Image Credit: BravoLet’s all be honest with each other that the New Jersey season has so far been a snooze. Danielle has quickly grown tedious. I find myself watching scenes with her with the same hooded eye disdain as her daughter Christine, whose flat sullenness continues to alarm me on a weekly basis. Apparently the producers are worried we’re bored as well because they were, in a sore miscalculation of their target audience, throwing in lap dances at Scores for free. “It’s every woman’s fantasy,” Jacqueline intoned about Christopher’s foray to Scores. What’s the fantasy exactly? Because I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve pretending to mambo with some long-haired, glaze-eyed Delta Tau alum on his lunch break from Deloitte & Touche.
Jacqueline did not have her shrewdest moments on camera this episode. She continued to lecture/whine at her daughter Ashley, who came home to apologize and insist that she didn’t need a life coach. (“Wooden spoon!” recommended Dina.) Then her husband, who I find inexplicably hot, opened his creepy secret safe and revealed a disturbingly large stockpile of guns. ”None of them were loaded,” said Jacqueline. “I don’t think.” Safety first! Anyways, Jacqueline draped herself in a belt of bullets and announced how sexy she felt. I’m starting to get worried about what it takes to turn this woman on.
Danielle went to the diner. A friend’s 15-month-old baby has cancer and funds must be raised. (This is dreadful and tragic on every level and I do wish the Housewives had all written fat checks on the side and kept this very sad, real-life drama off camera.) Danielle will do anything she can to help. Hold up, hold up, the fundraiser is at the Brownstone? Oof, now this is going to be difficult for her. (Not really.) The Manzo clan are bullies. (And by bullies she means that they will not agree to be her best friends.) She’s going to need major back-up if she’s going to walk into that hornet’s nest. (Read: a community gathering to raise the necessary funds for a child in dire need.) Danny strikes me as a wee bit off, and I don’t just mean because of the fact that he is a little jittery, or wild-eyed, or an ex-felon. I guess what alarms me the most is that Danielle says Danny doesn’t have to speak with words. (Which is good in a way, because Danny was not terribly articulate.) When Caroline finds out that Danielle is attending the fundraiser she got that same smug lion look she always does when that cuckoo clock comes up. “Ultimately I’m going to win,” she promised her husband. I like Caroline, but on this subject she is maddeningly obtuse. For the love of God, win what?! Is there a bowling tournament we don’t know about? At this point, perhaps a round robin game of candlepin would energize the season.
Teresa, who is fast assuming the role of the voice of the show, which can only spell trouble for her stock with the fans in Season 3 (ie., Jill), went into labor. Joe needed to finish his cup of coffee and change out of his jean shorts before they could go to the hospital. The girl who isn’t Gia and isn’t Milania got to take her time choosing between french toast and pancakes. At this point I would have been screaming and throwing loaves of bread at my family to get their act in gear because my pelvis was getting ready to split open but that’s just me.
At the hospital, Teresa took phone calls and howled like a cat in heat and demanded conflict diamonds from Joe and dabbed at her watering eyes and reapplied her lip gloss between contractions. When she announced that she might soon poop herself a fourth baby girl emerged from her shaved Chuckarella. (I hate everything about that sentence but my job is to recap and recap I must.) The only genuinely touching moment of this entire bloated hour was when Teresa asked Dina to be the baby’s Godmother and our spiritual, smudge-happy gal spilled over in happy tears. Dina, your first job as Godmother is to rescue little Audriana from that frightening Earth-sized flower hat.
In conclusion, Joe you simply must wear a shirt from here on out. Young women of New Jersey, spend your spray tanning dollars on your educations.
Next week: Nobody messes with Danny when he’s wearing his black party t-shirt. “A punk is a punk is a punk and the Manzos aresa punks.” You should’ve gone to a meeting instead, man.
Um, I read the Jacqueline comment of “Every woman’s fantasy” as being extremely sarcastic. Did anyone else catch that?
Yep…me too. She was totally being a smartass, but that’s what you get with editing.
Good, b/c from reading this recap, I think Karen thought perhaps Jac was being serious with this comment.
Jacqueline is so boring, I literally fall asleep when she’s on-screen! She is the most pointless person in the history of this franchise – including DeShaun from ATL! Nice people make bad television. As a whole, this season is awful. Even Danielle’s crazy is boring now.
Is anyone else terrified that Teresa and the ape continue to produce offspring??
Your “name” is hysterical!
i second what lee said – i just cracked up at the name “tick as teeves”
“tick” you’re tastless. don’t refer to any person as an ape.
you’re right. Apes are great, noble creatures. I truly apologize to all apes. Lemurs too.
You’re correct. Apes are noble and beautiful animals. I apologize to all apes. Lemurs too.
Ahahahahahahahah Tick ROFLMAO ahahahahahahahah again oh and STFU RHW if we want to say APE we will refer to another “human being” as an APE I am tired of politically correct azzholes like yourself.
lol lol lol tick your spot on !
Danielle says Danny doesn’t have to speak with words. (Which is good in a way, because Danny was not terribly articulate. Oh, Karen Valby, you slay me!
I am continuing my plea to Children’s Services to investigate Danielle. Just in case they read this blog. Please, for the sake of Jillian, do something!
I think everyone should bombard children services with phone calls and letters about the concern we all have for Danielle’s daughters. I fear for their safety because there is something seriously wrong with Danielle. She is very unstable. Where is their father? I can’t see how he can be worse than this mess?
agreed I think Christina has been damaged already she is so nasty and miserable all the time, but its not to late to save the little one. Someone do some digging on her past and find out who the father is. I am pretty good at that maybe I will start …. to be continued
Totally agree. This season so far is showcasing the kids a bit tooooooo much. Please, Caroline’s kids are too grown to even be on this show and quite annoying as well. Oh, yeah, their mother is Caroline = annoying!!!
Lexie was smart not to be associated with this season, whether it was her decision or Dina’s, it was a smart move.
The show is focusing to much on the family ties which now is becoming too apparent. I get the premise, but I think the housewives franchise would do better casting younger Mothers with children instead of the older women with grown children.
I agree 100% with Jethro who wants to see grown azz men and woman who should be away at college at home playing the “ham game”? WTF is that and why do so many women find that behavior amusing? Is it cause they wanna be a housewife with money? WTF
what actually is the connection between the families? ty
I feel the same way about children’s services investigating Kelly Bensimon after the last episode of RHONY.
It’s clear that both women have serious issues (I think Danielle is paranoid schizophrenic, and that Kelly suffers from untreated borderline personality disorder.) All of their children seem relatively well-adjusted, but that’s only because they’ve had to grow up way too fast. Nothing good can come with things continuing on in the way they are. Both Danielle and Kelly need psychiatric help.
I think Danielle’s behavior is more of low self esteem and need to feel loved and important. I think A LOT of moms act like that for better or worse. Kelly, on the other hand, is seriously ill.
Who’s Jillian??????
Danielle’s daughter who is not Christine.
One of the problems with this show is all the family connections. They need to bring different people from different background together. When the show has to focus on the kids, it’s time to move on.
They did that because viewers complained nonstop about the unrealistic setups on the OC, Atlanta and NY shows. The cast was being thrown together for drama’s sake at events they wouldn’t even attend otherwise. They figured they’d get more natural interactions if the cast were family members who would hang out with each other anyway, regardless of the show.
I have to agree with you Karen, this season so far is pretty darn boring. Bring on the New York ladies on Thursday!
I don’t know what you’re talking about. While this season doesn’t have that new thrill of the first, I’m loving this season for all the audacity, even if it’s contrived. I do think the Manzo + Theresa against Danielle storyline will get old after this season. They need to introduce other women or get rid of Danielle entirely.
But I can’t get enough of these women. I want to move into the Manzo house. I want Caroline to boss me around. I want to smudge with Dina, make red sauce with Theresa and look pretty with Jacqueline. And yes, sneer at Danielle and pity her poor children. The show is must see tv for me. These women, minus Dannielle, are the ONLY women from the entire Housewives franchise I actually like and can stand.
Which housewife are you?
When you make da red sauce, don’t forget to teach your daughter to keep away from guys named Rosenberg and Cohen. Unless they are the lawyers defending your “family:”
Any legitimate righteous indignation you may have about the possibly disparaging remark Teresa’s daughter made on-camera about not wanting to marry a Jewish man (besides the fact that kids say embarassing dumbsh*t things like that all the time…) is COMPLETELY undone by you calling Joe Giudice an “ape.” So save it, HYPOCRITE.
The only thing wrong with the comparison, is that it disparages apes. Your logic only works in Jersey. YOU WILL NEVER WIN. Not with me.
Wow thats pathetic Sally..you need to get a life !!
The New Jersey seasons are always amazingly boring. Think back to last year. Nothing really happened except in the final episode when Theresa overturned the table, and that was only done because she was very aware that the cameras were on her at that moment. NJ is definitely the worst of the franchise. When I’m watching Caroline, Dina and Jaqueline sitting around going on and on about Danielle, I feel like I’m at a Denny’s and I’m sitting across from a bunch of old women who have nothing better to do. NOTHING IS HAPPENING!! This is the 3rd episode of the season and nothing of importance has happened. The NYC season is FAR better. When the most entertaining and classiest member of your cast if Theresa and her frog-like husband, you’ve got problems.
Well, see, I can’t stand the NY cast. To each his own. NJ and Atlanta are the only casts I can tolerate.
That was the most boring, tedious hour. Actually 40 minutes cause I totally tuned out the last 20 minutes.
is it me, or did Danielle’s true colors come out when she was meeting with the two Sopranos wannabes…. she wants so badly to be accepted as someone with class and intelligence and then meets with these two thugs??? These two guys made my skin crawl. What lowlifes… including Danielle!
YOU WIN! This is exactly what I was thinking! She wants to be accepted as someone with class, she wants to put her arrest in the past….BUT THEN SHE MEETS WITH FAUX JUNIOR SOPRANO AND CARMINE?!?!?!
I agree – sadly they look like wannabe hoods. They obviously did things in the past that got them arrested – but believe me those guys are in no way the threat that they claim to be.
Hate to tell you both but both Faux Thugs as you call them have extensive Mafia Ties..do your research
I love these recaps.
My favorite moment was during one of Jacqueline’s confessionals when she rattled off all of Danielle’s identities.
Agreed!
Loved that. Jacqueline is very nice and non-catty and I think it’s easy to miss her softly delivered but laser like wit.
Danielles little sidekick looks pretty shifty to me. She sat there and talked about setting aside differences for the sake of a sick infant,and then proceeds to invite someone along who is almost guaranteed to come in looking to fight with someone. Can we say SICK?? And Teresa, honestly I cannot stand this woman for a second. She goes against almost everything I would teach my girls if I had any. However, those epidurals can be scary and as much as I despise her I actually felt bad for the girl at that moment. Even when youve had kiddos before, childbirth can still be nerveracking. Caroline needs to butt out of grown folks business and let people live thier grown up lives. Seriously I would bash my brains in trying to navigate through all of thier craziness Im very thankful for my little house, my little garden, and the one truly good friend I have. Status is overrated.
Jacqueline actually said “It’s every boy’s fantasy.” She was referencing men working at a gentleman’s club, not women.
I think the family angle was the wrong one to take for this franchise. It’s better when the ladies lives are not so intertwined.
Unless they are manufacturing the drama, which – c’mon, that is exactly what they do here – these shows are just one boring, self-absorbed confessional after another. God help us that now Bravo wants to cram “Housewives” of “DC” (talk about an oxymoron) down our throats…..is that what they call in the industry “jumping the shark”?
How is “Housewives of D.C.” an oxymoron?
GREAT recap! This season is so boring! Danielle seems like a character on a soap opera it’s getting too ridiculous! Even her face scares me, her eyebrows can’t get any higher!