'The Twilight Saga: Eclipse': A hater's guide

twilight-eclipse-haterWARNING: The opinions printed below do not necessarily reflect those of the EW staff — or anyone else on Planet Earth. Instead, this piece of work comes courtesy of a professional Twilight hater. So prepare yourselves, spider monkeys.

You can see why the folks at Summit Entertainment recruited David Slade to oversee this third movie in the stupefyingly successful vampires-and-werewolves-and-Kristen-Stewart-looking-like-someone-just-shot-her-kitten-in-the-face franchise. The director has crafted a genuinely frightening movie from a beloved work of vampire fiction that makes the most of its snowy northern setting. Unfortunately, the film he did all that crafting on was 2007’s 30 Days of Night. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse stinks worse than Taylor Lautner’s werewolf Jacob apparently does. (Note to Taylor Lautner: It’s probably best from now on to avoid films that make a plot point out of your character’s b.o.). And the fact that those of the lycanthropic persuasion have a stench problem is pretty much the only thing I learned from this interminable snoozefest. Needless to say, I don’t speak for EW — you can read Owen Gleiberman’s B+ review here — but speak I must. (And you can read my previous Twilight hater’s guides here and here.)

Those who saw last year’s New Moon and weren’t lucky enough to slip into a coma before the end, may recall that the film’s third act featured both Robert Pattinson’s bloodsucker Edward Cullen asking Stewart’s Bella to marry him and the introduction of Michael Sheen’s vampire head honcho. Thus, the movie strongly suggested that its successor would feature (a) some sort of the resolution to the Edward-Bella-Jacob love triangle, and (b) someone who can actually act. But Sheen must have found a preferable way of spending his time — getting a barb wire enema, perhaps — and by the end of Eclipse, I was none the wiser as to who is ultimately going to wind up with who. Actually, that’s not quite true. A lengthy, Brokeback Mountain-evoking, scene in which Pattinson and Lautner make nice in a tent while Stewart sleeps does rather confirm my suspicion that Edward and Jacob will ultimately get married and run a little B&B in Vermont. (I’m not going to suggest what I think happens to Bella. But I will say the B&B has a very well-fertilized rose garden.)

The baddies in Eclipse are a bunch of young, and rather shabby-looking, Seattle vampires. Basically it’s like grunge all over again, except this lot wants to impress people with their ability to kill rather than with their ability to play music that alternates between quiet verses and VERY VERY LOUD CHORUSES! To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why they decide to wreak such havoc, though it may be connected to the fact that Edward and the rest of his clan dress just like Muse. Anyhoo, to defeat these bloodsuckers, the “good” vampires and the werewolves make an uneasy truce, which also involves Lautner having to communicate via growls as if he’s in an old Lassie movie. (“What’s that, boy? You’re thinking of maybe taking your shirt off again when you return to human form, but only if it’s absolutely integral to the plot? Sounds like a plan! Now, please stop humping my leg…”)

To be fair, director Slade does give proceedings a certain amount of zip while both Lautner and Pattinson seem to be having at least a degree of fun. (Not Stewart, though. That girl could win a Willy Wonka golden ticket and I bet she’d still look like she was picking cat brains out of her hair) So, yes, Eclipse is the best Twilight movie so far. But it may also be the third worst vampire movie of all-time.

Read more:
‘Twilight': A hater’s guide
‘New Moon': A hater’s guide

Comments (251 total) Add your comment
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  • RyRyNYC

    EW = EPIC FAIL … the disclaimer was ridiculous… Twilight sucks.. the acting is terrible, the plot idiotic, and the hype overwhelming annoying (especially by this once credible publication.)

    • Liz Lemon

      I didn’t bother to read the article, because frankly, I don’t give a damn. I just saw the words “twilight” and “hate” in the same sentence on EW’s website and I just had to click on it.

      • LOL

        Liz Lemon for president!

      • William

        AMEN to that! I saw the same thing and thought…finally someone who gets it!

      • Kellie

        Same here. We should all post comments too.

      • AT

        I thought the same thing

    • YES

      Twilight is the worst.

    • Em

      Did you even read the article? Are you always this hostile toward people/ideas with which you completely agree?

      • Anonymous

        Nothing to see here.

      • James

        welcome to the world man.

    • lisawwe

      I love The World Cup! World Cup is about sportsmanship. My boyfriend and i both think so. He is a sexy black man,lol. I know him via *** (B lack wh ite Cupid)* .*{C00M} *** a nice place for black white singles, to interact with each other…no bounds or extremes in front of true love. . . :)

      • IH8SPAM

        bite my butt you spammer

      • philip freeman

        you mean people who are too fat or ugly to meet normally?

    • BFD

      “WARNING: The opinions printed below do not necessarily reflect those of the EW staff” –

      Of course not. If they didn’t spend an exorbitant amount of time touting this crud no one would be buying the magazine.

      • FazeCraze

        I think the disclaimer was meant to be funny.

    • avenger

      This is the first rational thing I have ever read on EW in a long time. You and nice touch there with the disclaimer you d*uches

    • Summer

      A wodnrfeul job. Super helpful information.

  • Monty

    Finally, something for the rest of us

    • ugh

      this might be the only antitwilight post ever on EW. do they not realize the hate for these movies?

      • mary q contrary

        Please refer to two of the links above. There has been a hater’s guide for all three films. The other two were just as funny.

  • Steve

    Loved it! This anti-Twilighter thanks you!

    • Hope

      Fellow anti-twilighter number 2 right beneath you Steve.

    • LOL

      Worst things in the USA right now:
      1. BP oil spill
      2. Republicans
      3. Twilight movies

      • tinaa


      • Cat


      • Deb

        LOL, I believe you have that in reverse order………..

      • Caroline

        Haha, *LOL*–totally agree!!

      • Laura

        Agreed x 100!

      • LIVEITUP

        Oh yeah…Those Democrates are doing a great job………Driving us further into debt than our country has ever seen! They are doing a great job handling that oil spill too!

      • Sen

        Ok, Liveitup.. way to ruin everyone’s fun by bringing politics into it. IT WAS A JOKE. CHILL.

      • Liz Lemon

        Lmfao! Completely agree only I would put twilight at number two and the dreadful republicans at number three.

      • Jcush

        And 0 is Obama. ;)

      • emmaleigh

        Okay, you opened the can of worms. Why are democrates so p@ssed off at republicans? Democrates are the ones who voted Obama into office.

      • SORRY…had to go here

        obama v. sarah palin (who would end up bein prez after a 123847298374987293 yr old john mccain had to leave office early)

        we had probs long before prez obama came in….@ least he’s not afraid to try to fix things….and he’s ACTUALLY SMART!!!!!!

  • tvaddict

    The only redeeming thing about these movies are Taylor Lautner’s abs!

    • K

      The abs are nice, but sitting through a “Twilight” movie is a lot to pay for just to see a guy’s washboard abdomen.

    • Deb

      Go see a Ryan Reynolds flick instead….you get the hot abs, plus actual acting.

    • jj

      That’s like saying it’s worth getting syphilis to see “The Situation”‘s abs

      • Whatever

        I just exploded in laughter at this one !! XD

      • ScootchMcGooch

        That comment was so much win. Jersey Shore 2 coming soon!! D:

      • Liz Lemon

        LMFAO!! Comment of the day. :D

  • LowKay

    This is hilarious. I hate on Twilight at least in part because it’s fun to, but I also have a lot of what I think is legitimate criticism of it. But this was just some really delicious bitchery, and it was so nice to see that EW doesn’t actually have some corporate Twilight-promotion policy that all of their employees MUST follow on pain of death/termination.

  • Jose

    I was getting worried this article might not show up…
    I must say though this is dissapoingting, I remember laughing in your first two hater’s guide and in this one it felt as if you were unsure as to what to write.

  • Ceballos

    Funny piece – hopefully some of the Twi-hards can read something like this and have a sense of humor about some of the movies’ more ridiculous, hilariously self-serious aspects, the way I was forced to have a sense of humor when some of my anti-“Lost” friends ripped on the finale.

    • Madd

      How did you manage to have a sense of humor about that? The people who complained about the finale to me said that the show didn’t tell us what the numbers meant, Richard’s backstory, or what the purpose of Sideways World was. I wanted to yell “DID YOU EVEN WATCH THE SHOW”…it was really hard for me just to nod and say “Okay, I personally loved it, but that’s my opinion”.

      • Lisa Simpson

        Ah, Madd, you’re a better person than I would have been, except that all my friends loved it, even more than I did.

      • Ceballos

        I stopped talking to them for two weeks…it was hilarious.

        Seriously though, the fact that anyone could say that the show never addressed Richard’s backstory or what the Sideways world was is mostly sad…but it’s also a little funny. (At least, in that Seth and Amy “Really?!” way.)

      • Ceballos

        Also, I went ahead and made the “Ben powerlifting a tree off himself and appearing to suffer no ill-effects afterwards” joke before they could.

      • Madd

        Well, I kind of had to keep my cool because most of the people were co workers. Luckily all my friends loved it too…I mean, we still made some “Shannon and Sayid?!” esque comments.

      • mary q contrary

        Unfortunately, excluding my wonderful husband, my entire family hated it. And rather than taking the high road and saying what you did, I drove them crazy with unending commentary on what I thought they must have missed, and why I thought they just didn’t get it the way it was meant to be gotten. That being said, I’m still not sorry :)

      • jj

        the people i know who were disappointed in the finale (me included) knew the answers to those questions and were avid fans of the series. we were just unsatisfied with how it ended. i didn’t write the show. i accept lindelof and cuse’s vision, but it’s definitely not how i would have written it. and even being a fan of the show, i can admit some of the inconsistencies of it. Twi-hards seem incapable of self deprecation and intelligent criticism..

      • Claire

        Yeah, huge LOST fan and I was disappointed in the finale. It had nothing to do with answers. I was fine with the ones I got. It just seemed, to me, to be rushed and ended in a manner that wasn’t in the same spirit of the show. My opinion. And I’ve argued with all my family members who did like it and bothered them to no end with MY endless commentary about it :). As for Twilight. I’m meh about it. Takes too much energy to actually hate something I’ve never paid money to be apart of.

    • Ambient Lite

      Oh, I think Twi-hard sanity hinges on whether one can have a sense of humor about the whole thing – thankfully, I do. I mean, we like sparkly vegetarian vampires, we can’t take ourselves too seriously. I always enjoy the hater’s guide, this one is no exception.
      Actually saw the movie tonight, and to add a little “sparkle” of my own to this article, I just want to say…

      • jj

        by sparkle did you mean wit? bc i don’t get it. maybe i’m not smart enough to get it. was it just meant to be sarcasm. bc it didn’t quite work….

    • Michelle

      I think this was hysterical and I’m a fan. The crazies who have no sense of humor and actually think they can marry Edward Cullen someday give the rest of us a bad name. I thoroughly enjoyed this – poignant, hilarious, and well-written. And totally on point about Kristen Stewart. Love the golden ticket kicked-her-kitten-in-the-face-look.

    • twifan

      what is actually funny is a bunch of losers going on a website to complain about twilight if u dont like it dont watch it and then bitch about it i dont buy E.w and i never will for obvious reasons and yes i am a 28 year old twihard so bite me f—-rs.

      • Wow

        Stop being so immature, if you love twilight so much then why do you read this?

  • edward4eva

    like omg! you guys just do not understand the brilliance of this franchise! it is the best movie eva! i mean do people not get the love that bella has for edward and jacob???!!!! like its the most heartbreaking thing eva! this movie is about DESTINY AND LOVE and people need to stop hating! edward + bella 4 ever!

    • kim in kentucky

      can’t tell if she on or off her meds

      • Cat

        Definitely off.

      • Adele

        She’s never even been on meds. Eva.

      • Jennifer

        I think she’s being sarcastic. At least I hope she is.

      • avenger

        Meds or no meds either way it is clear that Twihard = Twit

    • JC

      That explains why the only awards the franchise ever won are MTV Movie Awards

      • Ceballos

        Hey now! I believe they do well in the Teen Choice AND Kids Choice Awards as well.

      • @Ceballos

        Don’t forget the highly coveted People’s choice awards. They won a couple of those two.

    • dee

      If you’re mocking Twilight fans, this was a very good impersonation. If not…….I’m afraid for you.

      • Lyzbeth

        Unbelievblae how well-written and informative this was.

    • Anne

      is this person serious??? do all the twilight fans really talk like this?? are any of them even intelligent? when any of them argue why the serious is good, all they can say is stuff like “Edward is hot”, seriously twi-fans, THAT IS NOT A GOOD REASON! Unless one of you has something intelligent to say, no one wants to hear you!

      • jj

        i think/hope she’s joking. but its sorry how many of the twi-hards DO sound like this. i mean, i was intelligent when i was young. i was able to form a cohesive thought that didn’t sound like a valley girl. unfortunately this twitter generation that has grown up to revere paris, kardashians, lohan and playboy bunnies (who out of the previous group, actually might come off the smartest!)doesn’t seem to be able to…

    • Amanda

      I sincerely hope she is kidding! Sadly, I don’t think she is! These stories weren’t even intelligently written! I just don’t get it!

    • Lisa Simpson

      I think this is some really funny mocking of Twilight fans. A real Twilight fan would be pouting more about the “haters”.

      • Em

        Nah. I’m a Twilight fan, but I totally understand the haters. I don’t WANT to be a fan – just can’t help it. But I totally understand the contempt for all the mindless adoration. At least I’m appropriately ashamed of my affection for the franchise! :)

      • springs

        Em, couldn’t have said it better myself. I’m going to see the movie alone so I don’t have to ask/share this with anyone else.

      • Amardeep

        u r a LIAR. You come here very often based on your comments. YOU R NOT A VISITOR. Twilight matrets to you way more than you are willing to admit. who r u trying to impressive with your fake indifference?!

    • Lola

      If I may say…. you sound like an idiot.

  • kim in kentucky

    and how about EW stop putting this movie on its magazine cover? This is going to the first 4th of July weekend in a long time with nothing good to see (nope, not interested in AirBender)

    • Lisa Simpson

      I may have to go see “Toy Story 3″ again.

      • kim in kentucky

        yup, that’s what we’ll prob do also!

      • Mindy

        Seeing Toy Story 3 again is what I am doing, too. For the 4th time, I’ll add. I am taking people who haven’t seen it yet, if that makes it better.

      • springs

        There are other things to do besides going to the movie theater…

      • Lisa Simpson

        That’s true, springs, but it’s going to be a very hot weekend, and I’ll need a nice, cool break after the cookout.

    • CaliCat

      I miss the good ol’ days, like when Independence Day came out over the 4th of July weekend. Now that was a movie!

      • Meier

        THAT’S what we’re missing: Will Smith! Instead, this year, we get Will Smith Lite with ‘The Karate Kid.’

      • Brady

        Amen! We definitely need to get back to the good old days of having summer blockbusters that are enjoyable by everyone. Instead, we’re now treated to the likes of interminable Twilight and Transformers movies.

      • mscisluv

        Will Smith, please go back to making endlessly watchable blockbusters, a la Independence Day and Men in Black. No more of this Seven Pounds stuff (although, disclaimer, I tend to like everything Big Willie does, even I can admit that movie kind of blew).

      • Caramia

        You actually thought Indeendence Day was good? One of the most ludicrous movie I’ve ever seen. The president has to pilot a fighter jet? SURE!!! A completely different alien species, and they just happen to make their ship compatible with a Mac Book. I can’t even get Windows 2000 to open XP files. Right! And there are many more examples of stupidity in this movie.
        I mean, Twilight movies are no masterpieces, but you kind of weaken your argument by asking for a return to the fine cinema of INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!

      • Ana170

        Independence Day was full of huge plot holes but it was fun for all ages, escapist entertainment and filled with talented actors. Twilight has none of that going for it.

    • Mindy

      I was stuck with nothing to read before a long wait for an appointment last week. I dashed into a bookstore to buy EW to have something to read. When I saw Twilight on the cover- AGAIN- I walked out without buying anything. I actually didn’t renew my subscription because of all the Twilight covers.

      • dee

        Same. I let my subscription lapse as well. If I had to see any of those three actors’ faces in my mailbox one more time…..lol

      • Ana170

        Unfortunately, there are probably a lot of people who picked up subscriptions because of all of the Twilight covers. I don’t think EW really loves the show (save for a few people). They’re just trying to pick up buyers. They also spend an inordinate amount of time on Lost, Harry Potter, and American Idol.

      • Ambient Lite

        Seriously, Anal70. They really do. I mean, Lost ended several weeks ago and there have been at least 5 major new Lost articles this week.

  • Andrew

    HUZZAH-HUZZAH to you, Mr. Collins. Dead on once again.

  • nodnarb

    This site is really begging for more of these… Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Glee. All should be fair game.
    PS: Barb wire enema? Nice work

  • Steve Gennarelli

    As a fellow hater myself, I think I have the inside skinny of an unbelievable plot twist that they’ll include in the next film. You won’t believe this..but in the next film….the female lead will actually crack a smile !!!!!!!!!!!

    • kim in kentucky

      excellent !

    • Cat


    • dee


    • Remy

      Also, she will incessantly bite her bottom lip in every scene, in a brilliant acting choice that seems to say, “Hey, I’m not really Bella; I’m Kristen Stewart. I’m only pretending to be a character.” This will be followed by a wink and Mandi Bierly screaming with the rest of her fellow twelve year-old girlfriends.

    • I’m sorry but you SUCK at playing “Horrify the Twilight Noob”

      Nope. In the next installment Edward knocks Bella up and she nearly dies giving birth to a growth-accelerated mutant vampire/human hybrid fetus. I wish I could say I were kidding but, sadly, I am not. Oh, and it gets worse. Jacob determines that said mutant hybrid baby is to be his intended. I. ish. you. not. fellow EW reader. Twilight = never having to say “just kidding”

      • Deb

        You forgot about Edwarward banging her so hard on their honeymoon he puts her in a coma. And he gives Bella an emergency c-section WITH HIS FANGS.

      • dee

        LOL I LOVE playing Horrify the Twilight Noob!!!! The looks on people’s faces are hilarious. “Wait, when you say they sparkle, you’re being serious?!” lol Such a fun pastime. Honestly, it’s a game that can go on for hours.

      • dropoutninja

        “Twilight = never having to say ‘just kidding'”

        You are the best.

  • Lisa Simpson

    I’m with you on the Brokeback part, seeing that the cover I got from your last issue was the Brokeback Twilight one.

    • noelbelle

      No joke, when I got it in the mail, I held it up to my mom and said, “Doesn’t this kinda look like a gay men’s dating service ad?” I like to take my EWs to the gym and read them while I work out, but carrying Twilight mag after Twilight mag is just embarrassing.

      • Esau

        Is that what it was? I just took a quick glance and said, “Oooh, is ‘Wham!’ getting back together?”

      • Lisa Simpson

        So many “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” jokes…

      • Cesar

        I’m not a fan of the series, and I only came here to rmsiniece and have a I told you so moment by looking at how the comments have dropped since the site’s popularity in ’09. I have to agree with you on this though. The site admins can’t just neglect’ this Twilight project just because it’s not getting the results they want anymore. It’s *still* their site, so they should be keeping on top of these things, whether they have a legion of loyal followers or just one.

  • Lizzie Sibbald

    epic review! they look like they’re constipated most of the time. just fyi. :P

  • Bella Jacob

    Speaking as a Twi-hard, I found that article funny. I have enough open-mindness where I see everyone’s point of view. This person should do a video parody of the Twilight movies. I think he would be good at it.

    • BeeBee

      We need more sane Twihards like you, as opposed to the Twitards who react like you’d hung their mother, shot their puppies and joined Al-Queda if you as much as make one small joke at the expense of their Holy Bible.

      • Holy Bible?

        Surely you meant “Book of Mormon.” ;)

    • Caroline

      Bella Jacob, good for you. I’m not a Twilight fan at all, but now I can understand how annoying Harry Potter fans (like me) can be to non-Harry Potter fans! People are allowed to like what they want…I don’t get all the hating.

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