Kate Gosselin and kids plan holiday CD? We've written their debut single!

kate-plus-8Image Credit: TLCFile under “Greetings from the Impending Apocalypse!”: AOL’s PopEater blog is reporting that Kate Gosselin, master babymaker and star of several TLC programs, is hoping to record and release a holiday album with her eight children. Gosselin’s rep declined to comment on the story, but nothing short of a “Hell naw, that isn’t happening!” is going to stop me from rocketing down a slide of shame and into a stinking cauldron of “what ifs?” and “whys?” As such, I have gone as far as writing a potential first single for the Gosselin Child Army Chorus, set to the tune of “Winter Wonderland.” Join me in a sing-along, the better to drown out the unholy howling emanating from your soul area.

Gosselins sing, are you list’ning?
Feel your gut, start a’twisting
A soul-crushing sight, kid labor ain’t right
When your mom’s a famewhore firebrand

Who knew Kate, was a songbird?
How ’bout Jon? That’s just absurd
With his giant back tatt, his Ed Hardy hat
His ex-wife’s a famewhore firebrand

For the cameras they can build a snowman
Looks just like a music video
Eight kids smiling in their snowflake mittens
But are you feeling rage or pity-oh-oh-oh

Later on comes the big screen
But for now, just a CD
Do not be afraid, the whole family gets paid
When your mom’s a famewhore firebrand

Any thoughts, feelings, or tears you want to shed about this topic? Head to the comments, by all means! And to get all my pop-culture ridiculata, follow me on Twitter @EWMichaelSlezak!

Comments (24 total) Add your comment
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  • Terry

    I’d buy a copy of that song if it would donate to a fund to get rid of this annoying, no talent woman.

  • Buddy

    Best worst idea for a holiday single since Ali Lohan recorded the painful “Lohan Holiday” (can’t you just feel the love in that family?). Slezak for the win.

  • Gemini_Dawn

    Aw…I just love you Michael!! Gonna send you a William Shatner “Rocket Man” thank you vid…

    • lunakit

      Awww nuts, does this mean I can no longer enjoy the Lee DeWyze version of this song?!?! Drats. Ruined until I can get a Vulcan mind scrub.

  • Celimene

    Slezak gets brownie points for calling her a “famewhore firebrand”. Now can she please go away? Please? Make the bad lady stop.

  • Lisa Simpson

    Dear god, no.

  • ntvnat
  • teamumizoomi.org

    I wish her a lifetime chained to Mel Gibson. (:

  • shawnclemson

    Her promotional tour will feature the kids wearing those head band antlers and pulling her in a sleigh. Nadya Suleman, call your agent.

  • Rufus T

    The saddest thing about this is that people will actually buy this CD, and not just gag gift givers.

    • Marceebee

      But – you have to admit – it is a perfect gag gift! It would actually make one gag.

  • sandy

    Please say it ain”t so,I agree with Celemine please GO AWAY !!!!

  • Amy

    Oh my God-Gosselin’s-PLEASE GO AWAY!

  • sadheart

    Oh, truley this is not the Bing Crosby and family hour. NO NO NO stop, stop, E N O U G H!

  • Deb

    No. No. Please God….NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Sybil

    Great mother and blondedatingsite

  • Tanya

    Haters, Shut up! Let the woman make a living. Kaitlyn Mayers was 4 and no one called it child labor.

    • Celimene

      The woman should make a living then – not exploit her kids to make money for her.

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