'The Real Housewives of D.C.' recap: 'It's vewwwwy serious!'

Image Credit: Adam Olszweski/BravoThe next time my favorite character—admittedly not a stiff competition—feels the urge to jump across the table and smack Tareq upside the head I just assume he go for it. The episode opened with the slurry conclusion of the Salahi feast. Tareq huffed and puffed about the supposed theft of his $90,000 car (dude totally parked it in Sparkle’s barn) and his assortment of polo mallets. Never fear the FBI is on the case and they have been “monzerrrrring” Lolly for months, according to Tareq. Michaele smiled brightly while swearing the whole situation was very devastating. Think about the charities! Mary sat there dumbfounded, tears streaming down her face. Stacie and Jason tried to knock some sense into the Salahis’ conjoined heads.”I’m wiz you Jazon,” slurred Tareq. Jason, who probably needed a glass of water himself by this point in the evening, looked ready to blow up. “No you’re not with me because you don’t have a daughter,” he said. “If anybody was talking about my daughter I’d be over top of this table on your ass so quick.” Do it!

Turns out Lolly did post something vaguely incriminating on Facebook. What that was remains a mystery, though it seemed pretty clear that the FBI most certainly wasn’t involved and the season finale isn’t going to involve a tearful goodbye as the girl is carted off to the big house. Rich, whose swooping hair is like a thing of art, fumed that Tareq broke all sorts of man rules by attacking his wife and impugning their child. Depending on how many pints of microbrew he’s had he may throw down with the man on their next encounter. Lolly, who strikes me as amongst the more reasonable of Housewives spawn, told her parents to chill. “Guys, there’s no point. That’s exactly what they want. They want the attention. Don’t give them the attention.” Ding, ding, ding!

Edwina Rogers scares me. Is she part vampire? Is she D.C.’s answer to Kim G.? She invited Cat to lunch and ooh boy do those two women hate each other. Cat wanted to know who was going to pay for the $23,000 worth of medical bills she’s racked up in the last 18 months. (Good lord woman, heal thyself.) Edwina wanted to know if she’d bring her cute, connected husband to her little lobbyist party. There was much horrible cackling at each other’s expense.  Cat did end up attending the party, and she thought it would be heh-larious to go dressed as Sarah Palin. It was a rather dour affair–with sad plates of celery and broccoli sprigs and Michaele bouncing around on her platform heels telling everyone that she loved them and that yes, one’s credibility is sacred and must be cherished at all costs. Cat tried to pick a fight with Michaele’s sharp-tongued assistant and then another with Michaele’s hot pink dress. Jason and Stacie were once again the only likable people in the room. It appeared that Edwina suffered from an attack of vertigo and was forced to leave her shindig early, although for all we know that was some random stranger wrapped up on the ambulance cart.

I’m not sure that the tight ponytail in an 80s scrunchie is a good look for Lynda. And I remain a little unclear on why her adult children are all still living with her. That said, Lynda and Ebong are adorable together. I nearly swooned at the sight of him in his Harry Potter scarf.

Well Housewives hags, is the D.C. season growing on you at all? Why are Cat’s shoulders so impossibly small? At this point are we all just waiting for the Salahis’ necessary comeuppance? Is the only driving force of this season the promise of schadenfreude?