The problem is that, with Angelina gone, the house has lost its scapegoat. You could blame anything on her. Our letter-writing campaign blew up in our faces? Blame Angelina! We couldn’t bring home any chicks? Blame Angelina! I’m a roid-addled botox-slurping man-child who unironically wears my sunglasses at night? Blame Angelina! But the Great Nemesis is gone now, and that leaves our beloved housemates in an awkward position. They are left with nothing but one stark truth: They are all quite awful people, actually. They lack even the most basic communication skills. They are vain, selfish, materialistic, proudly uneducated. They drink like college freshmen and smush like horny mutant bunny rabbits. But their self-proclaimed leader is the worst of them all. As last night’s episode proved, The Situation is the secret villain of Jersey Shore.
You could tell things were bad when Sitch put on his vest before he went out to the club. “Sitch wearing a vest” is like “Spider-Man wearing the black costume”: you just know some weird Freudian evil is going to happen. Sure enough, Mr. Circumstance attacked ladies with his trademark panzer-tank charm. One girl charmingly screamed, “Help me!” Another girl flirtatiously pleaded, “I’m, like, begging you. I’m trying to have fun, but you’re, like, too much.” Rargh! Women refusing Situation! Situation angry! Situation become passive-aggressive! A minor scuffle broke out between Sitch and Snooks. Sitch wanted to go home. Snooks refused. “Snooki’s drunk and she doesn’t understand,” said Mr. Circumstance, “She acts like she’s 10 years old.” Pot, meet kettle. You should get to know each other. You have so much in common. For one thing, you’re both the same color, you goon!
Viewers, we have fun here. We cheer for Vinny when he breaks through the stern Mitteleuropean resolve of Romanian Ramona (henceforth RomRam). We have a good laugh when Snooki and her friend Ryder mix vodka, rum, chocolate syrup, barbecue sauce, ice cream, and maybe some binder paper into one terrible cocktail. We marvel at how the cast of Jersey Shore dances exactly like the cast of Charlie Brown. But there’s nothing funny about the Situation’s King Lear-esque descent into narcissistic anger.
“Everybody knows I’m a pimp,” argued Mr. Circumstance. Fair enough, sir, but Great Scott, even pimpery has its moral limits! When Vinny went to the bathroom, Sitch tried to pull a robbery. RomRam refused him. So Sitch spent the night pouting and looking longingly at Vinny. (Side note #1: Isn’t Situation’s obsession with robbing Vinny just a shattered-mirror reflection of Angelina’s obsession with Snooki’s sloppy seconds? Side note #2: Snooki’s Sloppy Seconds will be a show someday, so prepare yourself.)
The Situation made his way to Snooki. He went in for a kiss. She refused him. Then he told her it was time to go. She refused him. So he slapped her in the mouth. It was beyond disturbing, especially since his explanation was, “I’m the motherf—ing daddy of this house!” So, let’s map out the psychodrama here:
1. The Situation as Father Figure: He considers himself the household’s primary authoritarian and provider.
2. The Situation as Romantic Figure: He seeks sexual solace with his sister/daughter figure, Snooki.
3. The Situation as Child Figure: When Snooki maternally refuses his advances, he acts out like a spurned child.
As the episode ended, Mr. Circumstance went around to all of his supposed family members, asking if they were ready to go. Everyone refused him. Poor Situation. He thinks he’s Tony Soprano Season 2, but he’s actually Tony Soprano Season 6.
More Psychopompous Dispatches from the Ninth Circle of Freudian Hell:
-JWoww on the boys’ pool party: “A little homosexual, three guys in a hot tub.” A little?
-Unless my eyes deceive me, Vinny drank five red bulls while he was waiting for RomRam to show up. Watch out, Vin-Vin, my buddy told me that stuff will make your brain explode.
-Vinny had a decision: Go to the beach with two sure-thing girls, or go to the beach with one longshot girl? It was just like Schrodinger’s Cat, except with more bikinis.
-Romania looks like a fish.
-JWoww and Snooki wanted to save a lobster. Snooki thought lobsters ate insects. They put it in a bowl of fresh water. It promptly died a horrible death. WE REALLY HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM.
-Oh dear holy god, what if Ryder doesn’t get on her flight? That would just be the worst thing ever! Agony! Sorrow! I’ll die! Suicide! Murder-suicide! The world will just end if Ryder doesn’t…oh, she’s here.
-Ryder, Snooki, and JWoww felt each other’s boobs. JWoww: “I like my boobs.” And I like my Xbox 360, but you don’t see me bragging about my expensive stuff, do you?
-I kid. JWoww is my process-of-elimination favorite person in the house. She has Lauren Bacall’s voice, Joan Crawford’s attitude, Winona Ryder’s hatred for the high school oligarchy, and except for last season’s dalliance with Pauly D, she’s avoided engaging in any Shorecest.
-The Situation: “My grandpappy was a pimp. His grandpappy was a pimp.” Pause to visualize Great-Great-Grand-Sitch creeping on Gilded Age honeys. Guys, I think the American experiment has failed.
-I kind of love how the Telltale Letter is basically the sole plotline of this season. Who knew the youth of America still wrote letters? Maybe there’s hope for us, after all.
-Sammi on Sitch’s weirdness: “If I met him, I’d hate him.” Ronnie, in a rare moment of perception: “You did meet him! And you made out with him!”
Viewers, is the Situation Darth Vader, or is he the Emperor? Are you a little bit sad that Pauly D’s Cuban girl seems to have disappeared? Does Sammi do anything but straighten her hair, talk on the phone, and pout? Let’s discuss this all later. I’ll meet you at the pool, and we’ll have some Miami Vices.
I had the Van Tussells over and we opened an aged bottle of vintage chablis with saffron encrusted truffles and watched the Situation say he is a pimp and watch Snooki scream “wah”.
I’m sorry, but I just snorted out loud. That comment is the funniest thing I have seen all day.
That’s not completely accurate Vinny is a college graduate.
Well, Vinny should act as if he has a college degree and if he were smart enough, he’d realize that he is on the sleaziest show on television. Although I will say that Vinny, in my opinion, seems the most down to Earth person on that show. But this cast makes huge demands on MTV, whining and moaning about not getting paid enough and threatening to quit. Last year, the cast of the Emmy winning Glee made the same amount of money that this bozo cast made which was about $30,000 per episode. FOR A REALITY SHOW. I do watch it occassionally because my roomate and I are waiting for the breathtaking finale when the house goes boom with all inside. That would make for great television.
oh and that $30,000 is per person not just $30,000 for the cast to split amongst each other
Actually, I like the idea of MTV giving these pinheads a lump sum of money to split amongst themselves. Then they could roll camera while these idiots try to do division!
and yet you’re one of the first ten comments on their recap?
I actually like Vinny on the show. He’s clean cut, he doesn’t get into fights. At least he keeps the show from having the same kinds of people with their wild over the top images, especially Situation, the fight obsessed Ronnie, the gelled hair obsessed Pauly D and Snooki. He’s more polished when compared to the crazy people of the other 7 on Jersey Shore.
NEIL STFU. MTV BROKE DOWN TOO BC THESE PEOPLE BRING IN A BOATLAD OF MONEY. YOU SOUND LIKE A B&*%$
@LisaG
Steve Langford has a big p****
as is jenni. i think she has two degrees, if i remember correctly.
The first thing I said before watching last night’s show was now that Angelina is gone, they will all start attacking each other. These kids operate with a mob mentality. Also, anybody else notice how since Sammi hasn’t been friends witht he girls for the last 5 weeks, she and Ronni have been getting along? Reminds me of the saying “with friends like this, who needs enemy’s”.
I think the reason Ronnie and Sammi are doing so well is because, Ron never wanted Sammi to be friends with the girls in the first place. Its just like being in high school. Your boyfriend doesnt want you hanging out with certain girls who will tell you how much of a dick he really is, so he fights with you constantly trying to make you believe that the problem isnt him, its actually the girls youre surrounding yourself with.
About a million more people watch Jersey Shore than 30 Rock. So I think Snooki should make more money than Tina Fey. People actually watch Snooki on Jersey Shore. And Snooki is alot funnier than Tina Fey!
Mike … dare I say, you’re an idiot? Snooki is funny in a “look how pathetic she is” way.
Drunken sluts are funny. It’s a proven fact.
IT DOESNT MATTER IN WHAT WASY SHE IS FUNNIER. THE FACT REMAINS SHE IS MORE ENTERTAINING THAN T-FEY; THE NUMBERS DONT LIE. BOZO.
takes ***** at work…takes ***** at work…
This recap is awesome.
Charlie Brown? LMAO. I miss the Cuban girl, what is Pauly D doing? They are so cute together and she’s normal for chrissakes. I can’t believe Mike slapped Snooks and honestly, who, other than himself, crowned him head of the household? Lastly, the part where the 3 girls were sitting around in silence in the living room playing with their eyelashes, hair, face.. in dead silence was priceless.
I was hoping Darrin would mention this part in his recap. It was hilarious! I’m surprised none of their fake eyelashes or hair extensions fell out while they were compulsively pulling at them.
That was hilarious. The guys are outside in the hottub giggling, then a quick take to the awkward face playing silence in the house.These girls are lame- but so amussing. Just after Sitch kissed Snooks- did anyone notice him run his hand up her inner thigh? not that he’s ever been close to admirable, but if there was ever a question of creepiness…I kept thinking of that “date-rape” song by Sublime.
Sitch reminds me of Shakespeare’s King Lear, he considers himself the father figure of the house that in turn wants to control and sleep with his daughters aka Snooki. Its almost like he wants Snooki to “misbehave” aka undermine his authority so he can punish her by sleeping with her and getting control that way. He is too creepy. yikes
I was awestruck by how they do look exactly the same” “Peanuts” and “Jersey Shore” hybrid! It would be our youth culture in a Pauly D mash up gone mad! Great recap! I was laughing out loud!
I haved watched the Jersey Shore from the beginning, it is definitely a guilty pleasure of mine. Generally the show is pretty enjoyable, I found last night’s episode to be pretty awful though. I found it to be boring, and I thought they it lacked its usual self-awawre charm. I found the Situation’s behavior to be disturbing, maybe im just geting to a point in this season where watching the same thing happen over and over has lost its appeal. Ill probably stick with the show, but its definitely lost its must see status for me.
I felt totally disappointed last night, it WAS boring. And I did lots of cringing – namely in response to Vinnie picking Ramona (why?? have some self-respect!), and in The Situation’s alarming behavior.
It went from being something I used to watch in wide-eyed wonder and laugh about, to something I didn’t want to see.
I felt the exact same way. I kept waiting for it to get funny, but it never happened. Then I was so upset with Situation when he smacked Snooki in the mouth, I mean who does that ?! He’s a pervert, and is way out of line. And honestly, even though I knew Vinny was going to pick Ramona, I couldnt believe how giant like she was (she was taller than Vinny !), and skinny. I feel like any man who continues to allow me to pussy them around, isnt a man, hes a push over, and as far as that goes if I was Vinny I would have told Ramona, see ya, and went to the beach with those other 2 girls !
I have never watched this show, but for some strange reason, I always read the recap. After doing so I feel like I need to shower. These people sound sleazy!
Ha! Me too!!! I actually started watching the show because the recaps were so funny!
Me too!!! Damn it! I just wanted to try reading one, and Darren is so funny he got me hooked.
Although I’m not going to watch it, Lori.
After last night, it’s clear that Jersey Shore is a lot like Lost. The Situation wants to be a “Pimp Master” as much as Ben wanted to be “SPECIAL”. Also, Sammi and Ron are Nikki and Paulo.
So does Angelina = Jack? (She had to come BAAAACCKKKK!)
“We have to go back, duck phone. We have to go BAAAAACKKKK”.
Situation could also be Kate- RomRam is Sawyer and Vinny is Juliet.
One season of these disgusting idiots was enough. I can’t even watch this season. These people are an embarrassment to the human race. And the situation is UGLY.
You’re right, the Situation is butter. No mention how he hit on Vinny’s girl when he stepped away to the bathroom and she refused him? He’s desperate and I think his true colors are showing.
Him taking Vinnie’s girls is even worse than anything Angelina did. I felt sorta bad for her. She just did what she wanted, like the guys, and got called out for it. Ronnie screwed around on Sammi and he kept his mouth shut because it wasn’t his business, but with Angelina, he calls her out to Jose. He is so not right. Something is wrong with him.
Sammi Sweetheart is just awful. I will never understand why she is angry with J-Woww.
umm cause she wrote her a letter when she could have just told her and then acted like it was a game and refused to let anyone tell her the truth..thats why
Not gonna lie. A little disappointed J-Woww didn’t launch into Nomi Malone, “I like having nice t-ts” mode during the boob feeling scene.
Wonder if how the Sitch comes off in this episode will affect his vote totals on DWTS this week.
Come on Sitch – there had to be a grenade there you could’ve hooked up with and done the classy thing callin her a cab and sending her on her way.
I wonder if the ‘mystique and aura’ of the Sitch is wearing thin at this point in the season?
I think the mystique of the show is wearing thin. These characters are starting to get a little boring with their antics, and the Situation’s behavior last night only explains the increasingly diva demands of the cast. I say season 3 is their last.
I dont see any of the cast acting like divas, besides Situation. I mean whenever he is in public with the other cast mates, he acts as though he has to speak over them, and answer questions for them. Its strange. The others still seem normal to me.
I watch this show week after week hoping that Sammy suddenly gets a peronsality. I loved when Ron made the comment about Sam being a “grown women” and able to make her own decisions, yet she’s constantly asking him what she should do. And his comment about Sam meeting the Sitch and making out with him…priceless.
line of the night:
Ronnie: “Bed?”
and then Sammi gets up and goes! grown woman my a$$
lmao. hilarious ! theyre so boring. when do they go out on dates, and do bf/gf things ? all i ever see from the two of them is laying in that bed sleeping, going to the gyn, doing laundry, laying on the couch, or eating. and sam says that now since angelina has left, she doesnt want to be up rons ass all day, well hun from the way it looks, youve been stuck up rons ass since last season. sick stupid girl
That was so funny!
“Bed?” and she jumps right up!
In a way I feel bad for Sammi because she must be dying of embarrassment when she watches how she acts. She’s such a doormat!
i can’t believe the best scene wasn’t mentioned…as they were leaving for the club, sammi says “i don’t really like how i look tonight” and ronnie immediately replies “shut up.”
priceless. they are the nikki and paulo of this show.
EXACTLY (see my comment above). Let’s hope they get paralyzed by a poisonous spider long enough to be buried alive.