'Dating in the Dark' season premiere: A photo recap

If you stuck it out for two hours of ABC’s Bachelor Pad, chances are you hung around for at least 30 seconds of the season premiere of Dating in the Dark. You remember this show, right? New cast each episode; three guys and three girls feel around in the darkness and occasionally converse to see if they like each other’s “personalities”? No? That’s probably for the best. This show is a total crapfest that I’m thinking can best be recapped via pictures. Ironic, don’t you think? Because they’re in the dark.

Natasha wins this week’s prestigious Best Euphemism for “Unemployed” award.

Joey, 31, is the villain of the episode. He’s just sitting there and you already hate him, especially his most prized possession: his hair. Joey thinks his hair looks awesome.

Kym, 27, should consider washing her hair. Warning, guys: Kym only likes men with perfect teeth! And yet these are her teeth.

By the way, the interior decoration of this house is insane. Here’s host Rossi Morreale explaining this “most unusual dating experiment.” Marvel at the strange orange pineapple/container behind him. A true hidden gem!

Hideous wall art for a hideous “man.”

Seriously, what is going on with the decor? You know we can see this, right, ABC? Not every scene occurs in the dark. Show some respect.

Finally! They’re dating in the dark. The introductions are as awkward as they seem.

Ewwwwwwwwwwww. Joey: “I did the Ray Charles wrist check so I could see if they were thin or they were heavy. I felt Natasha’s wrist and felt it was plump, and I was just kind of turned off, for me.”

The anti-plump crusade continues as Joey checks Natasha’s waist for extra, or rather any body fat during the first few seconds of their one-on-one date.

And she’s delighted! “I don’t think Joey’s a bad guy,” says Natasha the fatty. “I think it shows that he’s a bit more clueless than rude, and I just think that’s endearing.”

Joey demonstrates the dimensions of Natasha’s grotesque “inner tube” of flesh for the other two guys. Tragically for viewers, he is not about to drown.

To add insult to injury, Natasha’s best friend, Tatiana, reveals in a video diary that Natasha is a vegetarian for ethical reasons! “No wayyyyy. No, no, no.” Joey is devastated. A “fat” vegetarian, huh? I mean, what are the chances?

Natasha’s one-on-one date with Dave, the 26-year-old PR guy, went a bit better. Here she is overdoing it after Dave unleashed his secret weapon — his sense of humor — by making a hilarious joke. Natasha said she used to be “on keys” in her school band, and Dave shot back, “Which means ‘keyboard,’ right? YOU DIDN’T JUST JINGLE KEYS?”

No, silly! I didn’t just jingle keys! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I’m about to fall over!

Meanwhile, tall Kym makes the best zombie of the group. “Oh, God,” she mutters in disgust upon realizing Joey is five inches shorter than her.

Natasha overacts AGAIN upon hearing Rossi’s big news that they would now get to view the results of the compatibility tests. “Perfect!” she squeals. But it’s not.

Kym delivers the most sensible line of the night: “Look how stupid our names look together.”

Storm is zombie Kym’s knight in shiny gold hoop earring armor at the start of their compatibility date. Uh-oh. Are man-jewels a deal breaker, ladies?

…you deceptive, nice-personality-having jackass.

Yeah, Joey! Gotta booze it up for your compatibility date with a giant flotation device, bro.

Joey and Natasha’s compatibility date is just more of the same. This time he feels her entire midsection to make sure his snap judgment that she was huge had been correct. “Natasha, will you please stand up so I can get an idea of your full figure?”

And she’s okay with it! “I’ll be honest, I thought you were a little thicker than that,” Joey admits. But he’s still not sure and embarks on a thorough belly check. “You’re feeling my tummy?” she asks, bewildered. “Abso-LUTE-ly!” he announces, proud as can be. I’m amazed she’s still in the room.

After Joey describes his painful experience with an ex-girlfriend who “blew up like a tick” and assured Natasha that it was okay if she’d ever been heavy before as long as bulimia or the gym will keep her fit for the long run, it slowly begins to dawn on Natasha that Joey is a huge asshole.

There it is.

One of Natasha’s eyes takes a bit longer to catch up.

Jerk.

Yay! Kym decided to look past Storm’s earring (or in this case, screw her eyes shut) and meet him on the balcony of romantic success. They’re dating in the daylight!

But DRAMA! Natasha and Jessica both chose Dave, and he ended up requesting a daylight dating experience with Jessica. The two looked so much alike that I’m convinced there’s a 50 percent chance Dave meant to choose the other one. Here’s Jessica sticking it to that loser Natasha.

F— me gently with a chain saw, Veronica!

I almost prefer this Natasha reaction shot from earlier, right after Jessica emerged from her compatibility date with Dave to announce, “I’m really interested in him.”

And then Jessica fell. (Not really.)

The end.

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

Comments (63 total) Add your comment
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  • zech

    this photo essay deserves an award! Annie FTW!

    • Scooter

      yeah, great job! i totally LOL’d reading the captions.

      • Lauren

        Totally. ALL RECAPS should be done this way. I never make it through pages and pages of detailed text.

      • Zan

        Loved it!! Exactly why I read the bsideblog.com. Much more fun with photos.

      • will

        I pretty much agree with everything thats been said…MORE PHOTO RECAPS!!!

    • MCS

      I didn’t watch this show, but I’m guessing it wasnt even a half as entertaining as this recap

      • JHF

        ITA! Annie rules! Knew it was her without even looking. Hilarious.

    • ltchy

      l particularly liked the use of the word @$$hole to describe Joey…

      l have to admit, l wouldn’t normally watch this, but the wife had it on the DVR, and it is a bit of a guilty pleasure…

      • ltchy

        PS… This recap HAS to stay. Too funny as it captured the episode almost perfectly!

    • jules

      Annie, I think I love you.

      • Mothra

        Annie, I have no commitment issues: I KNOW I love you! I would never watch this show, but I love love LOVED your recap! Funny stuff, missy! Can’t wait for Planet Mirrorballis to heat up again… where are my sequins!? Where is my spray tan and glitter eyeshadow?!

      • Marie

        Hell Annie I’m strickly Dickly and I think I love you!

  • Dustin

    LMAO I watched this last night and your write up was perfect.

  • Josie

    You made this so enjoyable, which I gather from your opening, it is not.

  • Mike

    No way in hell I’m going to watch this show, but if you keep recapping it like this, I’ll definitely read it.

    But can we talk about Dave? What the heck is going on with those clip-on suspenders attached to a belt? He went on TV dressed like that? Clearly he needs a woman (or a gay friend) in his life to help him make better fashion choices.

    • Scooter

      at least the suspender/belt combo confirms the dude is straight. one can never be too sure on reality TV shows.

      • Mike

        I almost made that same observation in my comment, but deleted it before I posted. But yeah… pretty sure he’s into the ladies.

  • Meg

    I love this show! I’ve been waiting for it all summer. I actually find it fascinating how the people react to the given circumstances. They don’t always go the way you think they will. While it’s cheesy, it isn’t any more so than What Would You Do? and some of the other news shows. I enjoy the slight psychological study that’s a part of this one. I makes it different and slightly more interesting than some of the others.

    • Marci

      Just curious – does saying you watch this because it is a “psychological study” justify it to you? It sounds like a classy reson to watch trash – but, it’s still trash.

    • MCS

      I also enjoy Survivor because it’s a …psychological study. Nah not really, I just enjoy watching people get dirty and fight on an island. Honesty, please.

    • film4future

      I’m with Meg. I find the show utterly entertaining and also like to see the psychological aspect. It’s pretty fascinating to see what the people have to say. My only gripe this season is that they all seem to be attractive. There are some genuinely sweet moments.

    • Julie

      I love this show too! It’s hilarious, if nothing else.

  • Amanda B.

    How is this on TV???

    • Holly

      It’s on TV because it is cheap to produce and history shows us that people will watch literally anything. They’ll even tell themselves “at least it isn’t as cheesy as some of the other shows…” Isn’t that sad?

  • Ceballos

    I watched last night (you can’t get me to watch “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette”, but I’ll watch THIS) and this photo essay was BRILLIANT.

    Still, I feel like you sort of glossed over the fact that the one dude’s name was “Storm.”

    • Annie Barrett

      I’ve made a huge mistake.

      • will

        her?

      • MCS

        AD respect will.

  • glenn michaels

    Please do this every week. Laughed too hard!

  • J. Baker

    Funniest recap I’ve read on EW in a long, long while – maybe since the days of Josh Wolk’s A.R. recaps. Very nicely done.

  • William

    yes more please.

    • epz

      Annie also does Dancing with the Stars, and she is awesome there too!

  • Smog

    Joey & The Situation deserve kudos for their diligent work on behalf of “Citizens For A Grenade-Free America.”

  • Js

    Brilliant.

  • davey

    Will never watch this show yet if you photo-essay it each week I will definitely be here reading and laughing!

  • Adam

    Dear Annie,
    You make all the crap I go through at work all day worth it. You always put a much needed smile on my face! Thank you!!!!

  • Remy

    What Adam said. This was incredible and made my day so much better.

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