'Jersey Shore' recap: Angelina Vs.

Angelina-Jersey-ShoreImage Credit: Emily Shur/MTVWhat has this crazy world come to when a small orange girl with gigantic hair can’t find herself a handsome Gorilla Juicehead for to smush with? Poor, lovelorn Shnookums is feeling lonely. She knows the perfect man is out there. He is a romantical nympho. He frolics around dorkily. He wears an Ed Hardy shirt. In his left hand, he holds an iPhone, with speakers bumping out old-school Deadmau5. In his right hand, he holds a bucket of pickles. “Oh, Mr. Gorilla Juicehead,” said Snooks, “Won’t you send me a dream?”

But last night’s chapter of The Adventures of Mr. Circumstance and His Hooligan Gang wasn’t about puppy love. In fact, you could argue that last night was the most nihilistic episode of television MTV has ever produced, besides maybe the wedding episode of The Hills. Consider, if you will, the Three Trials of Angelina the Unwise:

Angelina Vs. The Situation

Sitch doesn’t get upset very easily. Sure, he’s offended by dirty things. Sure, he doesn’t like it when women are immune to his kryptonite charms. Sure, he pouts like a 12-year-old girl whenever anyone gives his self-esteem an ouchie. But he’s generally an even-keeled guy. Except around Angelina. He was angry at her. She called him names. Quoth The Situation: “How dare you speak to me like this? I’m the glue of this family!”
Remember in Legend of Zelda, when you had to fight Dark Link, your shadow clone? That’s what was happening here. The Situation and Angelina are essentially the same person. But Sitch’s shenanigans are balanced by a desperate need to be liked. Angelina just doesn’t care. She might be a sociopath. When the MTV-bot who hosts Jersey Shore: After Hours asked her if she felt bad about leading Jose on, she basically said, “No, because I needed companionship, and he gave it to me.” Angelina lives in an Angelina-sized universe. So she slapped The Situation, who looked offended and cried about it all night.

Angelina vs. Snooki

Snooki made herself a checklist of the things she didn’t like. What follows is the best transcript our researchers could provide with our primitive freeze-frame technology:

-Hangovers

-Boys/Jerkoffs/Fame Whores

-Miami Boys

-Spicy Foods/Spicy Pickles

-Spiders in the dark (Obviously a reference to Ingmar Bergman’s spider-god.)

-Hardcore “Techno”

-Fake people

-Smelly people

-People

-Cookies

-My exes

-Party poopers

-Debby Downers

Then she made a list of what she did like:

-Being stubborn

-Being tan :)

-Guido Juicehead Gorillas

-Ed Hardy

-Regular Pickles

-DeadMau5

-House Music

-Beverages

-Hoop Earrings

She then threw out her carefully-designed list and attack-humped the first man she saw. “Make out with me!” she flirted, “Make out with me!” Alas for poor Alex, no man can refuse La Snookerino’s subtle charms. She thrust him down upon the couch. She threw her derriere/in the air/say a prayer/care bear stare! “She’s tonguin’ out!” said Vinny. Apparently, no one told Snooki that Alex had been claimed by Angelina.

Meanwhile, back at Club Med, Angelina had packed her bags. She was ready to go.  “I want them to know I didn’t leave because of them,” she explained. “I left on my own.” (We really have to do something about our education system.) But when Snooki dared cross the doorstep with Alex all up on her, something snapped in Angelina. All season, things have been frosty between the two of them. The girls were screaming at each other. Snooki, in her mad genius, decided that Angelina must be in love with her. “If you wanna make out with me, just ask!” begged Snooki. “I will say yes.” Viewers, is Snooki/Angelina the real tragic love story of Jersey Shore?

Angelina vs. The World

At this point, Angelina turned into an Ayn Rand heroine, with an accent like a gangster from a 1930s movie. “Alla youse is f—ing fake! I can’t stand any of youse!” Snooki, the champion of goodness and family values, turned to Sister JWoww. “Hold my hoop earrings,” said Super-Snooks, “I got this.” Cue hair-pulling, couch-wrestling, lots of rolling around in the fetal position, and lots of flailing girl limbs. Ronnie noted that Snooki has T. Rex arms, which sounds kind of funny coming from a shaved gorilla-man with crocodile-leather skin.

Angelina was defeated Shnookums had slain the dragon. Angie walked outside, defeated. “Peace out, fake people!” she exclaimed. Behind her, Pauly jealously coveted her closet space, promising Vinny the floor.

Other Instances Of Note:

-Sammi spent the whole episode in front of the mirror straightening her hair.

-Ronnie noted that Angelina left the first week in Jersey and the last week in Miami. So Ronnie understands symmetry. Even if he doesn’t know the word “symmetry.”

-Pauly D now sings everything. “It’s T-shirt Time!” “It’s wake-up-the-whole-entire-house TIME!” He’s a DJ!

-This is how Pauly D pronounces “sandwich”: “Sangdawitch.”

-The best thing to ask a girl instead of “Elvis or the Beatles”: “Sweats or shorts?”

-Sitch found himself a Canadian girl who almost beat up another girl at the club. Yeesh, what’s up with those angry Canadians, am I right folks, huh?

-As The Situation led his Canadian damsel into the Smush room, he turned around and gave the camera a freakish look. He closed the door slowly. I really wanted him to say, “Good night, you Kings of Maine, you Queens of New England.”

-Pauly D has apparently seriously wifed up his Cuban girl.

-Here is a rough transcript of what Angelina said on Jersey Shore: After Hours:

Angelina: “I got a boyfriend! My boyfriend is my world! I love my boyfriend! I’m moving in with my boyfriend! He fell in love with me, for me.”

MTV-Bot: “How long have you been with your boyfriend?”

Angelina: “Two months.”

Viewers, is Angelina her own worst enemy? Or is she a lone voice of wisdom in a mad, mad, mad, mad world? Can you believe the castmates only have two more weeks in the hellhole little slice of paradise called Miami? BTW, correction: The Situation is Ganondorf and Snooki is Dark Link. See? Legend of Zelda explains everything.


Comments (103 total) Add your comment
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  • Jacob

    This write up is as chaotic and confusing as what happens on the show.

    Well played.

    • Dee

      The recap makes no sense because recapper is as sexist as The Situation and fails to write an actual recap. The recapper omits information from the description because he’s too sexist to just do his job. He deliberately leaves out information that would represent the women as anything but stupid and and irrational. I can’t believe I’m defending Angelina, who needs anger management classes, but the sexism of this recap is offensive. 1. The recapper conveniently omits the fact that the Situation repeatedly called Angelina a whore in front of her friends, including a guy she liked, for sleeping with a fraction of the number of people he has slept with. The men on the show repeatedly call her “the staten island dump,” and the situation repeatedly calls her names, describing her as different kinds of rodents. Angelina shouldn’t have hit anybody, but the situation is stunningly misogynistic and crossed the line. 2. Angelina was angry at Snooki for making out with a guy she liked. Snooki was angry at Angelina for having sex with Vinny, whom she had previously been with. Should these women be fighting over men? Absolutely not, but they were fighting for a bad reason, not because they had no reasons. The recapper should have explained that there was a history and motivation behind the fight, but he wanted to present as possible the women as stupid and crazy so he omitted that information and failed to do his very simple job…again. 3. Nobody won the fight, but Angelina did leave as she had planned. The recapper calls her “a dragon,” referencing fairy tales. Perhaps he doesn’t know that the dragon is a common misogynistic metaphor for strong women in fairy tales in different cultures. This show is problematic on dozens of levels. But ew.com, at least get a rapper who isn’t so sexist that he makes the problem even worse. If you didn’t see the show and want to know what happened, you’ll have to look elsewhere.

      • Dee

        oops, I wrote rapper instead of recapper in the last line. It’s strange Freudian slip as I love hip hop culture, but I am critical of sexism wherever I may see it. Whether we’re discussing rapping or recapping, we don’t need more misogyny in popular culture, there’s plenty.

        Do your job, Darren (the recapper) and work out your problematic “situation” with women somewhere else.

      • Ally

        whoa, seriously? It’s JERSEY SHORE…chill.

    • JasmineB

      I agree.

    • DiMi

      I wrote a comment critiquing the recap and the degree to which it omitted anything that happened in the program that explained why the women behaved as they did, and the recapper removed it because it was critical of him. Meanwhile, this insane prostitution-subtext spam is allowed to remain. Is that company paying ew.com to place and leave their spam at the top of all of the comments?

  • NYLA

    This was a damn good recap. One correction though, Snooki did not defeat Angie. If anything it was the other way around. Angie is/was a crazy bitch, but I respect her for understanding that no one in that house are true friends. She was smarter to be a loner than to be delusional enough to consider those people your “family”. And the “men” in that house are some of the biggest bitches on tv today.

    • DiMi

      The men in the house are insanely sexist and I don’t understand why nobody’s addressing it. They bullied Angelina out of that house. I think Angelina is troubled and flawed, but nobody deserves that. This is actually very of bullying against young women: Men/bully a woman with demeaning sexist terms, and if she fights back, she’s “a crazy bitch.” We saw obvious sexist bullying, and the recapper is just piling on with his own sexism instead of addressing it.

      The recapper says Angelina called the situation names, but doesn’t mention that he was calling her terrible names, including whore, hamster, rat, etc. every few minutes.

      • Jason S.

        Completely agree and I’m male. Situation was treating her like dirt. He deserved to be smacked in the face. He was completely humiliating and berating her in front of her friends. And this is after putting a dirty Tampon in her bed. Why? Because she wouldn’t do the dishes and stood up for herself against his misogny.

      • Mike

        But the flip side of this is, Mike can’t hit her but she can hit him? DiMi, while you right about mike being sexist, you fail to miss your reverse sexism by saying he deserved to be slapped. No one should have been touched, or they both should have been. Unless you do in fact believe we are 2 separate genders and should be treated as different.

      • DiMi

        Mike, I DID NOT write that the situation deserved to be slapped. I said Angelina fought back and was punished for it; I was not referring to physical fighting, I was referring to her fighting back verbally. I am against all violence, regardless of gender. Stop projecting YOUR issues about women who hit men onto me. I never said/wrote it was acceptable so don’t accuse me of it. It didn’t happen.

        I made an earlier comment stating that the situation was wrong, but did NOT deserve to be slapped, but the recapper removed it because I was critical of his recap. Again, I oppose all forms of violence regardless of gender. However, it is important to remember that male-female violence remains the dominant form of violence and the severe physical damage of intimate partner violence is overwhelmingly experienced by women. Women tend to slap, which is demeaning and emotionally damaging but not physically as painful. Men are more likely to put women in the hospital or kill them so lets not pretend there’s a balance here.

    • Dan

      It’s not hard for her to understand that those people aren’t her true friends when they tell her that all the time.

    • Shannon

      How is she smart to realize these people aren’t her true friends. Let’s look at this situation realistically and not in the context of the show. She just lost so much money and the world hates her because she couldn’t just get along with 7 people who tried to accept her on two separate occasions. You do realize that’s the reason she came back. She even said her parents and everyone thought she was so stupid because of how popular the show got. So, let’s all stop saying she got bullied when she came back in the house to make good tv.

  • Whayyy

    I agree with NYLA, Snooki did not beat Angelina. How can a first world country be filled with so many ignorant people? I just moved to Astoria from Chicago and I have to put up with guidos all the time.

    • stan

      Funny… You complain about the all of the ignorant people in this country, and yet you seem to have involved yourself in watching this awful show. Pot, meet Kettle.

    • Vince from NYC

      Angelina got her head smashed against a wall twice.. That’s a win for Snookie. FYI, the people you see in Astoria are Greek, “Guido’s” are in Bayside, Howard Beach and Whitestone. The Guido’s helped build the city you moved to. Well their parents and gradnparents did at least so you should go back to Cha-town if you don’t like “putting up” with them. Also the term Guido is derogatory so don’t use it unless you are it. You wouldn’t drop the N word so don’t use the G word!

      • allie

        yeah Vince. I live in bayside. We have enough guidos to full 842912 jersey shore houses. It is sad, really.

    • Dee

      I am African American. I do not use the N-word, and I find it offensive when ANYBODY uses it. I would never use the the “g” word, and I agree that if you are not Italian American – or raised in an Italian American family like Snooki- who is Latina, but adopted by an Italian family – you should NEVER use it, either.

      Let’s not forget that Christopher Columbus, who initiated ALL significant European economic interests in the Americas was Italian. I object to his colonization of Native American land, but let’s not pretend Italian Americans have not played an important role in the development of the country. There is no need for that offensive term. Even if you Italian Americans use it, the rest of us SHOULD NOT USE IT EVER.

      • Dee

        oops I was trying to write young Italian Ameicans, not “you” in the last sentence.

      • Vince from NYC

        I agree with you totally Dee.. Your actually reiterating my point. But she wrote “I just moved to Astoria from Chicago and I have to put up with guidos all the time.” Can you imagine if she wrote the same thing but instead of the G word she used the N word. It would probably be removed from the message board. She would be labled a racist. Just because Itlians are white skinned doesn’t mean it’s ok to call us guidos or any other derogatory term. Early Italian immigrants were lynched by white/Irish americans also, watch the movie Vendetta. Just cause you hear it on TV doesn’t make it ok to say it. I listen to hip-hop all the time but don’t by any means feel I have the right to say the N word. I even replace the word when I rap along. I don’t like when African Americans use it either, but its their choice to do so and for some reason is seen as less offensive.

      • not Snooki

        Really? There is comparison between the N word and Guido. Guido is not nearly as derogotory as some are making it out to be.

      • Dan

        I don’t know if this is a generational thing, but I’m a 23 year old man of Italian decent and I don’t consider the term “guido” derogatory at all. And it’s not like I’m some Jersey Shore-type person or anything. I’ve just never experienced anyone actually using it in derogatory way. Clearly the people on this show don’t. To compare it to the N word is ridiculous.

      • DiMi

        um, dan, several people in the thread you are responding to used the g word in a demeaning way.

        The G word doesn’t have the same history as the N word, which is associated with several centuries of slavery, racist violence, and murder, especially lynching, but it IS still offensive and problematic, and it’s history is associated with demeaning and mocking Italian-Americans. The very existence of this program reveals that the stereotyping of Italian-Americans remains a problem. As a black person who has experienced racism my whole life, I don’t like to see discrimination directed at anybody. Words matter, and the “g” word, when not used by Italian-Americans – is a dangerous one.

      • @DiMi

        You sound like one of those people who can’t possibly pass up an opportunity for self-righteous grandstanding. Or hey, maybe there was a sale on soapboxes at IKEA this week.

  • Chris

    Legend of Zelda 2….get your game references right.

    • lefty

      Not Ocarina of Time (my fave!)

    • silverrose

      @chris & lefty

      your both right
      @Darren Franich
      please never reference jersey shore to zelda again.

  • seriously

    best line of the episode was definitely snooki’s “if you wanna make out with me, just ask! i will say yes.” that’s a type of self awareness only snooki can pull off. also, i love pauly and his girlfriend, they’re cute and it makes him seem like a good guy. maybe i have a crush on him now…

    btw, “sammi spent the whole episode in front of the mirror straightening her hair.” darren you’re fantastic. maybe i have a crush on you too!

    • Qupert

      I think the best quote was when Snooki looked dead serious into the camera and said “I am NOT going on Match.com. Again.”
      bwaahaaahaaa

      • Ally

        LOL..Snookie is hilarious. I like how on her dislike list it says just “people” hahaha

  • Elizabeth

    Thank you Darren…

    I love how you’ve pegged Sitch perfectly.

  • JS

    Anglina may be a bitch but talk about double standards! It’s OK for the guys to hook up with multiple girls in the same day/week but when she does it she’s a whore. Also, why do they call her fat and not Snooki? I like Snooks, but she is not any thinner than Angelina! Vinny and the others were so mean to her on the after show, I actually felt bad for her.

    • Rasha

      THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for talking about the double standard!!! It completely pissed me off that all the guys are getting commended for sleeping with as many girls as they can and thinking that it’s completely fine, but when Angelina does it, she gets called names! It’s wrong for girls AND guys and they need to realized that.

      • Rasha

        My bad! I meant to say “realize”!

    • Dee

      Thank you. I totally agree the double standard is so intense that they actually drove Angelina from the house with it. It bothers me that the recapper didn’t even bother to mention it.

      • SaraS

        The recapper didn’t bother reveal ANYthing important about the episode. I felt the exact same way as all of you. The only time in the episode I felt good was when JWow bonded with Angelina over the a-hole Situation can be. Everything else was evil. So, so mean.

    • etm

      Do you notice how much fatter Snooki looks in these episodes than in the show’s opening credits. She really ballooned since last year. Moooo. Also, Snooki is a little, orange hypocrite for calling Angelina a whore. Snooki would be bringing guys home too, if she wasn’t so repulsive.

  • Erin

    My fave line, from Vinny…”The Canadian wanted to see what The Situation was all abote”.

    • coledes

      and before that, mike got a canadian, eh?

    • Ray

      aboot, not abote

  • JC

    Pauly D needs his own TV spin off. Best character hands down. No drama, just funny.

    • Mr. Holloway

      THIS x 1000. Not only that, but (gasp!) he’s actually shown display for a woman for more than 15 minutes.

      • Mr. Holloway

        shown respect*

    • etm

      Yes, I love Pauly D. He really is funny, like when he told his chick he felt like the luckiest girl in the world too. It’s funny when he sings too.

  • Madge

    i will really miss angelina She’s as awful as jwow without being so scary.

  • tracy bluth

    Hey, at least Sammi left her bed this episode!
    Don’t forget that Vinny’s shirt that was so fresh it had DEFIED T-shirt TIME!

    • Mr. Holloway

      I don’t believe Sammi even spoke until there were two minutes left in this episode…and I was totally ok with that.

  • Ap

    Angelina did herself in. The aftershow showed how two-faced she is and she still denied it.

  • jello

    Best recap ever ever!!!! lol lol lol

  • Katie P.

    This recap was absolutely brilliant. Bravo.

    • Mr. Holloway

      Any “Jersey Shore” recap finds a way to reference “The Cider House Rules” is alright by me!

      • amy

        agreed. That made me crack up.

      • tracy bluth

        Never thought those two would ever be referenced together…what’s next? “You see, Mike is clearly Simon Birch and Pauly is Joe”?

  • rere

    I laughed like crazy when Ronnie was talking about Snookie being like a TRex with short arms,etc..
    omg! It’s a wonder if Angelina really has any friends after they
    watch the show..and that boyfriend?
    I bet when she runs out of money he’ll be gone…

    • Mr. Holloway

      I preferred Ronnie’s comment about how fighting Snooki was like beating up a baby.

    • Ray

      enjoy that moment of Ronnie brilliance in a “even a blind squirrel” sort of way

    • GinaBallerina

      I preferred his imitation of Angelina when they asked her to come out with them: “‘I’m going to decide for myself’…what does that mean? What are you even talking about?”
      Man, Ronnie sure was funny last night for being such a tool so far this season!

    • Moose

      Even better was the promo for Ronnie’s MTV interview:

      “If you could punch anyone, living or dead, who would it be?”
      Ronnie: “Living”

      Ahhhh the dangerous (but comic gold) combined effect of steroids, self-tanner and tattoo ink on the mentally challenged…

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