Image Credit: Michael Yarish/CBSIt’s getting close to the end of the season, which means that all of our favorite procedurals are taking brief dips into the serialized swimming pool. The Mentalist and CSI, that irascible pair of Thursday night poker buddies, both had season finales that focused on long-running storylines: Patrick Jane came face to face with Red John, and CSI brought back one psychopath (hi, Haskell!) to catch another (bye, Jekyll!) On CSI: Miami, Horatio’s ex-girlfriend returned… and got killed. On CSI: NY, Mac’s ex-girlfriend returned… and got hugged. Meanwhile, in the Law & Orderverse, it was all about marriages. The wife did it on Criminal Intent, the husband did it on SVU, and the dead husband killed his wife’s first husband on L&O. You’ve won this week, husbands.
But the modern world is consumed in amoral madness, and this week, only one cop show was tough enough to confront the greatest evil of all: the Internet.
Winner of the Week: Criminal Minds
Centuries from now, when Google Maps is beamed straight into your contact lenses and Apple makes special iBrain implants to give you easy telepathic access to the internet, this week’s episode of Criminal Minds will become the subject of the most popular drinking game at space universities all across the solar system. The rules? Every time someone onscreen acts like the Internet is rape dungeon for pedophile Nazis, take a shot!
The Behavioral Analysis Unit was investigating a string of murder-rapes, and they could only find one link between the victims: They all loved social networks. Everyone in the BAU expressed moral outrage at the bare idea of social networking. “Whose life is so important?” asked Joe Mantegna, sounding just like my grandmother would sound if she were totally lame.
But what pushed this episode from the realm of insipid reactionary panic into pure epic camp were the interviews with the victims’ friends and families. One grieving mother cried that her daughter never called her anymore: she just assumed her mother would check her Facebook wall for updates. Darn you, Internet, robbing poor old mothers of their daughters! Another interviewee, sounding like refugee from a heroin den, said: “You ever have so much e-mail you feel like you’re drowning? These websites are like e-mail on crack!” Later in the episode, Mantegna quoted Google founder Eric Schmidt’s line about the Internet being an experiment in anarchy.
Basically, it was Footloose, except John Lithgow was Joe Mantegna, Kevin Bacon was a serial killer, and “dancing” was “posting a Facebook update.”
Number of women we saw strangled on Criminal Minds
Three. One survived, but we saw one strangulation a second time in fast-forward.
This week in Eddie Cibrian’s ties
CSI: Miami‘s Jesse Cardoza wore a green cravat, indicating that the harvest will be good this year.
Evidence that Dick Wolf only hires writers with troubled marriages
On Law & Order: Criminal Intent, a closeted murder suspect (played by William Mapother, Lost‘s Ethan) married his wife because she looked like her dead brother, whose death he caused years earlier. On Law & Order: SVU, the squabbling parents of a kidnapped boy played a game of “Who’s Crazier?”: she was a semi-psychotic French madwoman who took half the SVU team hostage, he was a stuck-up American who hired a man with a clown van to kidnap his own son. And on Law & Order: Original Blend, three friends joined up in a secret scheme to hide their money from their wives while they all got divorces.
Single most suspicious thing said by a suspect
“My husband isn’t going to be buried. He’s going to be cremated. Like my first husband.” — Anna Gunn on Law & Order
Single most palooka-ish thing said by a suspect
“Outta nowheres, the broad tells me she’s pregnant. Inside, I’m freakin’. I do the gentlemanly thing, excuse myself from the table, enter the bathroom, and punch the livin’ hell outta the mirror.” — CSI: NY
The award for Most Elaborate Plot Contrivances goes to…
CSI: NY‘s extended Rear Window homage. Mac saw a couple of mysterious men in the apartment across the courtyard from him. A couple hours later, and completely coincidentally, the CSI team found one of those men dead. Later that same day, Mac’s ex-girlfriend walked into the same apartment.
The award for Most Boneheaded Move by a Murder Suspect goes to…
Law and Order: Criminal Intent‘s unhappy wife, who busted her husband’s head in with a baseball bat, but then buried him with a murder weapon.
Out-Of-Context Gold Medal
“But we can’t prove it.”
“Yes we can. If we find that canary.” — CSI: NY
Out-Of-Context Honorable Mention for sounding utterly painful even though I have no idea what it means
“It’s inserted laproscopically through the groin.” — CSI
This week’s cameo by a Wire alumnus
Seth Gilliam, a.k.a. Carver, was on Law & Order as a defense attorney. I am not joking when I say that in about four minutes of screen time he blew everyone off the screen. IMDB check: he first appeared on L&O in 1992, and has also had guest roles on spin-offs Criminal Intent and Trial By Jury. All he needs is an SVU, and his collection will be complete!
Have to laugh at the end when the wife gave Connie the diamond earrings. The look on her face: she’ll probably keep them but I doubt she’ll ever wear them.
These shows need to go away and give way to creative shows like FRINGE, Legend of the Seeker, etc.
I think you left out my favorite part of Criminal Minds: Reed telling the woman who says “email on crack” that he has no email. NO EMAIL?! I mean, I know he’s a bit old-fashioned and introverted, but geez. Wouldn’t the bureau require him to at least have work email?
Oh, and your strangulation count for Criminal Minds is off. They watched the first be strangled online while they couldn’t find the guy, then watched the same crime again on rewind, then watched him strangle the same woman twice (in her home and in the freezer). You also forgot to include Grandpa Mantegna’s completely unjustified anger at the old man who provided the killer a freezer. That was my wtf? moment of that ep.
I had the same feeling and then I watched it again and I think the guy not only sold him the freezer but maybe did repairs also. Either way he was watching the video which is just sick crap anyway.
I liked Hotchner’s comment to Reed (on Criminal Minds) – “Did you join a boy band?”
Hey do you even respect Criminal Minds? I hate people like you. You always look for something to make fun of the show, rather trying to see what lessons you can come out of it. And stop dissing on how the characters act, and to compare the show the episode to freaking Footloose? Ugh, you just lost credibility on the first show. Alynda Wheat did a better job at discussing the procedural’s because she was actually a fan of them, while she did add a little humor, she did not mock them like you did.
agree
Completely agree! EW never covers procedurals and when they do it’s only to make fun of them. I enjoy many of the shows that EW covers but I would also appreciate a little coverage of shows like CM and L & O: SVU.
interesting article
Awww, apparently, Darren deleted my comment. He didn’t like the fact I called him out on being a jerk about Criminal Minds! His feelings were HURT! Awww. In case you didn’t know, if you don’t like the show, other die hard fans do. So watch it next time, you don’t know who the next fan might be that will express their anger.
Hm.I’m not impressed with this article. You know how I read it? Someone who is sad that Lost is ending, and because of that, wants to give crap to cop shows. And shockingly, I am 19 year old WHO LOVES THEM.
this week’s criminal minds ep was over the top, even for criminal minds. BUT I loved the disconnect btwn the show and its actors this week – the criminal minds cast is a huge presence on twitter, most of them tweet almost daily to their fans.
What about Warner getting shot on SVU? That woman was crazy!
Hey Molly, I disagree. This episode was not over the top. It is like every other episode. I thought it very awesome. Heck, I even wanted to delete my twitter after that.lol. But yes, the fact that the CM cast except Shemar are on twitter is so ironic. Also, may I say? I hate the article in general, especially about Criminal Minds. If this is your first time writing about cop shows, and you wanted to make fun/good impression, you didn’t succeed.
The first time I watched CM, I thought this is an awesomely bad procedural cop show. From the badly written lines to the bad delivery of those lines–I thought what a train wreck. Then, I was hooked to that train wreck and now I watch all those reruns on A&E. Still can’t bring myself to watch CBS though.
You know, me too. It’s so fascinatingly bad. But yeah, I only watch when I run across it on A&E.
Agreed Lisa Simpson, I only watch Criminal Minds on A&E.
“Basically, it was Footloose, except John Lithgow was Joe Mantegna, Kevin Bacon was a serial killer, and “dancing” was “posting a Facebook update.”” LMAO
The commentary about the internet on CM is obviously from the network old timers so upset that people are not in front of the TV for 3 hours a night.
So “In Plain Sight” isn’t a proecedural? That and “Justified” were the best shows on this week with US Marshalls as main characters.
Please make this a weekly column! As someone who loves procedurals like Criminal Minds, and the weekly ‘original’ shows like Fringe, this is one of the funniest recaps for all of these shows ever.