'Jersey Shore' recap: Don't let the outfit confuse you

Last night, J-Woww wore a dress that made full-frontal nudity look like G-rated Pixar stuff. It was like seeing those black “censored” bars in dress form. As if she had stolen netting from a sadomasochist barbarian fisherman, cut out a couple strips roughly as wide as a crayon, and then rubber-cemented those strips over her lady parts. In what I can only call a demure moment, she decided to cover her girls with glow-stickers. “I look at her, and I think, this girl’s a f—ing whore!” said Snooki, sounding like the proud mother of the first female President of the United States.

Remember last week’s slappy-kissy drama? The Situation magnanimously decided to apologize by writhing on top of Snooki and screaming, “Accept my apology!” Snooki quickly agreed, and spent the rest of the episode mourning Ryder’s departure by spouting semi-sentient phrases like ‘The sun’s very powerful today,” and “Guido juicehead gorillas, sweaty tan…boys.” That last one was a complete sentence. (Does anyone else think that Daytime Snooki’s voice sounds almost exactly like the demonic bleats of those terrible Quizno’s Cats.)

Meanwhile, The Situation’s car was towed during an eyebrow-plucking session. It was just one sign of Sitch’s overall Icarus-like fall from grace. At the club, Pauly D grabbed a couple hot chicks. Sitch was all like, “Please, Santa Pauly, have you one more smush in your bag for me?” Pauly allowed Sitch to flirt with one of the ladies. But horror! Pauly’s girl said of Sitch’s girl: “Don’t let the outfit confuse you. She doesn’t drink, and she doesn’t hook up with people.” Sitch was disgusted. He demanded that this freak puritan drink a Vitamin water in the living room. In the process, he soured the deal for Pauly D. Pauly D chastised his wingman: “Entertain a grenade or decipher a bomb. It’s a war out there.”

But Pauly is a loyal soldier. So, the next night, when he snagged a couple of girls from “Canadia,” he let Sitch take one. (Seriously, Canada, do you only come to America to hook up with our reality TV stars?) But twist! Shyamalan! Just as Sitch was preparing to hit Ms. Toronto with his leathery charm, her girlfriend said, “She’s got a fiancé!” Sitch emitted a toxic odor that repelled the northern aggressors. Sitch and Pauly: Smush-free for two nights in a row.

More Secret Notes Smuggled out of the Idiot Gulag:

– Sammi: “I’m exotic-looking.” Ronnie: “You look Asian. I like it.” Sammi: “Considering your ex-girlfriend is Asian, you don’t say that to me.” Fighting ensued. Basically, Sammi doesn’t like that Ronnie is a douchebag, and Ronnie thinks Sammi doesn’t respect his douchebaggery enough. Also, they’re both terrible people.

-The Situation set off the fire alarm. “Evacuate the premise!” said J-Woww malapropically. We really have to boob something about our education system.

-Vinny would absolutely wife up Ramona. But alas, our poor Vin-Vin doesn’t believe in love. Somewhere, a fairy is dying. Believe, Vinny! Believe!

-The Hook-Up Board, as described by Snooki: “I made out with Pauly, made out with Mike, and tried to have sex with Vinny. And I made out with Jenni and Angelina.” There are two important things to take away from that line:

1) We are living through the end of human history.

2) This was a surprisingly explicit admission that Snooki hasn’t really smushed with anyone in the house. If we theorize for a moment that Angelina actually did smush with her romantic partners, we are left with the ultimate conclusion that Snooki is a mere Ralph Waldo Emerson and Angelina is Henry David Thoreau. Sorry, readers, I’ve taken to reading 18th19th-century American Literature while I watch Jersey Shore. And also drinking wine out of a box.

-Unexpectedly gratifying line of the night: “I never said anything about checkers, old man.”

-Unexpectedly existential line of the night: “At one point, we all didn’t know any of us.”

-Unexpectedly Faulknerian line of the night: “You usually don’t have sex with your big brother.”

Viewers, can the Situation get any more annoying, or is that a terrible challenge to lay on the ground? Don’t you wish Pauly D would settle down with the adorable Disney princess-loving woman who respects him for who he is and not just for his ridiculous muscles? And Oh Em Mother-Effing Gee, what sort of devilry awaits us in the season finale?

For more on my exciting theory about how Angelina is the hero of Jersey Shore, follow me on Twitter @EWDarrenFranich

THINK OF YOUR TELEVISION AS A VITAL MEMBER OF THE FAMILY? Then don’t miss this week’s TV Insiders podcast! Michael Ausiello, Michael Slezak, Annie Barrett, Dalton Ross, and Jeff Jensen weigh in on the returning series that are hitting creative peaks this season, and dish the latest happenings on Mad Men, Survivor, and Dancing With the Stars. Click here to download the podcast to your MP3 player, or listen to a YouTube embed below!

Comments (56 total) Add your comment
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  • Elizabeth

    I’m gonna miss these recaps…

    • ThugFife

      Snooki is a liitle pig

      • etm

        Damn right! And how disgusting did she look while she was crying with J-Woww? She turns my stomach.

    • DiMi

      These are the best JS recaps on the net, and I usually go for Gawker.

  • tracy bluth

    More proof that The Situation is the Ben Linus of this show- you can never tell if he’s really good or not! Oh, and for a minute I thought that Sam was mad at Ronnie for being somewhat racist…I have no idea what I was thinking.

    • Mr. Holloway

      Remember when Ben was about to join Fake Locke “because no one else will have me”? I half expected Sitch to tearfully explain his descent into the dark side with, “because no one will hook up with me!”

      • yutz

        Wow! Your comment has absolutely nothing to do with anything!

      • Mr. Holloway

        Hey…that’s how I roll! (In fact, I’d argue that’s the only way to roll on the “Jersey Shore” boards.)

      • Mr. Holloway

        …besides…at least I responded to the first half of tracy bluth’s original comment. We can’t all stay as on-topic as you.

    • CT

      He looks like he can be a good guy. It might just be the steroids kicking in which is what’s making him more aggresive

    • DiMi

      Oh Tracy, it’s dangerous to overestimate these characters. They have NO problem whatsoever with racism.

  • Sarah

    Darren, I don’t even watch this show, but I read your recaps because they are hilarious. I raise my glass of box wine to you! Cheers!

  • Psac

    Where’s the picture of that dress?? :)

    • Mr. Holloway

      Well, calling it a dress may be a bit of an exaggeration. (Or a LOT of an exaggeration.)

      • Ali

        Unquestionably believe that which you said. Your fvrouaite reason appeared to be on the internet the simplest factor to consider of. I say to you, I certainly get irked whilst folks think about worries that they plainly don’t know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the highest and also outlined out the entire thing without having side-effects , other people can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thanks

  • Dorkophile

    Darren, your recaps make me less ashamed that I watch JS. Getting a lit refresher, love it.

  • JMB in FL

    Darren Franich, you are my hero. Anyone who can insert Faulkner, existentialism, Emerson/Thoreau, and Greek mythology into a recap of Jersey Freakin Shore is a god to me. Thanks for making me actually LOL.

    • Sassy

      Agree completely! I have a Ph. D. and still watch this crap… but love it, and hate myself for it!

  • pifr

    I want to not take any of this seriously; but I have two jobs (well paying jobs) and it’s rough living in these times.

    Yet, these people (and I use the term loosely) are making mad money. Seriously, were I younger, I would skip college and try to book a reality show.

    • JPX

      Relax, pifr, these people are lower-class and uneducated. They are making crazy amounts of money right now but follow up with them in a few years and you’ll find them flipping burgers. Their 15 minutes won’t last forever and stupidity stops being cute after a while (see also Jessica Simpson).

      • Jenni and Vinny both have college degrees.

      • ani

        having a college degree does not automatically mean they are educated. there are some terrible colleges out there and some heinously dumb people with degrees. JUST SAYIN.

      • Vince from NYC

        Pauly D will continue to make money DJing for some time. He’s actually decent and all you need is a little fame to be booked in clubs. Other then that Snooks will probably get another show and maintain her celebrity for some time. For some reason America loves her. I think everybody has a little Snookie inside of them wanting to come out. You have to give her credit, she burst onto the scene after being punched in teh mouth by some dude. She could have easily just been “girl who got punched in the face by a dude on that show” but instead she is Snooki, the star of Jersey Shore. Props to Snooks! She has already outlived 15 minutes. 3 seasons of a television show and probably more to come is not 15 minutes of fame.

      • Mr. Holloway

        Apparently, they’re not making so much money that they’re not above haggling and asking for discounts after their car gets towed.

      • Vince from NYC

        HA! It’s an Italian thing Mr. Holloway. Bring me the richest Italian you can find and that will be the best haggeler you’ve ever see. We can be pretty stingy, except for when it comes to tipping for some reason. You usually can make a deal with those tow trucks as long as you catch the driver with the car on the truck. He’ll say gimme 200 I’ll let it down.. You dig in your pocket and say I got 100 he’ll let it down, in New York at least..

      • Caryn

        Agree with you Vince. As an Italian who lives on LI and both my parents are from Brooklyn–I try to haggle everything because of them. You always like to feel like you get a deal–it must be an Italian thing.

      • JJ

        Pauly D and the situation already had money before the show, they showed their rooms and car in the pilot. I’m sure they weren’t filthy rich but they weren’t poor either.

  • Jennifer

    Oh Em Mother-Effing Gee I love this recap!

    • Rafael

      On blue ribbon scholos,We dealt with this in our home buying decision when we decided to buy in Bridgewater rather than Warren or Basking Ridge, our first choices. I learned that 10 yrs ago, Bridgewater HS was ranked higher than say Warren, but then NJ mag changed their calculations, and they dropped down. Looking at the stats, 4 of 5 Bridgewater elementary scholos pretty much score the same as Warren, but then there’s one school where some lower-income people live, and that school’s score is lower. Thus at the high school level, the average score on tests is a couple percentage points lower, as Bridgewater has fewer asians, a few more hispanics, and thus a few kids to pull the averages down. There are also a couple extra kids per classroom on average.Basically, we got to buy a house for $300,000 less in Bridgewater than in Warren/Basking Ridge. All that we have to accept in return is that there might be some middle class hispanic kid in my kid’s gym class in 8 years (but probly not in her AP Mandarin or Calculus classes).Since we’re not racists, and are used to our kid being ahead of her classmates, we took the discount, while most other Asians are competing to buy more expensive houses in Warren and Basking Ridge to guarantee a more exclusive neighborhood and school system without dusky-hued children.

  • john

    poor sitch did not close a deal. They wolrd has to stop so he can fix his hair and try again.

    and that girl was hot

    If you have not watched the South Park episode yet, you should. That got me to watch the episode last night

  • JPX

    You spend an entire paragraph discussing her dress yet you don’t show a picture of it? (slaps head in disbelief).

  • Bonnie

    I was disappointed with last night’s episode but the royal annoyance was Sammi and her atrocious self esteem.

    • Mr. Holloway

      “but the royal annoyance was Sammi and her atrocious self esteem.”

      Unfortunately, you just summarized season 2.

      • Toots70

        I saw the “dress”…it can’t be posted.

      • Christina

        Unfortunately, you also just summarized season 1.

  • Mike

    i onlt clicked on this link to see if they’d have any pictures of that chick wearing that skanky dress. which they, of course, do not. fail. another thing i know is anyone who would watch this show is a freaking idiot. no exceptions.

    • TJ

      Damn Mike, you sure told the people who watch this show. Don’t know about everyone else, but I’m definitely gonna stop watching now that some tool I’ve never met thinks I’m a freaking idiot. Honestly? Not even sure if I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

  • Chadwick

    Please correct — In the above “Jersey Shore” recap — Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau are incorrectly noted as 18th century writers. When in fact, they lived and wrote in the 19th century.

  • reema

    poor snooki, having to wait an entire week to see her best friend. Not even millions in the bank can soothe that kind of pain….

  • Divva

    Week after week, I wait to see if someone will finally mention the fact that The Situation wears a red periodic table tee. I feel the need to speak out on behalf of the Nerd of the Americas. Why, Sitch, why?

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