuff said
If this turkey last past the 9th inning it will be a miracle, most people have picked up their beer and pop corn and left the stadium.