“I consider myself a being from another planet,” said Shaq proudly, as he stalked across Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s private compound, asked a statue of Forrest Gump for directions, and attempted in vain to ride a fake horsie. Welcome to the weird and wonderful world of Shaq Vs: gonzo vanity project, lusciously silly American bizarro-world, and probably the closest we’ll ever come to a real-life Celebrity Deathmatch. The second season kicked off last night, and besides speeding up the proceedings considerably – two competitions per episode seems to be the new norm – the season premiere taught us a load of important life lessons.
1. Shaq only likes to mess with the best.
2. The Diesel backs down from nobody, no matter how large their rep.
3. Despite what the haters say, Shaq is totally capable of narrowly defeating a professional athlete in a free throw contest, as long as that athlete happens to play one of the few sports not involving some sort of ball.
4. When you don’t know how to spell a word, ask for its etymology. If it’s French, it’ll be hard.
5. A zucchetto is a small round skullcap worn by Roman Catholic Ecclesiastics.
6. Shaq can spell “zucchetto.”
I think the most fun part of Shaq Vs is how willing the star is to play himself as a preening sitcom narcissist perpetually receiving his comeuppance. At the start of the episode, he stepped off a private plane, looked out across the land, and majestically mumbled, “Dale Earnhardt, I’m coming for you.” Then he asked a local man for directions to Earnhardt’s house. “You know who I am, right?” asked Shaq. Local Man: “I’ve never seen you before in my life.” It’s sort of like having a reality show starring King Arthur from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Except with world champions instead of British dudes in drag. (Also, one episode of Shaq Vs probably costs more than everything Monty Python ever did.)
The choice to expand Shaq Vs outside the realm of sports is reaping hilarious dividends. Last night, O’Neal challenged the National Spelling Bee Champion to a spell-off. Something about the academic environment brought out the quote generator in Shaq. “One thing I’ve always been amazed with: super-intelligent children,” he said. When he talked to the champion, Kavya Shivashankar, he was all blustery trash-talk: “I have my Bachelor’s and my Master’s.” Shivashankar: “When Jimmy Kimmel challenged me, I beat him.” Shaq: “And I beat Jimmy Kimmel… in Scrabble!” Viewers, my TV exploded.
Shaq Vs is one of those reality shows that doesn’t even bother hiding the fact that it’s utterly unreal, which is how it manages to stage scenes that seem (dare I say it?) well-written. Like this sitdown negotiation between Shaq, Shivashankar, and her little sister, conducted from either end of a massive CEO table:
Shaq: “I’m entering your world now.”
Sister: “What?”
Shaq: “I’m entering your world now.”
Sister: “What?”
Shaq: “I’m entering your world now!”
Sister: “What?”
Shaq lost the spelling bee, and despite a ludicrous amount of restrictions (a one-lap lead, mandatory pit stops), he also lost the NASCAR race. This keeps the record alive, as he also lost every challenge last year. When I spoke to him, he claimed to have beaten one of his competitors this season. (He then said that he beat two people. This was right after he said, “I have never lost.” Riddles! Confusion! Inception!) The show has a genuine respect for the skills of the people Shaq challenges: speaking as someone whose knowledge of NASCAR mostly starts and ends with Days of Thunder, it was a total kick to get a five-minute introduction to what goes on inside of a driver’s head. And Junior’s brief talk about his late father was just plain moving.
The only really draggy thing about last night’s episode were the sportscaster-bots, Man With Hair and Woman With Teeth, who apparently hail from an alternate Fringe dimension where Shaq Vs is a real sport. (Can’t the show just hire Celebrity Deathmatch commentators Johnny Gomez and Nick Diamond?) Personally, I’m looking forward to the golf showdown with Charles Barkley. Because I can’t think of a better metaphor for our modern era than two basketball super-icons playing a terrible round of golf.
What did you think of Shaq Vs, PopWatchers? Could any of you spell “Natatorium”? (Microsoft Word doesn’t think that’s a word.) Is it me, or did it seem like Shaq purposefully misspelled “Distinguo”? And speaking of words you didn’t know, here are two new dictionary entries for you:
Shaqticle. Adj. Form a ridiculous strategy that’s almost guaranteed to fail. “Now it’s time to get Shaqticle.”
Shaqanyze. Verb. Filter information through the head-brain. “I gotta Shaqanyze it up.”
shaq is the biggest fame whore ever.
No, you have him confused with his former teammate, Lebron James.
How on earth did they squeeze him into a NASCAR Sprint Cup car?
I guess it was modified for him. Probably shoved the seat way farther back than it normally is. And he had to get in through the top instead of the window.
Yes, they modified the car for him — it was on the local news here when they filmed it. But it still took him a full 15 minutes to get out of the car!
We watched and it was entertaining. Will watch again if we have nothing else to do.
glad he admittied that nascar drivers( or goes for all race car drivers) are athletes since many people dont think they are.
Shaq is a big dumb ugly neanderthal trying to be funny but is just a stupid jackassss. Vive la Quebec!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are few offenses worse than being Canadian, the second largest being a Frenchman. The only thing worse? A French Canadian.
SHUT-UP FRECHIE!!!! You lost your right to speak about ANYTHING AMERICAN when we bailed you out in WWII!!!!!!!!!
I have to admit, I like this show. He’s not afraid to try anything and make himself look silly in the process. Yes, he’s a fame whore, but at least he is funny and entertaining…
i was flipping over to this during commercials of WHITE COLLAR and i have to admit, i laughed out loud a few times. i mean, when he said, ‘it’s time to get shaqticle’…come on, that’s just good tv! ha ha ha!!
1. Shaq only likes to mess with the best.
Really? So why is he racing Junior? Last I checked, Junior sells more than he wins…just cashing in on daddy’s name!
@Heather
Dale Jr is definitely not the best in NASCAR, you are right about that. But in no way is he cashing in on his Daddy’s name. He is a genuinely nice guy, no airs about him, who works hard and does a lot. He is not at the top for sure, but in no way is he lazy.
AMEN to that!!!!!
And it’s Jr., not Junior.
LOVED the ep! We were there for the taping, and my little boys had a blast! Great day, fun show!
It’s a family show. Watch and learn! Laugh with Shaq, don’t let him have all the fun.
How does this get a recap and America’s Got Talent doesn’t?
Woman with Teeth is Kit from Season 1 of Road Rules
I watched the show last year and was impressed with how athletic he was. If the episodes on still on HULU, watch them. Also, he seemed to be humble, smart and dare I say, likeable. There was no disrespect to the people he was going up against and I am suprised that ABC did not promote the premiere more.
LETS GET OUR CASH BACK!!!
I have set up a place that the poor in the country can start to get their fair share of the giveaways. It is our turn to have a piece of the action.
Just GOOGLE “CASH TEACHER” and click the first link. They are that good. Then you will find the ways to cash in that no one wants you to know. Go to the “BANKRUPTCY” section to see things that the corporate fat cats keep secret from the general public.
If you are filthy rich, then please don’t come and visit. This is for us middle and lower class people. You rich have enough of OUR money already.
The bailouts were billions of our dollars and they went to mostly to help the rich. When do we poor folks get ours??? That time is NOW!!!
I LOVE THIS SHOW! He seems like such a genuinely nice guy. I don’t want to know if he isn’t! It is fun to watch, even if it isn’t real!