'Jersey Shore' recap: 'I just drank cigarettes.'

jersey-shore-episode-6Image Credit: MTVWhen last night’s episode began with Snooki taking off her sombrero just long enough to vom her cigarette into the bushes while accidentally mooning the camera, you probably figured you and Jersey Shore were in for a quiet night. (Maybe you opened up a bottle of rosé, or turned on some light jazz.) After that act of splendid debasement, Shnookums decided she needed a bed with a man in it. First, she tried Pauly’s bed…but it was too hair gel-y. Second, she tried The Situation’s bed…but it was too six-packy. Finally, she tried Vinny’s bed… and it was juuuussst right. Little did Snooki realize that Vinny is DTS, which means “Down to Snuggle” and is “STD” backwards. Smushing ensued. By way of play-by-play, Snooki gifted us this nightmare: “It’s like putting a watermelon in a pinhole.”

So far, so silly. But viewers, what followed was a true tale of humanity, of misunderstood motives, of sister turning against sister. It was a tragedy of errors. See, Sammi is angry at Ronnie for being the worst boyfriend since anyone who has ever dated Snooki. She’s also angry at her housemates for lying to her. But she’s especially angry at the Mystery Note-Writer — who, remember, actually told her the truth — because they weren’t brave enough to tell her the truth in person. Meanwhile, JWoww is angry at Ronnie for being a doucheboat. But she’s even more angry at Sammi for not standing up for herself more.

Hence, Ronnie – essentially, this season’s villain – was reduced to squealing in the corner like an impotent henchman during last night’s big fights. (Ronnie is basically the Ross of Jersey Shore. “I was f—ing single!” = “We were on a break!” Also, Vinny is Chandler, Pauly D is Joey, Snooki is Phoebe, and I’ve lost interest.) Of course, we all know that Sammi is really just mad at Sammi, and JWoww is only mad at JWoww. At episode’s end, that was JWoww grabbing her own hair, and Sammi slapping her own face. Anger is just depression turned outwards. I think I read that on a fortune cookie. That was a really serious fortune cookie.

What else happened? Oh, the Situation briefly pulled off his Bruce Wayne mask to reveal the Batman within. He told Sammi, straight to her face, that Ronnie was “One Hundred Percent Wrong.” Thanks, Uncle Situation! He then brought a girl home. (Did anyone else notice that The Situation’s hook-up shirt is the same color as the bedroom walls?) “She definitely went to college,” he said proudly, sounding like a fisherman who just caught a swordfish who went to college.

Other important observations from the disgusting land of beautiful people:

-Sammi is quiet and has no self-esteem. Angelina is loud and has no self-esteem. Together, they are the Low Self-Esteem Theater.

-Snooki takes notes using a blue highlighter.

-When the girls cooked dinner, Pauly D sang to Situation, “How does it feel/not having to cook this Sunday meal,” to the tune of “Blue Monday.” He’s a DJ!

-This week’s Least Embarrassing Person is Vinny, who made up for all the smushing antics with this line about his fake bling, directed at JWoww: “It’s like your t—. Looks sick, but it’s fake.”

-Lest you think he’s cynical, Vinny followed that up with a line that could very well be the thesis of Jersey Shore: “With this spray-tan, this chain, and this fitted, how could she not love me?” Translation for normals: “With my fake skin, my fake nice things, and this baseball cap I had specially fitted to cover my receding hairline, how could another human being not understand who I really am?”

-Also, Pauly D kissed Angelina. Pardon me, readers, I have to remove my sombrero and vom my cigarette into the bushes.

PopWatchers, did any of you stick around for the Jersey Shore After Hours? Isn’t it adorable when the Julissa-bot tries to use emotions? Is Ronnie’s inability to self-realize evidence that he is actually a character out of a Greek Tragedy, whereas The Situation more closely resembles a Shakespearean fool? Will JWoww’s bountiful silicon help or hurt her in a catfight situation? For smushes’ sakes, sound off below!

@EWDarrenFranich

Comments (124 total) Add your comment
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  • J420

    Let the bitchfights commence!

  • johnny

    What an epic recap. I lol’d a few times. I hope popwatch pays you good money, Darren.

    • Scooter

      agreed! loved the ‘Snooki-locks’ allusion. clever.

    • I Got Brains

      You’re joking, right? Please use an emoticon in the future so that I know you’re being sarcastic. This was short and didn’t cover the best parts.

  • Dean

    Good read after Slezak’s dour, too serious recaps. Loved seeing everything come to a head and the fists start flying. That’s the Jersey Shore I know and love. How odd was it to see Mike talk to pathetic Sammi like a real person? We’re so used to seeing him being a character. One correction Darren, I think Snooki was writing with sidewalk chalk.

    • Definte

      Definitely sidewalk chalk which was hilarious.

    • RM

      No, it was a huge highlighter. It was one of those new ones that work like a pen. When it wasn’t working well, they handed her a smaller highlighter, but it was definitely a blue highlighter.

    • I’mRightYou’reWrong

      No, it was DEFINITELY a big blue Crayola sidewalk chalk.

    • tracy bluth

      It was totes sidewalk chalk.

      • Fer sure…

        totes McGotes…Sidewalk chalk. You can see the Crayola stamp on the side.

    • Ap

      Yup…it was the chalk they use for the board in the house. Who knew it transferred that well on paper.

    • dabbygag

      It was Chalk. The End.

    • Mandee

      def sidewalk chalk!

      • jmp528

        I am pretty sure Snooki wrote “tomatU” as the first ingredient on her grocery list.

  • Lorie

    Aw! Not bad, but bring back Kristen Baldwin. She’s hilarious!

    • yesyes

      it was annie doing them before. but, both are equally hilarious so i can see the mix up.

      • marie

        I miss the girl (Annie?) who wrote the column for the last couple of weeks. Her thoughts + screenshots were just as entertaining as watching the show.

  • Anthony

    I just need to know one thing: what the f.uck is wrong with Sammi?

    • kahuna

      Nothing is wrong with Sammi. This is a scripted reality show and she’s just acting out the scenarios handed to he by the producers. In real life, a gorgeous girl like that wouldn’t follow around a low life like Ron like a kicked dog. She would first see if he really loved her by trying to make him jealous. In real life, if Ron was going to cheat on Sammi, he wouldn’t do it front of Sammi’s girl friends who live in the same house. He’d be more stealth about it.

      • Jen

        you are giving Ronnie way too much credit.

      • Caryn

        Hmm…I don’t know about that…I think a lot of women no matter how gorgeous or not you are has been in a situation where they have chased a guy around who dogs them. Maybe that’s just my observation–but I think it’s a matter of maturity and Sammi said it last night ‘I didn’t want to believe it.’

      • Karate Pants

        Actually kahuna, in real life a ‘gorgeous’ girl like Sammi WOULD follow around a low life like Ron like a kicked dog. Happens all the time, how have you NOT seen this phenomena??
        And I agree with Jen – giving Ronnie WAY too much credit. He’s simple, not stealthy.

      • tracy bluth

        Yeah, kahuna, I think you’re giving Ron too much credit. Remember, he didn’t go to college (because of those tests!).
        Did anyone else notice Ron has back abs? Ugh I wish I didn’t find him attractive.

      • Karate Pants

        tracy, I spent much of last week’s post lamenting the very same thing! There’s just something…I’ve even had a dream (nightmare?) about him. It’s horrifying.

      • kahuna

        What all of you above are missing is that this show is SCRIPTED. Ron and Sam stopped “seeing” each other before the reunion show last year. There was never a real relationship. They only started back up because of the new season. And for the record, I was just as beautiful as Sam when I was her age. (see evidence at carbloversdiet.com – that’s my picture on the home page at age 56, imagine what I looked like at 20), and I never let any guy punk me like that because I always turned heads on my own. I’m sure that Sam turns heads too, but they don’t show that.

      • Kahuna’s A Big Fat Fake!

        ha ha ha – kahuna the spammer discredits herself by pimping her website.
        And you’re here to convince us of what’s “real”? Oh, the irony!

      • Mr. Holloway

        Sammi’s the worst.

        The only way she’d be turning heads this season is if they brought guys by the house and gave them a tour that included a stop by Sammi’s bed, which is where she’s spent 80% of her time this year.

      • @ Kahuna’s a big fat fake

        I don’t give a darn if you go to my website at all. I’m not a spammer. I post on a lot of reality show blogs on this website and have done so for a couple of years. This is the first and only time that I ever posted my website. The only reason I posted that website is because my website has my picture on it. If I had not posted proof of my own good looks, then you would have said, yeah sure. Anybody on the internet can say they look good. You just can’t stand it because I’m 56 and I probably look better than you do. Or at the very least look better than you will if and when you get to be my age.

      • Kahuna’s A Big Fat Fake!

        no, you’re a spammer. why in the world would showing people photos of how you look or looked have anything to do with a Jersey Shore message board. that’s weird. maybe you’re weird.

      • KCC

        shut up Kahuna! Your jealous because you cant go back to the way you looked in your supposed “glory days”. Congrats, your 56 commenting on Jersey Shore recap pages trying to have people look at your picture….weirdo

      • @ Kahuna’s a big fat fake

        I’m finished with you. You are apparently too young and immature to get it.

      • Kahuna’s A Big Fat Fake

        you say you’ve been on these blogs for years. did you ever see anyone else mention their website and tell people to go look at pictures of themselves? just spammers.
        maybe you’re too old to get it.
        i’m done with you too. you’re weird.

      • jj

        Isn’t there about Ronnie and Sammy types… “Hot girls with dbags.” some girl like to be treated like garbage. sad but true. Pretty girls with low, low self esteem.

    • ani

      I dont care as much that she is still hanging onto Ronnie. It’s pathetic, but whatever. What gets to me is that she is directing all of her anger at the letter writer and at JWoww. She is such an idiot.

      • Denise

        Yes, but that’s how girls are! The queens of misdirected anger. Ever notice how if they catch their man cheating, they get mad at the gal he’s cheating with instead of him? It’s stupid.

      • dee

        Sammi is such a dope. She’s angry because she wants to be with Ronnie and the truth makes it oh so hard. Seeing the Situation give her the truth straight-up was nice. Seeing Sammi STILL with Ronnie on the after show…vomit-inducing.

      • Mr. Holloway

        EXACTLY.

        The best/worst thing is that no one was really mad at Ronnie last night!!!

        Sammi is mad at the letter writer and J-Woww is mad at Sammi for being a doormat.

      • Joe

        I noticed it too and I love how Ronnie is in the background instigating so Sammi can focus more on who wrote the the note rather than what’s in it.

  • Julz

    “doucheboat”? Brilliant.

  • J Go

    Best recap yet! I think you got Barrett beat by a mile and Slezak by 20.

  • J Go

    Oh, and I also love that we didn’t have to wait until like 2 PM for this to be posted. :-)

  • Elizabeth

    Please keep rotating the Jersey Shore recap duties – this has been fun!

    • Elizabeth

      Darren: I don’t think Ronnie would qualify as a doucheboat, per the Popwatch definition. Doesn’t there have to be at least one redeemable quality to the person in question? Pierced nips and a tat aren’t that spectacular…

    • Mr. Holloway

      Ha! If they did that, I’d love to get Doc Jensen’s theories on this show.

      • marie

        @Mr. Holloway, that would be awsome!

  • DF

    Yeah, I dont think The Situation was talking about her brains. I think she double-majored in funbags.

    • Rachel

      My boyfriend had to tell me what The Situation was talking about. I find it pretty disgusting that a girl would do that to a guy in a cab, or any other public place. Especially to a guy she just met. Where do they find these girls?

      • Clueless

        ?????????????? What happened in the cab???

      • Andy F.

        1. I also had to explain it to my bf.
        2. Don’t knock the cab situation, it can be very hot.

      • jk

        Clueless – it means she performed or*l s e x on him in the cab. “Brain so good, coulda sworn you went to college.” I hate myself for knowing that.

      • stacy

        i blame TI for knowing that one.

      • marie

        @jk: thanks for explaining. I didn’t know that. I thought he was talking about her boobs haha. Now her actions at the house make more sense; I couldn’t understand why she sat there waiting for him to get back into the room so they could ‘smush’

    • Mr. Holloway

      I hate to be mean, but really…no one is going to point out the fact that The Situation hooked up with someone who was probably a grenade (and arguably a hippo)?! (And that’s not even counting the tranny!)

      • Karate Pants

        HOW are you able to distinguish??
        They all look like the same mess of acrylic nails, herpes, daddy issues, booty shorts, and hoop earrings to me.

      • Mr. Holloway

        KP-

        Fair point, and you’re actually touching on what I mean…how does THE SITUATION distinguish between the same mess of acrylic nails, herpes, daddy issues, booty shorts and hoop earrings (and implants).

        I just don’t get how he can label some of the girls grenades, but the girl he hooked up with last night was, um, hot(?!?!)

      • ani

        HEY…do NOT knock hoop earrings.

      • Mr. Holloway

        Sorry ani. I’m sure you pull them off magnificently. :)

      • Karate Pants

        Arrrghhh! ha ha ha

      • tracy bluth

        Agree Karate Pants. During last week’s episode, I thought Kristin or Christina or whatever her name was was the hippo, not her friend.

      • ani

        sighh…a girl can dream. but alas, my ears are too small and cannot provide the platform that hoop earrings truly deserve. life sucks.

      • Karate Pants

        No, ani – this is GOOD.
        Celebrate your freakishly small Shrek ears, and that they have kept you from the societal judgments that are made about hoop earring-wearers. Your deformity is a gift.

    • dee

      “Brain” is slang for oral sex. Surprised the recapper missed that. So the Situation’s comment was obviously that she had performed it on him and it was darn good – i.e. brains so good she must have went to college.

  • Janet

    OMG Your sarcasm is brilliant!!! Thank you for recaping crazy town perfectly.

    • Mr. Holloway

      Exactly. That’s how you have to approach this show.

      No one takes this seriously (even the people involved) and, even though I miss the pictures, this recap has JUST the right tone.

  • jessica

    that recap was amazing…but i think snooks was writing with a piece of chalk as big as vinny’s watermelon, not a highlighter.

    • marie

      HAHAHA

  • brilliant

    Yo, I read some of Annie’s, and I’m sure you love her, but hers don’t hold a candle to this right here. Bravo! Encore!

  • Jade

    I miss the photo recap!! This was good, but the photo recaps were better.

    • tracy bluth

      Agree. How can there not being any photos of The Situation’s amazing reaction shots?

  • Karate Pants

    “Pinhole”? Snooki? I HIGHLY doubt it. More likely a ragged, cavernous, pit of doom.
    Vinnie, I hope NO ONE allows you to forget this.

    • SK

      HAHAHA LOVE IT.

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