'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: Kim and Kim only

Let’s all take a moment to applaud Kim G. Last night the blond “elderly woman” gave what we hope was her ultimate reality show audition, as she cursed out Danielle “Franken-tit” Staub — over what, I’m not quite sure. How’d she do? For all of the promos, this didn’t reach hair pull or table flip status, but it was a good old-fashioned screaming match nonetheless, albeit really one-sided. How does Danielle manage to make the others around look crazier than she is?

Before we were treated to a midday screaming match, apologies to the diners at Portabello, the truth was finally out: Kim G. is actually a double agent. Team Giudice-Laurita-Manzo never fully incorporated Kim G. into their crew (Caroline always had her doubts), but she had been at Teresa’s housewarming party and routinely popped by Jacqueline’s house for a good gossip session or two. Had she been talking about Danielle to her “enemies”? Of course. Did she feel bad about it? No way!

After a cringeworthy trip to the gynecologist (where Christine hinted that Danielle needed to get tested for HPV?), Danielle sought comfort and guidance from her newly minted BFF. When Danielle stopped by to talk about her birth mom (catching Kim in her casual at home lounge wear which consists of tights, short skirt, and booties — age appropriate?),  didn’t Kim G. realize that her canned emotions and stale tears were only to get access to Kim’s “wealth and respect within in the community”? After crying about wanting to meet her mother, Kim without missing a beat, responded “I have somebody.” Somebody who? A private investigator? She also has a chauffeur, who is this lady, really? Bruce Wayne? You never see them in the same room…

By this point, the Giudices’ finances are like a ticking time bomb. So why not go out with a bang? It was baby Audriana’s christening — you know the occasion that calls for a brief church service, obligatory visit from out-of-town relatives, and, a  sugar-coma inducing cake for dessert. But in Teresa’s world, the christening is like a mini-wedding (as are all the events in her daughters’ lives; Melania lost a tooth? Schedule a sit down dinner for 100 next week at the Brownstone). There were ice sculptures, a real life Marie Antoinette serving sushi, Audriana’s name baked into loaves of bread… decor designed by Dina. Cue zen music, welcome back godmother! One to always buck tradition, Teresa also included a ceremonial first dance with her new baby, which managed to bring everyone to tears. Even Ashley and Jacqueline shared a tender moment. Behold: the power of a baby in a dress.

Every party has a pooper, and that’s why we invited Joe (that and to pay the bill… or at least try to?). The father of the baby was grumpy throughout the day, sulking around the house, sitting shirtless, snacking in the kitchen instead of getting ready, and complaining about all of the pictures Teresa was taking of the family. Here are the proud papa’s most enthusiastic comments of the night:

“Just make it nice, and not too nice you know what I mean?”
“Okay I got something up my nose, hurry up.”
“God I hate when you throw a party, I really do.”
“$5 shoe factory, you should go shopping there.”
“Two pictures I’ve taken, I’m like King Kong and then I just start going crazy.”
“Good night…I’m going home…I don’t want to see the bill.”

We know he’s got a few things on his mind, as the hinting at his depleting bank account grew larger and larger this week. Since the Manzos are practically family, does this mean the christening party at the Brownstone can be put on lay away?

Across town, Danielle and her daughters were sharing a nice family dinner at the reliable diner. Jillian was back to playing second-rate child as it was once again all about pretty Christine, who Danielle really hopes is a goody-two-shoes and won’t have sex. “So tell me, what’s the response from school since the Sweet Sixteen?” Danielle asked, hoping that all of those free donations and the psychological trauma she waged on Jillian that night paid off. She’s a cool mom (like Amy Poehler) so Christine can tell her things (anything), but Christine has learned that it’s easier to keep conversations focused on her mother to avoid any unnecessary prying into her personal life.  So she revealed she had learned news about Danielle’s search for her biological mother through her friend, who heard from her eyebrow lady, who allegedly heard via Teresa. Danielle insisted that she had told “Kim and Kim only,” yet somehow between waxing and plucking, the local eyebrow technician knew all about it. “Maybe somebody like overheard,” little Jillian uttered, the first words since her singing debut last week. “Nobody could have overheard! Let me tell you why, it was at Kim G.’s house!” GOD JILLIAN, YOU’RE SO STUPID.  No, this was definitely deliberate and terroristic, and Danielle had no other choice but to call Danny. Once again she was vulnerable to the Manzo family’s threats. Maybe the sting from a good extension pull never really goes away? And give Kim G. a little more credit. She’s not your friend solely to supply information to the Manzos, she’s your friend so she can get airtime on a reality show. Gosh. There’s a difference.

Kim G., back to her ski lodge attire, frantically ran over to Jacqueline’s to talk, leaving out any time for the exchange of hellos, or breathing: “Hi, I was passing by I mean like I have to talk to you, I am like desperate. I hate her f—ing guts, excuse my language here but you know what, I hate her! She’s a motherf—er! I’m telling ya.” Sorry baby Nicholas. Earmuffs! For once the resident doormat did a good job of not feeding into Kim G.’s crazy thoughts, but rather frankly telling her how it is. Kim wasn’t being honest with Danielle, so of course Danielle was going to be upset when she found out the truth. Kim G. owed it to her to apologize. I’m confused about why Kim G. is upset with Danielle? Is it because she black-balled her with some people in town (at this point, how strong is Danielle’s word anyway? Who believes her?). Does she fear she’ll be left out of upcoming ladies nights, spa parties, and $1,000 plate events at the Brownstone? Could Kim G. be more of a social climber than Danielle? YES.

So finally we’re back to Portabello, where Danielle confronted the woman who “pretended” to be her friend.  Kim felt no remorse, believing she was allowed to be friends with both because this is not a warzone, it’s North Jersey (is there a difference?). Quickly things escalated, as Kim G. threw a napkin (try again) and then did her best variation of Teresa, following Danielle out to her car, leaving of trail of expletives behind her before gifting us with this glorious kicker:  “I have friends, look at you, you f—-er old lady with your Fraken-square tits!” Danny whisked Danielle off to the Wayne Medical Center, where she presumably underwent hours of intense color reading with energist Sarai, plotting ways to sabotage Kim G.’s disgusting aura next week.

What was more uncomfortable: Caroline repeatedly calling her 20-year-old son “Chiddopher,” or Danielle’s use of baby talk when describing Kim G. (“Oh I know like if I attack Danielle then maybe just maybe they’ll be my bwest fweinds too. Who knows!”)? Do you think we’ll be seeing more Kim next week?