'The Hills' premiere recap: So this is what a hangover feels like

Hills-Heidi-AudrinaImage Credit: Matthias Clamer/MTVThe Hills is kind of like your least favorite alcoholic drink, the kind that makes you cringe when you think of downing it, and makes you feel even worse after you actually do. And today, I have a raging TV hangover. For something that used to be fun, the show has become tortured, tired, and old (just the opposite of Heidi’s face!). As I listened to Natasha Bedingfield’s sunny lyrics and watched the smiling fresh faces in the opening credits, a wave of nostalgia rushed over me. I longed for Kristin’s ugly black choker from her Laguna days, Ste-VEN Colletti, Jason, Jen Bunney, Les Deux, Teen Vogue, Bolthouse, Whitney!… simply anything or anyone that would give these people a smidgen of purpose in life, and stop them from droning on about friends, parties, and hooking up. But alas, you can’t live in the past, and like a hangover, we must suffer from what we put ourselves through…

Heidi’s big reveal to her family was anticlimactic since we’ve all seen (and heard about)  her recent enhancements. They couldn’t comprehend what possessed her to do this to herself (she did put water balloons in her bra when she was younger, so… that obviously explains things). A hurt (in more ways than one) Heidi snarled that her mom doesn’t understand because she lives in the mountains, and her mother responded by saying she was a brilliant, articulate woman. What?!

While some other reality shows place a great deal of importance on class, The Hills crew doesn’t really follow that mantra. If Countess LuAnn will take shots at those who don’t know that elegance is learned, Kristin Cavallari will take… shots. When the girls and guys were in Miami for Super Bowl weekend, Kristin refused to be tied down by the grandmas she was staying with, who wanted to hang out at the hotel on their last night. Seriously? That’s clearly not a Kristin move. Of course she looked to her own Countess of Class, Stacie the Bartender, and the two proceeded to drink until they grimaced, leaving her with a nice 65-year-old smoker’s voice come morning.

Fearing the increasingly skinny, sunglass-wearing Kristin was using drugs, the girls held a quasi-intervention after another one of her late nights, which all felt incredibly forced. As if Lo’s perpetual looks of boredom and frustration about having to share air with these inferior people weren’t enough to discredit these obviously fake relationships, Audrina made it a lot clearer with this gem: “We were supposed to be here together, girls weekend, get to know each other, hang out, become closer.” Her confused expression at the tail end made it even better, like she was trying to convince herself and got mixed up along the way. It’s becoming harder and harder to think of these people as friends (or human beings?) when all of their interactions seem so totally contrived.

Other classy, classic lines from the night:

“Seriously I’m only 23 and I’ve been to jail twice? Like, that’s not normal.” — Stephanie

“Let’s take shots, we’re not f—ing around any more.” — Kristin

“My feet are so tore up.” — Audrina

“I can’t talk a lot louder because my jaw is kinda locked up.” — Heidi

“You obviously have a problem with alcohol.” — Kristin to Stephanie, which was a low blow. Didn’t you read above? The girl’s been to jail twice. It’s a sore subject!

Now that you know there’s an end in sight, will you keep watching The Hills? Has this show crossed the line of guilty pleasure reality TV show? What did you think of Heidi’s family’s reaction to her new face? Would you want your hamburger thrown in a blender?

Comments (23 total) Add your comment
  • Erin

    Heidi’s new face gave me nightmares last night. I can’t wait for this weekend’s The Soup. You know McHale will totally show a pic of Heidi crying (i.e. at her scariest).

    • Pants

      The only reason I still watch this show is so that I know what Joel is talking about on The Soup :)

      • It’s Reality Show Clip Time

        The only reason I have heard of these people is because of The Soup!

  • Wills

    YAWN…I watched it but like last season nothing really happened. I laughed when they were trying to hide Heidi’s face bc um…we’ve all seen it plastered everywhere.

  • Kellie

    Do people still actually watch this show?!?! I thought that’s the reason it was cancelled. Seriously, these are the most absurd excuses for human beings that exist on T.V. (and yes, that includes ALL the ladies from Rock of Love or Flavor of Love). This show makes you less intelligent every time you watch.

    • SM

      I actually haven’t watched the show since the second season, but knowing its back on makes me want to watch it. It makes me feel better about my own life and makes me feel more intelligent.
      Not like that pesky Lost, it makes me feel stupider…just kidding, Lost is the best show in TV.

    • Q

      I haven’t watched in years – but recaps on blogs like TV without Pity are so hilarious that I’m praying for another season. The Hills sucks, but the culture of making fun of the Hills is awesome.

  • Teri

    Did anyone else think Heidi looked like Joan Rivers when she was crying?

    • Mar in FL

      I totally though Heidi looked like a youngish version of Joan Rivers. Well, at least the vacant expression on her face now matches what is inside. Lo finally made the credit sequence (yeah!). If Lo wasn’t still on this show, I wouldn’t bother. Lo’s knowing looks are social commentary of the highest caliber possible for The Hills.

  • Fan

    I don’t even need to watch the show – I’ll just read the recaps. It’s much more entertaining.

  • Brooke

    Yeah…I stopped watching when Lauren Conrad left and Kristin Cavallieri arrived. KC’s first episode back, the fight with her and Audrina felt SOOOOO fake and contrived, I had to say good-bye to the show.

  • keith

    Great show last night, interested to see how the Kristen story line with pan out. Heidi and Spencer will be divorced by end of the season

  • jewels1015

    the hills hasn’t been the same since LC left. but i have to admit, heidi’s scary new face makes the show interesting. it’s like being in a car and driving by an accident, you have to stop and look! the best part was when her sister was saying ‘you used to be so outgoing and confident.’ heidi looks like she’s dead on the inside. her eyes looks vacant. i’m actually kinda worried about her, she has major issues.

  • elizabeth

    watching last night’s episode made me quite sad. you’re right – far gone are the days when lauren arrived in the big city. and you’re right, their friendship cover was blown w/ audrina’s “get to know each other” comment.

    but what is real is witnessing these girls get caught up in a superficial lifestyle that has ruined their spirits.

    lines are scripted. we get that. but there’s no denying heidi did have plastic surgery .. just look at her scary face. it’s very sad.

  • Rob

    I watched this show for one reason only…Brody Jenner. What a hot piece of a**!

  • sara

    Kristin is not friends with any of the other girls…are any of them really friends? Or are they just “friends” for the show? I’d pick the latter. I couldn’t believe Stephanie is going at it again, starting drama just to start it. She’s commenting on Kristin’s legs, girl, look at your own body! Do you eat? Doesn’t look like it! Ugh, she’s so annoying. The best part of the show for me was when Lo and Stephanie were trying to figure out how someone gets a “butt job” haha, that was great. I got misty eyed when Heidi started crying, her family obviously didn’t know how fragile she was, well still, they shouldn’t make fun of her because she can’t change it, it’s all permanent!

    • angie

      LOL that was my favorite part, when they were talking about Heidi’s ‘enhancements':
      –BUTT job? Liposuction?
      –No, like a… bigger… butt, like a little junk in the trunk.
      (look of confusion)
      –How do you… add…
      –I don’t know!
      (blink. blink.)

  • sara

    One more thing to add, now that I see Kristin and Justin Bobby again this season, I wonder if their whole “relationship” was all just for the cameras/show. I think it was, but I bought it last season!

  • Jasslene

    Funniest scene of the night is Stephanie saying “wow, crazy I’ve been to jail twice for DUI’s” and Lo responding “yeah, but can you still go out to clubs?” (You know, there ARE priorities in the Hills.) Um, way to go MTV for that touching after school special message to the kiddies… Especially, when later, they have a mock intervention for Kristen. I would kill to be in a Hills writer’s meeting :) “Um, we have to address Stephanie’s alcoholism, but get her to the club anyway….ideas?”

  • jack

    I don’t know which is more pathetic, last night’s lame show, this short recap (greeting cards are longer!), the fact that there are only 17 comments, or the fact that I still watch the show, still read the recaps and still post comments.

    I’m glad this is the last season. This show should have been euthanized a long time ago.

  • buzzard

    Want to know why heidi is how she is, just observe how cruel and awful her mother is. Hateful comment to your daughter…when the cameras are rolling, say a lot. Watch carefully, and you’ll see. I don’t give a rats bunghole about any of this, but I know its a sad thing for this giirl, a creation not of mtv, but of the selfish, mean spirited, psychologically abusive relationship with good old mummy.

    • Mo

      Personally, I think Heidi’s mom is a REAL MOM. She doesn’t need to be coddled and pet. What Heidi needs is for someone to give it to her straight. And I’m sure Heidi’s mother is mortified that her daughter is with Spencer and that has a lot to do with why she is the way she is with her. I think it would have been more fake if her mom would have just be like “oh well…you look awesome.” That’s not the culture she (Heidi) comes from so to have her mother say/act any way other than she did would have been forced and fake.

    • angie

      I actually feel sorry for Heidi’s mother. I would be heartbroken if my child showed up in a stranger’s body. It would feel like she was not only rejecting herself, but me as well.

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