Steve McGarrett started off last night’s episode of Hawaii Five-0 sleeping next to the most perfect woman ever. She’s a Navy lieutenant who catches bad guys, is a great cook, likes her steak bloody, doesn’t seem to mind if you disappear for 36 hours at a time, and is played by Michelle Borth, last seen in flagrante on Tell Me You Love Me. Steve and his dream girl were all set to skip breakfast. They rubbed noses. They kissed. “I think I’m vibrating,” says Ms. Perfect. CBS, I know it’s 10 p.m., but behave yourself! Oh, wait, no, hahaha, it was just the iPhone. The Caller ID proclaimed: “Governor Jameson.” Thanks, Uncle iPhone!
Shenanigans ensued. The first bad guys of the evening were girl-enslaving gangsters, but then the real bad guys were Filipino terrorists. Meanwhile, the Steve/Danno flirtation reached a new high level of low geekery: Steve asked Danno if he ever made it to the Double-Pretzel level of Ms. Pac-Man. Danno: “Triple-Banana, bitch.” God, these guys are awesome. In the end, the evil Coach Tanaka was captured, the diplomat’s daughter was saved, and Steve treated his ladyfriend to a roast dinner on the beach. Except, uh-oh, they got too distracted by each other’s ridonk hotness to finish dinner! So, to recap the narrative arc of the latest episode of Hawaii Five-0:
1. Steve McGarrett had hot glamorous sex with the perfect woman.
2. Steve McGarrett solved a mystery and defeated terrorism in the Philippines forever.
3. Steve McGarrett had hot glamorous sex with the perfect woman on a beach.
Click forward for this week’s Bingo Board!
PopWatchers, did you catch this week’s special appearance by a Wire alumnus? Does forcing a sketchball to drink his own roofie colada count as breaking a police brutality law? And did you feel dissatisfied by the lack of a car chase? Sound off below!