Last night’s episode began with a fight between two people who have no reason to hate each other. It ended with a night-vision makeout sesh between two people who have every reason to hate each other. Angelina called her boy toy “Daddy.” Snooki’s man-bot called her “Mommy.” When Vinny heard that his girl-crush worked at Hooters, he proudly noted, “She’s a classy girl.” Jose told Angelina to behave, so she decided not to. Life is topsy-turvy. Left is right. Right is wrong. The Situation summed it up sagely: “F—ing Santa Claus is dead.”
At one point, the camera lingered on Ronnie victoriously thrusting his pelvis into the back of Sammi’s head, while Sammi flashed us a confused stare. Some day, far in the future, alien robots from space will sift through the wreckage of our civilization. And they will find that video. And they will say: “That…was America.
In the aftermath of the great Jenni/Sammi showdown, hair extensions and fingernails and sandwiches were scattered everywhere. It looked like Ke$ha exploded in the kitchen. Sammi said the fight was “the best accomplishment that I’ve had in a long time.” (We really need to improve our school system.) Ronnie decided to sweep his lady love off her feet to celebrate her triumphant divorce from reality. “Honeydoll,” I imagine him saying, “You put on your skimpiest dress, and I’ll put on my crappiest T-shirt, and we’re gonna go to a nice restaurant!” Not satisfied with her terrible relationship, Sammi struck up an awful friendship with Angelina. They had a conversation which I kid you not was literally this:
Angelina: “I’m you’re realest friend here.”
Sammi: “I am a real person. 100% real.”
Angelina: “You’re real. I’m real.”
Sammi: “Real. Real? Real!”
In the opposing trenches, JWoww and Snooki put on their Outbreak costumes and cleaned out the Community Smush Room. JWoww claimed that there had been at least 20 hook-ups in the room. Just imagine what sort of fun bacterial diseases are being born within those green walls! Hyper-Mega-Sypherrhea, anyone?
Other Vital Observations From the Mushroom Kingdom:
-Jenni gets ever so lonely when Shnookums gets her smush on. She begged Dennis for a juicehead, just so she could have someone to talk to. But the juicehead was a “Grenade Gr—-l Ch—e.” (I probably don’t have to censor those words. But I feel like I should. Kids: ask the internet.) JWoww wouldn’t even deign to carry on a conversation with such a Morlock.
-Lest you think only men were being objectified last night, Pauly D was horrified by one girl’s herpified lip. Why does anyone ever willingly appear on this show? Alcohol is a hell of a drug.
-Pauly D is only on the show for one reason: ludicrous googly-eyed reaction shots.
-Throwaway line that deserves to be a new catchphrase: “Dancing like Spanish people.”
-The girl from Hooters looked exactly like JWoww between the stomach and the neck.
-JWoww got all “History Will Absolve Me” when she was trying to explain her actions, insisting that Sammi will feel sorry “When the truth comes out.” But hasn’t the truth already come out? What is truth? Alcohol is a hell of a drug.
- The Situation’s Sister won’t leave. I’m getting bad vibes. Stephanie Pratt vibes.
-Angelina thinks she’s the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, but Vinny insists that she’s the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island. I hate everything in the sentence I just wrote.
-Also, Vinny kissed Angelina.
Viewers, what fascinated/disgusted/titillated/twitterpated you last night? Do you think Ronnie’s muscles get in the way when he’s playing Big Buck Hunter? Don’t we all want diamond-studded hairbands for Christmas? Is Santa really dead, or is he just rebranding? Sound off below!
Team Jwoww. I loathe Angelia and Sammi.
try team SNOOKI
No one wants to be Team Angelia?
lol
Anyone else wish it was just about Jenni and Snooki? With appearances by Mike’s reaction shots, of course.
me…me…me
@tracy bluth…
YES, YES, YES…Snooki’s ridiculous, and funny comments with Jenni’s reactions. They need their own show past the Jersey Shore with Mike and Pauly, the other four are disposable.
Definitely. I absolutely hated Snooki at first, but honestly, she’s the best reason to watch the show. She’s hilarious. Almost funny enough to make me think she’s not actually a complete idiot.
tracy bluth-
TOTALLY agree. I was actually saying out loud while watching last night’s episode how much more fun they were to watch, whether they were discussing Snooki’s “tan” ethnicity or J-Woww was almost suffocating herself under that plastic.
On the other hand, I cannot stand to watch Ronnie and Sammi anymore.
No one cares about this crap.
then why are YOU taking the time to comment?
Agreed! Sammi sucks and she’s so stupid she makes Snooki look super intelligent.
I’m on Team JWOWW too. Sammi said she won that fight with JWOWW and how she kicked her butt. Looks to me like everyone was trying to keep JWOWW from getting to Sammi because she would have mopped the floor with her. Sammi is stupid.
Also I loved the comment about Santa rebranding.. I almost fell out of my chair laughing.
EXACTLY.
Agreed! Everyone got in the way so Sammi got a bunch of cheap shots in while JWOWW wasn’t free enough to defend herself. I hate when I see that. If your going to break up a fight then hold them both down equally or let them fight. I like to see Sammi and JWOWW go a couple of rounds without any interference.
Landing a few punches on someone who is being held back by at least two people does NOT equal kicking someone’s a$$.
Team JWOWW. I am just wondering what fight Sammi thinks she kicked ass in. I saw her get 2 shots in all while the boys held Jwoww down.Not only is SAMMI PATHETIC she is also delusional.
THAT is exactly what happened! Jwoww would have beat the crap out of Sammi! I can’t stand Sammi. she’s so pathetic! she destroyed her friendships for a loser who uses her. idiot! really.. a jwoww, snooki show would be great. with some pauly and mike thrown in.
That’s the something I said ! I wish Jenny didn’t have on those freaking heels so she could have whooped Sammie ass. I hate how big headed she got just because she pulled a little hair and had Ron big cheating ass sticking up for her. Sammie makes my brain hurt.
There’s only one team here folks – TEAM V.D.! MORONS!!!!
I’m player-manager of that team.
Team JWoww and Snookie definitely. I think JWoww meant that when the show aired and people see what happened Sammi would look like an idiot. Which she does.
That’s what I read into JWOWW comments too. The cameras were going to reveal the truth. And just look at this comment board. Sammi and Ronnie are douches and everyone knows it.
that is how I read it too. and sammi totally looks like the moron she is.
JWOWW totally won that round. As a girl I would NOT want to be in a fight with her, she could easily kick my ass so much it would fall off. I love JWOWW and Snooki, I also like Vinnie. Drop everyone except them and Situation and Pauly D. I can’t believe I just called someone ‘Situation’ hahaha
All of these awful reality people and all of their fans are completely retarded. It’s no wonder Americans are considered to be among the dumber countries.
american is not a country, thanks.
Shhhh, just let the irony stand out there…
all Sammi does is sleep and pout. If she and Ron are getting along, she’s a diff person. But as soon as he doesnt kiss her a$$, she goes back to the pity party. J woww is the best. She minds her own business and she’s cool. She was trying to be a friend to Sammi and bc Sammi didnt want to break up with Ron even though he makes her look like a dumb dumb , she got mad at Jenni to deflect the blame from him. If she says ” I’m done” one more time, I think I’ll puke. Believe me, you’re not done. You’re stupid. And by the way- Jenny kicked your a$$. HA!!!
Don’t you mean Sammi and Rob Kardashian… LOL
Sammi is an idiot.
I can’t believe Sammie went back with Ronnie after that. I think Angelia is a trouble maker.
LOL…Kris Allen is cute. He has a nice tight butt.
I can’t believe Sammy is such an idiot that she thinks she tied or worse won that fight. Damn I wished the boys would not have held Jenny’s hands and let her whip that bitch!
What a ruckus! LOL
Everyone is LYING…lol
How Dare they cut that episode without showing us the morning after?!?!?! JWoww had every right to ditch that guy; and props to Snooki for ridding them of the Grenade AND still getting her smoosh on.
Girls can be playas too.
I don’t like Sammie…Now she is acting like she is the shiit.
I love Vinnie.
Angelia..YUCK!
sammi is such an idiot. can jenni please beat her up again?
I know Ronnie was blocking. Now Sammie is acting like she is the Queen Bee. She is the DUMBEST BITCH.
Yes let them fight again without interference.
Sammi would die. We would all be happy.
Pay-per-view anyone? I’d pay to see Sammie get stomped…..
I’d pay $49.99 to watch that!
(Well, no I wouldn’t, but I’d get a group of five friends to each put in $10…that sounds more realistic.)
the good news is that my crush on ron is officially over.
Thank God! I was worried about you.
Congratulations! Welcome to the good side.
Good for you, wish I could say the same.
I thought I was over it, but then I immediately went back to him.
@ KP I think it was the lack of back abs shots. Next week I’ll probably go back to him.
Ah, I think you’re right…we were woefully underserved last night. But as long as Sammi lives in her bed, we can safely count on more Ronnie back shots.
KP-
(Sigh) Just don’t turn around…he’s behind you humping your head right now and you don’t even realize it.
In the words of Sammi…
Ronnie, where have you been all my life??
I can’t believe I used to actually like that guy. In season 1, I actually felt sorry for him (when Sammi was being a pain) and I used to consider him one of the most levelheaded people in the house. (Shows what I know.)
Right there with you Mr. H. I thought they were such a great couple and he was such a good guy–he sure had me fooled! Don’t beat yourself up too hard–he got everyone fooled!
The true colors have definitely come out. I was the same way with season 1. Couldn’t stand Mike and felt bad for Ronnie. Now Ronnie is a d-bag and Mike seems level-headed and mature, even though he is banging chicks left and right. At least he isn’t abusive.
And Mike can cook….gotta love a man that can do that!!
Don’t feel bad. It’s all scripted anyway.
Snooki should’nt talk…she IS Spanish.
“Cook tacos”?
Finding out Snookie was Chilean was like finding out Santa Clause is Jewish.
Of course tonight I found out that Santa Claus is dead. Damn you Sitch!
Yes…this confused me too.
She was born in Chile but then was adopted, she is in fact Spanish, but she grew up in an Italian home surrounded by its “culture”, so technically she more Italian than Hispanic.
She is TAN
J-Woww is half South American and half Middel Eastern.
Race:
Other (Tan)…too funny!
@M&M – Pssst! Someone born in Chile is CHILEAN, not Spanish.
Sammie is acting like she is a tough bee-otch. She is SICKENING.
Agreed! I told my husband I wish I could punch her face through the screen acting like that!
I nearly did, my poor TV
“It looked like Ke$ha exploded in the kitchen.” LMAO! Great recap!
HA- I miss Annie’s photos, but Darren’s recaps are awesome.
Best Jersey Shore recap in a long time! I miss the Sleez & Annie’s photo-recap was “illuminating” but this was meaty, funny & pretty dead-on! Sammi “Sweetheart” aka Sammi “Beat Tart” you make me wish I wasn’t a woman! Jersey Shore is TV heroin: you know it’s bad for you but you go back for more!
Sammi and Ron deserve each other..They are both idiots. Nothing like a douche to cleanse that grime
Pretty, stupid people go on to make pretty stupid babies! They are MFEO
How pathetic is it that anyone thinks this is newsworthy?
Considering you are on an entertainment website and you commented…..YOU DO!!!!!!!!!
Check aaaaaand mate.
Umm.. well this is not CNN.. sooooo… it’s ET news!! go read the beeb if you want some NEWS!
How annoying was it when Sammi told the ice cream guy that “this is the worst day of my life” b/c she had to work w/ Jenni? Give me a break you ignorant slut
That guy was SO NOT INTERESTED.
Very sad and pathetic person she is. and Jwoww was just not caring and going on about her biz like Sammi wasn’t there. ha!
I’m still trying to figure out why Sammie has such a problem with Jenni. If I was Snooki and Jenni I wouldn’t have told Sam that I wrote the note either. I mean what would have been the point ? She would have either not believed them or worse go back to Ron after he called her a bit*h, cu*t, and everything else under the sun and pretend like he’s really showing that he cares because they go to some cheesy restaurant. Sam is dumb. I’ve never seen something so crazy in my life lol. If she never wanted to know what was going on she shouldn’t have been running around the house asking people to tell her what Ron was doing at the club.